It may sound strange but i need some advice. I have decided to leave this life behind. I know exactly how i can easily do this. First i am going to get myself drunk, then i am going to sit in an isolated shed and burn charcoal. This way, my body is not able to receive oxigen. I think this is the most human method of euthanasia.

However there are still some remaining issues; - i don t want my parents to suffer because of me. How should i prepare them for my actions? I think maybe it is better to let them know that if they want to see me happier they should realize it would be better if i didn t exist at all. I think i ll write wonderfull letters to my parents, about my struggles and why i finally find rest when i am gone. Also expressing my grattitude for the way they raised me etc, is important.

I really want to go NOW but i cannot do that. I don t want my parents to be miserable. They do certainly not deserve that. Maybe i should just wait a little longer till they are gone. I don t understand why they don t hate me like all the rest of f.ckin world. Anybody have any tips on how i can handle this discretely? Please don t give me hope-nonsense and telling me that life is fine etc. I am very well able to consider my own actions and i have thought things through.

Thanks in advance...

The only help I can give you is what I truly believe - I can't lie and dance around and pretend that your choice is OK.

I believe in freedom of choice as long as the choice does not harm others. But there is no way to make it so that suicide does not harm others - particularly your parents but a wide variety of other people too.

So all I can say to you is this: don't do it. Suicide is the single most selfish thing someone can do. Those left behind never really recover.

It takes courage to end your life, I know. But it takes even more courage to go on living. You might not feel like you're brave enough - but you need to shift your focus from your own pain to that of others.

If your life sucks that badly, then by all means make huge changes. Move to a commune somewhere and go back to nature. Change countries, societies. Change your name and your style. Nothing is inevitable, your current life is not locked in - at all. It's all about choices, and almost every choice is better than the one you're contemplating.

I'll be praying for you, and I hope you'll take that concern for your parents - which it does you credit that you've already expressed - and use it as a reason to keep on living, even if there don't seem to be many other good ones at the moment.

Bravus is right. There will be better days, but you are technically right - this world sucks. It's a dog-eat-dog-world and, by the grace of God, I try not to play that sick game.

Here's a tip: While you might not feel loved, all I can tell you is God loves you more than Himself. Pray...ask God to give you peace. He can redirect your thoughts away from yourself and your problems. Hang in there...God needs you around. He has plans for you here & now and in the future. God loves you man!

I'll pray for you right now, out loud:

Jesus...help! Truthseeker is in a lot of pain. Please give him peace. Please, because of your agape love, turn things around for him. I ask this in your name, Amen!

Hang in there,

ROb

Truthseeker ... Friend.

The ones above me have offered good thoughts. Not sure what more can be said. But if you are going through with your plan ... I think you had some good ideas about writing out your painful experiences so that your parents can know. You have a kind heart Truthseeker and that is clear from all that you write. You also have a heart for God. Unfortunately ... you have wanted to do what YOU want to do and not what GOD wants you to do.

I don't mean to offend you ....

Because I consider you a friend ... I hope I can say this ... but God doesn't need you. You need God but He can accomplish HIS plans just by speaking. He spoke and the Earth was formed. You have had great plans for God but they were not HIS plans. God just wants your heart and for you to live a life that glorifies Him no matter how painful it may be.

He understands that you have to bail out. He will forgive you. But Oh what would be so much better ... if you would just stick it out and do this thing (life) HIS way.

Well ... you have made up your mind. I don't mean to try to change your mind. But, I will miss you friend. Perhaps you don't know it ... but you have people on this planet that care for you and would miss you. I can assure you that there are people on this forum that fall into this catagory. I am one. And your parents obviously believe in you and care for you.

Anyway .... perhaps you could at least give us all a closing letter. Perhaps we could learn from your experience of pain. But, I suspect that you are not alone in your pain. Some of us here know a little about pain. We are sticking it out and hope that you will.

I think about suicide regularly. Those times are very dark periods in my life. I now understand.there is no way you can make it easy for your parents, friends and relatives. It is going to be hard for all of them regardless as to how you prepare them.

Consider everyone else before you have thoughts for yourself. It is important that you understand and know for real that ending your life now is going to hurt your parents, friends and relatives much more than it is going to hurt you.

