Truthseeker: I hope this will be helpful to you. It's not about God, it's about addictions: http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2008/06/13/porn_addiction/index.html

Thanks Bravus for your intentions, but i already know that my behaviour has many underlying causes. I know that because sometimes when i am alone, and i feel empty and terrible i am looking for things that distract my mind for a while without physically feeling a need for it. i am going to sleep now, thanks anyway for listening. It is awfull to live alone, but it is pleasant to have people around you when you say life goodbye.

Truthseeker,

In any given year, 26.2% of US citizens receive treatment for mental illness. While some are hospitalized, most are treated with medications prescribed by their Primary Healthcare Provider. As you might be able to see, quite a few folks seek, and recieve help. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/numbers.cfm

This link will take you to a "Fact Sheet" about Suicide:
http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/dvp/Suicide/Suicide-data.htm

Although the information contained in the link about suicide might be considered "generic" data; as you review it, you might also realize, there are many, many, many persons who suffer intensely. You are not alone.

BTW, a couple joined the church I attended when I lived in another area; both were from the drug culture. Both smoked and drank alcohol as well. Interestingly, when they gave their hearts to God, God instantaneously removed the desire for harmful substances from one, while the other, STRUGGLED for quite a while. I am happy to tell you the struggle/battle the spouse endured was not in vain either. God works with each of us differently.

Please do not give up.

From experience with suicidal thoughts, I must say that there can be better days. Better days will come and can come along. What I find with my suicidal days is that I can choose to live minute by minute. BUT choosing to live is not something I can do on my own. I choose to live by the help of Jesus. That is your only hope out of this mess we both live in. AND it is truly a minute-by-minute choice. Each day I choose to live by the help of Jesus. It has worked for me for the past six years now.

That's OK, Truthseeker. Just keep hanging around, and please keep talking with us. You really do need to get some medical help, even if it is only to keep you going while you do those things that you need to get done.

There is just one thing that I would ask you to do -- just read this verse ---

"For God so loved the world that He GAVE His ONLY Son, that WHO-SO-EVER believes on Him shall not perish but have eternal life." That is a promise. Let me put it this way:-

"For God so loved the world that He GAVE His ONLY Son, so that when Truthseeker believes in Him, Truthseeker will not perish, but will have eternal life."

Dear Jesus, Truthseeker needs Your comfort right now. Please send Your angels to comfort him and give him the peace that he is seeking. Amen.

I will tell you the truth.....I am either your best friend or your worst enemy.....

Cuz you ain't getting that sympathy stuff from me.....

I work in the medical field as well....and usually, it's the techs who have to take care of the idiots who don't do a good job of killing themselves. These idiots have managed to do a poor job of doing themselves in, and/or some well meaning bloke comes along and saves the idiot before that heart can stop...only to have severe brain damage...The end result is that these idiots have parents or spouses who can't bear to let thier loved ones go, so they 'save' them in nursing homes...where they visit them for an hour or an hour and a half during the week. ...for a couple of months ....and then it 's an hour a month or so....The reason that they don't see them more is because they can't afford any more health care to get a better nursing home and they are left to soil themselves and drool and left sitting lopsided in a wheel chair in clothes that are not as clean as they should be. And it is such a sad humiliating sight.


Bravus is correct when he says that family never gets over the loss of a loved one, or worse, a loved one that they will not allow to die....in more ways than just the physical...

So, if you are going to do yourself in, do a good job of it....make sure that there are not any innocent bystanders coming by who might save you by accident. After all, you don't want some child coming by and seeing your remains and thus scaring them for life for seeing a 'dead body'....And definiately, you don't want to be saved in the "Terri Schivo" state...

And Spiritually speaking, if you are hopeing to go to heaven, the question would be "Are you safe enough to save...?" and if you just want to go to hell, why would someone desire to die an agonizing death in flames? When was the last time you stuck your finger in a flame? Did you get burned? Well, transfer that pain to every part of your body? You lookin' forward to that???? If so, you are definately needing help....To which I would say, you need to talk to your parents....or better yet, to a therapist....Don't wait, just go do it...NOW!.

@ Servant, thanks for your background info, but i have already investigated this quite extensively. I know i am not the only one with these kind of feelings, but it doesn t change my situation a single but. However thanks for the good intentions.

@doctor j, thanks for your intentions as well. I am glad that you have found a way to deal with your feelings. For me this won t work, i have been fighting about 6 years now against depressions with ups and downs. The only reason i was able to hang on so long is because i always found ways to distract my mind, alcohol, friends, girlfriend, porn etc. God was my last hope. Actually i am a very shy person, the last two months i think i spoke about 10 sentences against other people other than my family. It took a lot of Courage to go to church, i had made many plans because i didn t want to be lukewarm. I have pushed it to the limit because i knew that only God could save me, no matter how i tried he didn t want to help me. Sometimes i got so paranoia that i thought that maybe the wrong coin in my wallet was the reason why God didn t want me. Or maybe it was my 200 euro dvd collection, which i destroyed?Was it my music? Did i keep the sabbath well?Was it the kind of music i listened to?Did i not bear fruit? For me this is where the story ends. I have tried life and failed in all ways. I know that further living is just an extension of time before God will throw me in hell.

