The Power of Puns

Never underestimate the power of puns.

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my
electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m
positive...”

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve
you, but don’t start anything.”

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t
serve food in here.”

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this
taste funny to you?”

9. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” “That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Doc says, “It’s Not
Unusual.”

10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to
Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe
you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.

11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the
vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his
eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put
him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really
heavy.”

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t
find any.

14. I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that
he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks
are too high.”

15. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

/dAb

Those are neat!

Here's one:

Two strings walked into a bar. The first string ordered a drink. The bartender said, "We don't serve strings here" and threw him out.

Then the second string ordered a drink. The bartender said, "Didn't you see me just throw out the other string? And you're a string too, aren't you?"
The answer: "No. I'm a frayed knot."

As Johnny Carson would have said, Great funny stuff, guys.

!i like it!

/dAb

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism,
it’s your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. [!!!]

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

/dAb

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show
you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


/dAb

During our divorce, we were spliting our assets...She got the gold mine. I got the shaft...

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum
Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

/dAb