Seeing that your life now sucks, you need to look outwards to others who can help you change your life. The first thing you need to do is to read the book of John right through. AND in doing that you need to see a picture of Jesus and what He can do to change your life around.

Oh . . . I do have suicidal thoughts regularly. BUT through Jesus help I work through those minutes and hours and days. Suicide is always there in my mind, sometimes stronger than others. BUT I Choose to live through Jesus help. Each minute of the day, choose to live and choose to live for the betterment of others. Choose to live for Jesus.

Truthseeker,

As Bravus said, "All I can say to you is this: don't do it. Suicide is the single most selfish thing someone can do. Those left behind never really recover.

It takes courage to end your life, I know. But it takes even more courage to go on living. You might not feel like you're brave enough - but you need to shift your focus from your own pain to that of others."

And then as Rob said,

Please get help immediately. If I knew how where to call law enforcement to alert them of your need, I would do so.

Although much of my reply is quotes others have already said, the message is heartfelt. I am praying for you.

Bravus i know you are right, i cannot do this to my parents. Sometimes i wonder if they love me or not. I wish they told me they did not, then my choice would be a very easy, painless one.
I am too tired to make big changes, i cannot do that anymore. I am stuck in a circle of pornography and hate, even after years of begging God to set me free and doing all things i could possibly do to please the Lord.
So please Robert don t give me that sh.t about God loves me. God surely doesn t love me at all. God is an egocentric God. He makes himself suffer so in the end he can be honoured because "his own honour doesn t have any value". Those are the words of the master himself. God is not love. God is a little better than satan, does that make him good? Well you probably don t understand what i am saying and you are right . Why listen to some porn-addict angry guy? At least i have never proclaimed myself righteous and given false hope to people. I know i am sh.t and everybody knows it.

HEY TRUTHSEEKER

WELL I am sure that the others here have said a lot
for you to think about

all I CAN say is I will pray for you that GOD
gives you some kind of understand as to what you are
searching for.

I DONT know you family back ground or your parnets
but I DO KNOW that GOD wants you saved and SATIN
wants you dead

please consider what these people have written you.


I WILL pray morning noon and evening about this


dgrimm60

God doesn't love you any less Truthseeker ... just because you are a "porn-addicted angry guy". The rest of us put on a big holy face. But, we are all sinners ... just with different sins. We are no different than you. And anyway ... we love you. You are a fellow Christian sufferer. Stick around and support, direct and encourage us together. We have much we could learn from you and have learned since you joined us here.

Hey Redwood i really appreciate all of your posts. I believe you are speaking from the heart, which means your heart is truly filled with love. Maybe you are right about that let-God-do-the-work thing but if i do that God will say in the end i am a useless fruitless slave. Either way i ll end up in hell. I feel like my soul has been raped by God. I know i make bad decisions, i cannot help it. Sometimes i am doing things without actually knowing why i do it, and then i realise i am mentally ill. God doesn t care about me, i refuse to hope for better days, because they ain t gonna come.

I always feel like you are the best and only friend i had the last year. I really appreciate that and i am sorry for you that you are not able to walk just like anyone else. I have asked God to help you with that but unfortunately miracles don t belong to this age. Of course i ll write a closing letter which i ll post on this forum. There are still a lot of things i have to plan and make right so my decision won t hurt my parents too much. So i apologize, you have to bear my presence just some more weeks/months if you don t mind.

Truthseeker: I hope this will be helpful to you. It's not about God, it's about addictions: http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2008/06/13/porn_addiction/index.html

Thanks Bravus for your intentions, but i already know that my behaviour has many underlying causes. I know that because sometimes when i am alone, and i feel empty and terrible i am looking for things that distract my mind for a while without physically feeling a need for it. i am going to sleep now, thanks anyway for listening. It is awfull to live alone, but it is pleasant to have people around you when you say life goodbye.

Truthseeker,

In any given year, 26.2% of US citizens receive treatment for mental illness. While some are hospitalized, most are treated with medications prescribed by their Primary Healthcare Provider. As you might be able to see, quite a few folks seek, and recieve help. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/numbers.cfm

This link will take you to a "Fact Sheet" about Suicide:
http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/dvp/Suicide/Suicide-data.htm

Although the information contained in the link about suicide might be considered "generic" data; as you review it, you might also realize, there are many, many, many persons who suffer intensely. You are not alone.