@ Beryl thanks for your compassion. I think we live in different worlds because i have lost innocence a long time ago. I am glad you are walking with the Lord and i hope you will always continue to do so. I know of many bible verses that practically didn t come true. So i am sorry that i cannot rely on these verses. But thanks for your intentions.

@ Neil, Thanks for your tips. I know i am going to hell, so be it, i really don t care anymore. I didn t have a chance in the first place. Fortunately there ain t kids around, only my parents, i will warn them with some note on the door or something. I ll make absolutely sure that i ll succeed the first time i ll try, I really don t want to survive. we have a small shed i can isolate perfectly. On the internet i found the following instructions:

burning suicide is to inhale excessive CO (carbon monoxide) produced by the incomplete combustion of the charcoal, which then results in death due to cerebral hypoxia (insufficient oxygen supply for the brain). The binding affinity of hemoglobin (some protein in blood that carries oxygen) for CO is 200 times greater than for oxygen, and the half-life of carboxyhemoglobin under normal conditions is 4 to 5 hours, so exposure to excessive CO for only a while is fatal. Compared with other suicide methods, charcoal-burning has the characteristics that its equipments are easy to obtain, that it's easy to prepare and that it has a high success rate. Of course, prior experience of igniting charcoal (such as barbecuing) would be helpful.


Required equipments, tools Small room that is able to be sealed airtight (bathrooms are good choices)
A barbecue grill and a chimney starter
Barbecue charcoal (I'll later mention how to calculate the amount needed from a known room size, taking lump charcoal as example)
Sleeping pills and alcoholic drinks (optional; usage will be mentioned later): do not need to be hypnotics dedicated to insomnia treatment (these kind of pills may be hard to obtain too); medications with antihistamine that treats allergy will do
If you feel it necessary, you and other two legal adults can sign a Do Not Resuscitate Order and place it near the suicide spot (DNR orders do not have legal enforcement and you may still receive rescue even with it)


Now I'll talk about how to calculate the amount of charcoal needed, from the known room size. Exposure to 6400ppm = 0.64% (mass percentage concentration) CO for 30 minutes is lethal; here I'll use a higher number - 1%. From my measuring, my bathroom used is about 4000000cm³ in volume, which is 4000L. 4000L air is about 4672g, and its 1% is 46.72g. This is about 1.67mol CO. Conservatively, about 2mol CO is needed. However, this does not mean only 2mol of carbon is needed; when oxygen is sufficient, the combustion is mostly C + O2 → CO2; so the oxygen in the air needs to be used up first and then the reaction of C + CO2 → 2CO takes place.

I have 4000L air; using the ideal gas law PV = nRT with air temperature = 25°C (the air temperature when the bathroom is sealed), pressure = 1atm, I have n = PV/RT = (1 × 4000) / (0.082 × 298) = 163.7mol, where oxygen accounts to one fifth, i.e. about 32.74mol. So, using up all the oxygen in the air requires about 33mol carbon. From C + CO2 → 2CO, 1mol carbon is needed to produce the 2mol CO mentioned above. So a total 34mol carbon is needed. Again, conservatively, about 50mol = 600g carbon is needed.

Usually, the lump charcoal has less than 75% carbon, so about 1kg lump charcoal is needed. However, since the design of most grills and charcoal does not burn the latter up, so I need to obtain about 2kg or 4.4lb lump charcoal.

Here you can input the size of the room where your suicide will take place, and the calculation of the amount of lump charcoal you need will be done automatically: cm³ m³ in³ ft³ →

See now, the world has far too few people who are capable of those calculations. Why waste one?

If you would use that same amount of energy in breathing fresh air, taking a brisk walk for 30 minutes... your state of mind would change. I guarantee it.

And if you walked a second 30 minutes, all your problems would be solved.

Walking, outdoors in clear air, is therapeutic. Then you begin to think of something other than yourself. Memorizing verses of Scripture while you walk is certain to improve the brain, as well.

I realize some people's brains are hard wired differently from others' -- but, really, give yourself a chance!

Suicide is a permanent cure to a temporary problem.

And suicide is the ultimate hostile act. There's nothing you could do which would hurt your parents more.

[and from your description, I predict your plans won't complete the act, and you'll end up as a vegetable -- like one of Neil's patients.]

I agree with Bravus and Jeannie -- if your brain is working to the extent that you have just written -- hey! Just get walking! Let the fresh air run through those cells! You are just depressed. I know, that can be awful. My husband suffered with severe depression for many years (about 35 to be exact)--but when things felt very bad (yes, suicidal) he would go down to the beach, and walk for miles. He would come home very tired, and get a reasonably good night's sleep.

That brain of your is certainly too good to waste!

Beryl