Thank you my sister

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DDScXEW33g

@ jeanny I think i would never survive a barbeque, but even if i ended up as a vegetable, i would have made sure that my parents would let the state conduct ethanasia on me. However i cannot execute my plans because there are still parents that seem to care about me. I told them how wonderfull it would be if i sold all of my possessions, give the money to them. I also told them that it would be a lot easier if they didn t had to pay college food etc anymore. I explained to them implicitly that if i wasn t there he could have bought a bigger house etc. They have no clue about my plans, but implicitly i was trying to prepare them. They don t care that much about the money, saying i bring them joy by doing stuff at home, fishing, aquarium etc. so it seems that i cannot go now. It would have been a lot easier if they didn t care about me.

@Beryl I am sorry for your husband, i hope that he doesn t get paranoid like i sometimes do. I am glad he has survived his struggle so long. I believe every brain is too good to waste. We are all the same and share many of the same capacities. That drunk homeless guy in a box, could become a decent citizen with the proportional support.

@ Redwood I don t see any potential in me anymore. I have three years of educational arrears. However i will not kill myself because of my parents. I know it is not right, but secretly i am hoping that the whole world will be destroyed in some kind of world war three so everything would vanish. I don t know why i have these thoughts.

@ Norman Thanks for you sharing your story. There is no need to feel ashamed by the things you ever did wrong because we all belong to the human race. In essence we are all the same. There is no difference to the president of the united states or the guy working at the pizza place. I am glad you have found your way home and what a home, i think there are not many Christians blessed with so many truths this church is teaching. For me, i think i am destined to be shut out of heaven. I will never become good enough for God to love me. I am willing but not able to do all the works. I ve tried, i failed and now i give up. Yesterday in the news; Five Dutch protestant woman working in Kenia were raped while working on new schools. Automatically the question followed; why did God allow this to happen? 90 percent of the people would say that there is no God. Although i don t believe that this necessarily has to be true, because even the people from Israel were sometimes killed by other peoples, i am starting to doubt Christianity. Especially when it comes to questions like, if God never changes,then why are there two opposite Gods in the old and the new testament? This doesn t make sense. Maybe the bible is just a romantic story and gnostics have the truth.

@ Neill you are right. I won t execute my plans because my parents seem to care about me. As long as they around i seem to have a duty to stay alive.

Pkrause I really don t know what i feel in my heart anymore because i am constantly overshadowed by these dark thoughts. I don t believe God is love and loves me. I can show you pictures of woman who burned themselves in the fire with molten skin. Now imagine that God does that to everybody who is not willing to surrender to his concept of justice. For instance God is going to burn people who gathered sticks on the sabbath day. I am sorry but because of my knowledge of good and evil i am not able to be positive about GOd. I agree that as a creator he has the right to determine who remains living forever and who not, but has he cruelly torture them in hell? Seems more like an evil dictator than a loving God.

There was a lady at Loma Linda that finally got back to school after raising her kids (her husband had died previously when the kids were young and she had had to work very hard). She persued her dream and graduated around the age of 65 if I am not mistaken. When most people were persuing retirement she was thrilled to be in her career. Being 3 years in the "rears" educationally speaking can be made up. It is never too late.

You are right, you will never be "good enough to be saved". Yes, God does give the power in our lives to change but we can never be "good enough to be saved". Just realize that God wants you in heaven worse than you want to be there and it is by God's grace you are saved. But that God can also help you overcome those things that make you so miserable currently. However, you truely may be medically depressed and need medication, you will need help outside yourself, you may need to get rid of the computer so you can't look at pornography, or put it in the living room where anyone walking by can see what you are looking at, so that the "shame" will be sufficient to not let you logg on. You may need to burn all magazines and never go down an isle in a store that sells their magazines. You will need to make a concerted effort to read, think, and do other things. You need to reach out to other people, get on an exercise program and be so busy all you can do at night is crash in bed and sleep. You need the satisfaction of helping someone else. These things will all help.

I am sure you are constantly overshadowed by dark thoughts...that is called severe depression and you need to find help for it. Your depression isn't just becuase of your "sins", it is likely medical and enviornmental in some way. You need to get help and yes there is help.

Whether you acknowledge it or not, whether you believe it or not doesn't change the facts. It is like...whether you believe in gravity or not it doesn't change that gravity does exist. The truth is, that God loves you and wants you in heaven more than you wish to be there. He would rather die than live without you. That is the truth. I know you may not feel it, you may not believe it but that is the truth.

Whether you really want us to or not, I can assure you that many on this website are praying for you! No matter how messed up your life is, there is hope, there is help, there is love, and there are people who care about you.

Well, .....all I got to say is "It's about time!!!!"

Secretly, between you and me, I think that most Adventist want to see that destruction happen, 'cus it means that Jesus is coming...Me, otoh, I am just enjoying everthing I can while I am here, and trying to make friends. And when Jesus comes to collect me, I am going to enjoy heaven that much more...

I am going to 2nd Taylor's advice to you. As a health care individual, I am recommending that you need to talk these things out. I would suggest that you go to an Adventist pastor and ask him who he recommends. And if the stupid pastor wants to counsil you, INSIST that he not do that and INSIST that he recommend to you a good counsilor. [there might be a stupid pastor or two out there yet that seems to think that he can do the counsiling, and knowing Murphy's law, like I do, you live near that stupid pastor.]

The other thing I would recommend is a GOOD bible study with people...And I don't mean doctrinal bible study...I mean a growth bible study, one where you learn about God, or the bible stories....a good place is the middle of the Psalms and to the end. Ask others what this psalm is talking about and why it is special to them and what it tells of God...

And one other thing....Share with us what you find....Tell us what it means to you...

First of all ... I want to rejoice that our prayers are answered and you are not going to kill yourself.

But .... this just means that there is more work to be done.

Do as Neil has suggested. He is ... OR should I say .... He CAN be a wise person as you have discovered. SO, LISTEN to him.

Seriously, DO what he said and come here and share what you find and what it means to you.

Also ... if next week you slip and again want to kill yourself ... YOU KNOW WHERE TO COME.

HERE @ the Adventist Forum

Really ... we want you here. You are not an island Truthseeker. IOWs ... there are some or many in cyberland who need to hear what you have gone through and the pain and sorrow of it all. It is helpful to know that one is not alone. You can help others by sharing. SO, PLEASE share.

Just keep praying and eventually you will get an answer from God. Many times in prayer, God will show you some sin you need to deal with, so when that happens, ask for forgiveness and believe God forgives you and make a plan of how you will deal with the sin, and keep praying. You have to be persistent in prayer.

Let your want be what God wants....

I suppose you would go along with the following quote then ...

Rush4hire in my personal opinion your post does not encourage a person who is depressed or contemplating suicide. I am sure you have good motives, but truthseeker needs to focus on living, on solutions, not on other people who have committed suicide or been depressed, or sinned so greatly they can't forgive themselves.

Instead, he needs to know how special he is to God. That God hasn't given up on him. That God loves him unconditionally. That God can help him overcome and find meaning in life. That God can heal the despair of his heart, that he can be a blessing to others, that others care about him. THAT is the sort of thing he needs, not more dark thoughts.

Yes, Taylor, I think you are right that it's very important for Truthseeker and others to hear the truth that God is able to heal and empower us to live for Him. I hope this is the message that he's getting from all of us here at the Forum. That is certainly what I would tell him and emphasize to him if I could talk to Truthseeker personally.

Exactly, that's how I see it too Taylor. He needs encouragement, love, prayers, and to see through us what a loving God we serve. My husband and I are praying for him everyday, at church, at home during devotions...our hearts go out to him in prayer always.