BTW, a couple joined the church I attended when I lived in another area; both were from the drug culture. Both smoked and drank alcohol as well. Interestingly, when they gave their hearts to God, God instantaneously removed the desire for harmful substances from one, while the other, STRUGGLED for quite a while. I am happy to tell you the struggle/battle the spouse endured was not in vain either. God works with each of us differently.

Please do not give up.

From experience with suicidal thoughts, I must say that there can be better days. Better days will come and can come along. What I find with my suicidal days is that I can choose to live minute by minute. BUT choosing to live is not something I can do on my own. I choose to live by the help of Jesus. That is your only hope out of this mess we both live in. AND it is truly a minute-by-minute choice. Each day I choose to live by the help of Jesus. It has worked for me for the past six years now.

That's OK, Truthseeker. Just keep hanging around, and please keep talking with us. You really do need to get some medical help, even if it is only to keep you going while you do those things that you need to get done.

There is just one thing that I would ask you to do -- just read this verse ---

"For God so loved the world that He GAVE His ONLY Son, that WHO-SO-EVER believes on Him shall not perish but have eternal life." That is a promise. Let me put it this way:-

"For God so loved the world that He GAVE His ONLY Son, so that when Truthseeker believes in Him, Truthseeker will not perish, but will have eternal life."

Dear Jesus, Truthseeker needs Your comfort right now. Please send Your angels to comfort him and give him the peace that he is seeking. Amen.

I will tell you the truth.....I am either your best friend or your worst enemy.....

Cuz you ain't getting that sympathy stuff from me.....

I work in the medical field as well....and usually, it's the techs who have to take care of the idiots who don't do a good job of killing themselves. These idiots have managed to do a poor job of doing themselves in, and/or some well meaning bloke comes along and saves the idiot before that heart can stop...only to have severe brain damage...The end result is that these idiots have parents or spouses who can't bear to let thier loved ones go, so they 'save' them in nursing homes...where they visit them for an hour or an hour and a half during the week. ...for a couple of months ....and then it 's an hour a month or so....The reason that they don't see them more is because they can't afford any more health care to get a better nursing home and they are left to soil themselves and drool and left sitting lopsided in a wheel chair in clothes that are not as clean as they should be. And it is such a sad humiliating sight.


Bravus is correct when he says that family never gets over the loss of a loved one, or worse, a loved one that they will not allow to die....in more ways than just the physical...

So, if you are going to do yourself in, do a good job of it....make sure that there are not any innocent bystanders coming by who might save you by accident. After all, you don't want some child coming by and seeing your remains and thus scaring them for life for seeing a 'dead body'....And definiately, you don't want to be saved in the "Terri Schivo" state...

And Spiritually speaking, if you are hopeing to go to heaven, the question would be "Are you safe enough to save...?" and if you just want to go to hell, why would someone desire to die an agonizing death in flames? When was the last time you stuck your finger in a flame? Did you get burned? Well, transfer that pain to every part of your body? You lookin' forward to that???? If so, you are definately needing help....To which I would say, you need to talk to your parents....or better yet, to a therapist....Don't wait, just go do it...NOW!.

@ Servant, thanks for your background info, but i have already investigated this quite extensively. I know i am not the only one with these kind of feelings, but it doesn t change my situation a single but. However thanks for the good intentions.

@doctor j, thanks for your intentions as well. I am glad that you have found a way to deal with your feelings. For me this won t work, i have been fighting about 6 years now against depressions with ups and downs. The only reason i was able to hang on so long is because i always found ways to distract my mind, alcohol, friends, girlfriend, porn etc. God was my last hope. Actually i am a very shy person, the last two months i think i spoke about 10 sentences against other people other than my family. It took a lot of Courage to go to church, i had made many plans because i didn t want to be lukewarm. I have pushed it to the limit because i knew that only God could save me, no matter how i tried he didn t want to help me. Sometimes i got so paranoia that i thought that maybe the wrong coin in my wallet was the reason why God didn t want me. Or maybe it was my 200 euro dvd collection, which i destroyed?Was it my music? Did i keep the sabbath well?Was it the kind of music i listened to?Did i not bear fruit? For me this is where the story ends. I have tried life and failed in all ways. I know that further living is just an extension of time before God will throw me in hell.

@ Beryl thanks for your compassion. I think we live in different worlds because i have lost innocence a long time ago. I am glad you are walking with the Lord and i hope you will always continue to do so. I know of many bible verses that practically didn t come true. So i am sorry that i cannot rely on these verses. But thanks for your intentions.

@ Neil, Thanks for your tips. I know i am going to hell, so be it, i really don t care anymore. I didn t have a chance in the first place. Fortunately there ain t kids around, only my parents, i will warn them with some note on the door or something. I ll make absolutely sure that i ll succeed the first time i ll try, I really don t want to survive. we have a small shed i can isolate perfectly. On the internet i found the following instructions:

burning suicide is to inhale excessive CO (carbon monoxide) produced by the incomplete combustion of the charcoal, which then results in death due to cerebral hypoxia (insufficient oxygen supply for the brain). The binding affinity of hemoglobin (some protein in blood that carries oxygen) for CO is 200 times greater than for oxygen, and the half-life of carboxyhemoglobin under normal conditions is 4 to 5 hours, so exposure to excessive CO for only a while is fatal. Compared with other suicide methods, charcoal-burning has the characteristics that its equipments are easy to obtain, that it's easy to prepare and that it has a high success rate. Of course, prior experience of igniting charcoal (such as barbecuing) would be helpful.


Required equipments, tools Small room that is able to be sealed airtight (bathrooms are good choices)
A barbecue grill and a chimney starter
Barbecue charcoal (I'll later mention how to calculate the amount needed from a known room size, taking lump charcoal as example)
Sleeping pills and alcoholic drinks (optional; usage will be mentioned later): do not need to be hypnotics dedicated to insomnia treatment (these kind of pills may be hard to obtain too); medications with antihistamine that treats allergy will do
If you feel it necessary, you and other two legal adults can sign a Do Not Resuscitate Order and place it near the suicide spot (DNR orders do not have legal enforcement and you may still receive rescue even with it)


Now I'll talk about how to calculate the amount of charcoal needed, from the known room size. Exposure to 6400ppm = 0.64% (mass percentage concentration) CO for 30 minutes is lethal; here I'll use a higher number - 1%. From my measuring, my bathroom used is about 4000000cm³ in volume, which is 4000L. 4000L air is about 4672g, and its 1% is 46.72g. This is about 1.67mol CO. Conservatively, about 2mol CO is needed. However, this does not mean only 2mol of carbon is needed; when oxygen is sufficient, the combustion is mostly C + O2 → CO2; so the oxygen in the air needs to be used up first and then the reaction of C + CO2 → 2CO takes place.

I have 4000L air; using the ideal gas law PV = nRT with air temperature = 25°C (the air temperature when the bathroom is sealed), pressure = 1atm, I have n = PV/RT = (1 × 4000) / (0.082 × 298) = 163.7mol, where oxygen accounts to one fifth, i.e. about 32.74mol. So, using up all the oxygen in the air requires about 33mol carbon. From C + CO2 → 2CO, 1mol carbon is needed to produce the 2mol CO mentioned above. So a total 34mol carbon is needed. Again, conservatively, about 50mol = 600g carbon is needed.

Usually, the lump charcoal has less than 75% carbon, so about 1kg lump charcoal is needed. However, since the design of most grills and charcoal does not burn the latter up, so I need to obtain about 2kg or 4.4lb lump charcoal.

Here you can input the size of the room where your suicide will take place, and the calculation of the amount of lump charcoal you need will be done automatically: cm³ m³ in³ ft³ →

See now, the world has far too few people who are capable of those calculations. Why waste one?

If you would use that same amount of energy in breathing fresh air, taking a brisk walk for 30 minutes... your state of mind would change. I guarantee it.

And if you walked a second 30 minutes, all your problems would be solved.

Walking, outdoors in clear air, is therapeutic. Then you begin to think of something other than yourself. Memorizing verses of Scripture while you walk is certain to improve the brain, as well.

I realize some people's brains are hard wired differently from others' -- but, really, give yourself a chance!

Suicide is a permanent cure to a temporary problem.

And suicide is the ultimate hostile act. There's nothing you could do which would hurt your parents more.

[and from your description, I predict your plans won't complete the act, and you'll end up as a vegetable -- like one of Neil's patients.]

I agree with Bravus and Jeannie -- if your brain is working to the extent that you have just written -- hey! Just get walking! Let the fresh air run through those cells! You are just depressed. I know, that can be awful. My husband suffered with severe depression for many years (about 35 to be exact)--but when things felt very bad (yes, suicidal) he would go down to the beach, and walk for miles. He would come home very tired, and get a reasonably good night's sleep.

That brain of your is certainly too good to waste!

Beryl

Beryl. I didn't know he had such a good brain. It doesn't even need exercise. But just think of what it could amount to if he did exercise. And yes to all of you. I agree that exercise is powerful. Being a former therapist and doing exercises all day every work day ... I can attest to its power.

Bottom line is we all can see great potential in Truthseeker. What a waste for him to end his life just because life is hard. And life IS hard. It is hard for all of us to varying degrees.

Hang in there Truthseeker. Use that math skill to better use.

There are people, who have been helped to amazing degrees by Dr. Niel Nedley with his depression recovery people. People who are depressed because of a wrong picture of God, people who are depressed because of deep sin in their lives, people who are depressed because their world has literally fallen apart...he has had many wealthy and influencial people go through his program as well as the average Joe. I may not agree with every single thing he espouses but I do know that he has had phenominal success in helping people completely overcome depression. He's had people who can hardly walk across the room, and won't make any eye contact and won't talk, who have lost their families, their jobs, and nearly their lives and they have gone on to lead productive lives. A huge percentage of his patients haven't been SDA and people from government employees to Mormons are using the program for their friends, churches, and companies to help others. ( http://www.drnedley.com/ despite the cost I would go to the residential program if I were you..19 days...and yes your parents would probably be willing to go into debt to do this, because debt is payable back...suicide is permanent. Also if you can't you can purchase the book and DVD but I would highly recommend the residential program. )

Whether you feel it or not, whether you believe it or not, whether you have been successful in the past or not, it doesn't change the fact that God loves you...that God wants you in heaven way more than you ever wanted to be there, that God isn't looking for an excuse to keep you out but to get you in. It also doens't change the fact that no matter how much your parents love you or not, no matter what you do to "prepare them" or not, they will hurt for the rest of their lives if you end it all...they will hurt...that gut-wrenching pain that never goes away...trust me. There is no cure for their pain except for you to get the help you need. AND THERE IS help and THERE are cures. God isn't horrified by you...he created you and loves you deeply regardless of what you do or what sin you have in your life. His grace is bigger than your sin, His strength is greater than any sin. There is hope, even if you feel there is none.

Hi Truthseeker,

I once attempted to take my own life, actually 3 times all within a few months. It took time to get there, but the road there took 10 years. It started by drinking while I was still going to church. I got to the point where I didn't care anymore either.

I am not going to tell you how I tried because... that just might get me back in that frame of mind if you did it.

I know how you feel, I know about the addictions to porn, I know how it really hammers you. It's like you know you shouldn't go there and then you do. then you feel like [censored] but you can't stop going back. while you're looking at it, you're trying to find the right one and just keep lookin and looking. Then when it's all over the mind is totally screwed up and you almost feel stoned. There's no easy way out of that because Satan hammers the [censored] out of you and you know what he says is true, because you are what he tells you.

During the time I was suicidal I was wanting only one thing. That was for just one ******* person to love me. That's all I wanted, nothing more just one. But I couldn't find anyone. (No one could I found out later.)

I can tell you one thing for sure, I did not understand how much God loved me back then. I had a totally wrong idea of who He is and that messed me up.

I finally realized that I needed help and just went for some help. I told God that I knew that I was "supposed" to love Him but I just didn't. If He was going to change me He'd have to do it because I couldn't nor did I really want to but yet I did, if that makes sense.

What ended up happening is that I got the help I needed and it wasn't like I thought. I thought people would be telling I need to do this and that and stay away from bla bla bla. What it was, was a journey inside me, my thoughts and feelings and why I felt that way I did and why did I do those things that I did. I found the answers brother!

I don't want to make this too long but I found that as a child I needed to be loved and was loved by my mother. She got her joy from me and that was good. Then one day I found that she was getting her joy from something else, a bottle and I began to do things and find ways to get loved. I grew up as a people pleaser, I learned how to play guitar and played for hours and hours a day just so people would love me.

Fast forward: Here I am in a basement thinking about death and trying it but failing. I was laying in a hospital and looking up at the nurse who was reading her book taking care of me watching over me. There it was, a little bit of love.

Well I went on got the help as I said and then it hit me as I stood there and told my father for the first time in my life that I can remember that I loved him, that I needed to love. That was the beginning of my father and mys relationship. From there I learned about how much God loved me and that I could open up to Him with everything.

I learned about who He really was and was so thankful to learn the truth about Him. It took a total surrender on my part and I did not care about anyone or anything else but knowing God.

He did some amazing things in my life. I got victory over those things that I couldn't before. Victory is possible and it is availabe if you really want it.

Now looking back I am so thank ful that I did not succeed. Life is really good with God.

I hope really hope that you will not do this. I will pray for you.

Norman

Man, how heartless you are....You say you love your parents but are going to kill yourself...Let me tell you of one family of a good friend of mine who killed himself between anti-depression drugs..

He had it rough...2 failed marriages, a high pressure job in the computer business, and personal problems up the ying-yang...He was maintained on anti-depression drugs and going to therapy when the pressure in his life went up a few more notches.Long story short- he killed himself. His dad and mother buried him. They were weeping all the time. His dad told me, " The children bury the parents...not the other way around. it's just not right." He still carrys the guilt around with him that maybe he could have don't something....maybe he could have kept in touch with his son, maybe he could have done SOMETHING....He misses his young friend that he raised, his son... His son also left a lengthy note, and told his parents not to worry and to just forget about him as he was a mess up...
....but his parents never did....

and truthseeker....it's been 10 years...and they still miss him like they did the day they discovered that he had died.

Just remember, you get to bring that to your parents when you die...and EVERY day til they die...Yeah, you go ahead and kill yourself and say that you are doing the world a favor...The truth of the matter is that you adding to the burdens of your aged parents. Get real, buddy, the world has been around a lot longer than you have and it never did revolve around you...

Oh, and if you think I am giving you permission to kill yourself, think again, buddy. I am trying to make it easier on those you leave behind...They don't want to take care of a vegetable, but if truth be known, they dont' want you dead either...and if given a choice between a vegetable and a funeral, ...well, I am not sure...people are funny in thier thinking....but some opt for a vegetable...where the state takes care of them, and they have bedsores, and don't smell very pleasent in those nursing homes and they do a lot of drooling....but you'll smile, that strange toothed smile after a few months with possibly a flat head from laying in bed all the time...

Of course, if you want to work thru your problems, I suggest you consider a good therapist...there are good ones out there...

truthseeker stop feeling sorry for yourself. I know that down deep in your heart you know that God loves you. Listen to all the good advice from bravus, redwood and the others. You keep saying that you have no friends, but you have everyone on this forum that are here to listen to you. Don't you believe that God directed you to this forum? And you keep saying that God did this or that to you. You need to read Job and read it again and again. It also says in the bible that God will never allow things to happen to us more than we can handle. So stop giving up and start to live life to the fullest that you can. I think that you are thinking about yourself to much. They say that if you start helping others and stop looking at how bad things get for you that one day you'll wonder what all the fuss was all about. Your always on our pray list. Sorry if I'm coming on to strong. But you are loved by all of us and God even if you don't.

pkrause

Norman, that took real courage to share from your personal experience. I applaud your honesty and caring! Thanks for posting that.

I will pray for you also. I will pray that you recover from Depression. I have several friends who feel like you. One friend takes drugs and is much better. There is to much of this going on today. I do not believe in coincidence. I believe there are drugs in the public water supply or food additives that magnify these feelings.

TruthSeeker .... I would like to follow up on what Joe says.

THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES with God. He has lead you here for a reason. And the reason is that there are lots of people from all over the world that care about you and are pulling and praying for you.

Just look at how vulnerable Norman was. He put himself out there for you. He is one you can relate to. Just read what he said. He is a kindred spirit. He knows. He cares.

All that is left for you to do is to LISTEN.

God LOVES you.

And so do a lot of people here on this forum.

Hi Taylor,

I appreciate the kind words however it did not take courage. It's like I had to say something. I had a job to go to but put it off till I was finished and believe me, we need the money right now. Here my brother is sinking and I can be of help and don't say anything? Can't do that.

Norman

ok then it showed compassion...which is wonderful as well! :)

Thank you my sister

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DDScXEW33g

@ jeanny I think i would never survive a barbeque, but even if i ended up as a vegetable, i would have made sure that my parents would let the state conduct ethanasia on me. However i cannot execute my plans because there are still parents that seem to care about me. I told them how wonderfull it would be if i sold all of my possessions, give the money to them. I also told them that it would be a lot easier if they didn t had to pay college food etc anymore. I explained to them implicitly that if i wasn t there he could have bought a bigger house etc. They have no clue about my plans, but implicitly i was trying to prepare them. They don t care that much about the money, saying i bring them joy by doing stuff at home, fishing, aquarium etc. so it seems that i cannot go now. It would have been a lot easier if they didn t care about me.

@Beryl I am sorry for your husband, i hope that he doesn t get paranoid like i sometimes do. I am glad he has survived his struggle so long. I believe every brain is too good to waste. We are all the same and share many of the same capacities. That drunk homeless guy in a box, could become a decent citizen with the proportional support.

@ Redwood I don t see any potential in me anymore. I have three years of educational arrears. However i will not kill myself because of my parents. I know it is not right, but secretly i am hoping that the whole world will be destroyed in some kind of world war three so everything would vanish. I don t know why i have these thoughts.

@ Norman Thanks for you sharing your story. There is no need to feel ashamed by the things you ever did wrong because we all belong to the human race. In essence we are all the same. There is no difference to the president of the united states or the guy working at the pizza place. I am glad you have found your way home and what a home, i think there are not many Christians blessed with so many truths this church is teaching. For me, i think i am destined to be shut out of heaven. I will never become good enough for God to love me. I am willing but not able to do all the works. I ve tried, i failed and now i give up. Yesterday in the news; Five Dutch protestant woman working in Kenia were raped while working on new schools. Automatically the question followed; why did God allow this to happen? 90 percent of the people would say that there is no God. Although i don t believe that this necessarily has to be true, because even the people from Israel were sometimes killed by other peoples, i am starting to doubt Christianity. Especially when it comes to questions like, if God never changes,then why are there two opposite Gods in the old and the new testament? This doesn t make sense. Maybe the bible is just a romantic story and gnostics have the truth.

@ Neill you are right. I won t execute my plans because my parents seem to care about me. As long as they around i seem to have a duty to stay alive.

Pkrause I really don t know what i feel in my heart anymore because i am constantly overshadowed by these dark thoughts. I don t believe God is love and loves me. I can show you pictures of woman who burned themselves in the fire with molten skin. Now imagine that God does that to everybody who is not willing to surrender to his concept of justice. For instance God is going to burn people who gathered sticks on the sabbath day. I am sorry but because of my knowledge of good and evil i am not able to be positive about GOd. I agree that as a creator he has the right to determine who remains living forever and who not, but has he cruelly torture them in hell? Seems more like an evil dictator than a loving God.

There was a lady at Loma Linda that finally got back to school after raising her kids (her husband had died previously when the kids were young and she had had to work very hard). She persued her dream and graduated around the age of 65 if I am not mistaken. When most people were persuing retirement she was thrilled to be in her career. Being 3 years in the "rears" educationally speaking can be made up. It is never too late.

You are right, you will never be "good enough to be saved". Yes, God does give the power in our lives to change but we can never be "good enough to be saved". Just realize that God wants you in heaven worse than you want to be there and it is by God's grace you are saved. But that God can also help you overcome those things that make you so miserable currently. However, you truely may be medically depressed and need medication, you will need help outside yourself, you may need to get rid of the computer so you can't look at pornography, or put it in the living room where anyone walking by can see what you are looking at, so that the "shame" will be sufficient to not let you logg on. You may need to burn all magazines and never go down an isle in a store that sells their magazines. You will need to make a concerted effort to read, think, and do other things. You need to reach out to other people, get on an exercise program and be so busy all you can do at night is crash in bed and sleep. You need the satisfaction of helping someone else. These things will all help.

I am sure you are constantly overshadowed by dark thoughts...that is called severe depression and you need to find help for it. Your depression isn't just becuase of your "sins", it is likely medical and enviornmental in some way. You need to get help and yes there is help.

Whether you acknowledge it or not, whether you believe it or not doesn't change the facts. It is like...whether you believe in gravity or not it doesn't change that gravity does exist. The truth is, that God loves you and wants you in heaven more than you wish to be there. He would rather die than live without you. That is the truth. I know you may not feel it, you may not believe it but that is the truth.

Whether you really want us to or not, I can assure you that many on this website are praying for you! No matter how messed up your life is, there is hope, there is help, there is love, and there are people who care about you.

Well, .....all I got to say is "It's about time!!!!"

Secretly, between you and me, I think that most Adventist want to see that destruction happen, 'cus it means that Jesus is coming...Me, otoh, I am just enjoying everthing I can while I am here, and trying to make friends. And when Jesus comes to collect me, I am going to enjoy heaven that much more...

I am going to 2nd Taylor's advice to you. As a health care individual, I am recommending that you need to talk these things out. I would suggest that you go to an Adventist pastor and ask him who he recommends. And if the stupid pastor wants to counsil you, INSIST that he not do that and INSIST that he recommend to you a good counsilor. [there might be a stupid pastor or two out there yet that seems to think that he can do the counsiling, and knowing Murphy's law, like I do, you live near that stupid pastor.]

The other thing I would recommend is a GOOD bible study with people...And I don't mean doctrinal bible study...I mean a growth bible study, one where you learn about God, or the bible stories....a good place is the middle of the Psalms and to the end. Ask others what this psalm is talking about and why it is special to them and what it tells of God...

And one other thing....Share with us what you find....Tell us what it means to you...

First of all ... I want to rejoice that our prayers are answered and you are not going to kill yourself.

But .... this just means that there is more work to be done.

Do as Neil has suggested. He is ... OR should I say .... He CAN be a wise person as you have discovered. SO, LISTEN to him.

Seriously, DO what he said and come here and share what you find and what it means to you.

Also ... if next week you slip and again want to kill yourself ... YOU KNOW WHERE TO COME.

HERE @ the Adventist Forum

Really ... we want you here. You are not an island Truthseeker. IOWs ... there are some or many in cyberland who need to hear what you have gone through and the pain and sorrow of it all. It is helpful to know that one is not alone. You can help others by sharing. SO, PLEASE share.

Just keep praying and eventually you will get an answer from God. Many times in prayer, God will show you some sin you need to deal with, so when that happens, ask for forgiveness and believe God forgives you and make a plan of how you will deal with the sin, and keep praying. You have to be persistent in prayer.

Let your want be what God wants....

I suppose you would go along with the following quote then ...

Rush4hire in my personal opinion your post does not encourage a person who is depressed or contemplating suicide. I am sure you have good motives, but truthseeker needs to focus on living, on solutions, not on other people who have committed suicide or been depressed, or sinned so greatly they can't forgive themselves.

Instead, he needs to know how special he is to God. That God hasn't given up on him. That God loves him unconditionally. That God can help him overcome and find meaning in life. That God can heal the despair of his heart, that he can be a blessing to others, that others care about him. THAT is the sort of thing he needs, not more dark thoughts.

Yes, Taylor, I think you are right that it's very important for Truthseeker and others to hear the truth that God is able to heal and empower us to live for Him. I hope this is the message that he's getting from all of us here at the Forum. That is certainly what I would tell him and emphasize to him if I could talk to Truthseeker personally.

Exactly, that's how I see it too Taylor. He needs encouragement, love, prayers, and to see through us what a loving God we serve. My husband and I are praying for him everyday, at church, at home during devotions...our hearts go out to him in prayer always.

There are different reasons a person might be despondent, and some of these reasons are chemical imbalance or things beyond our control. We often don't know the reason for people feeling the way they do.

God doesn't tell us ALL the truth at one time. God doesn't rub our noses in the dirt when what we really need is love and encouragement. When a person already is well aware that he's sinful and feeling "low," it's not a good time to emphasize that he's sinful and should feel still lower. It's time to say, "Look up and see Jesus standing up for you. Live! There's no reason to despair. There's ever