30 Sivan

Impeached witnesses are not considered guilty until they have impeached themselves (Makkos 5a, Rabbeinu Chananel).

When someone says something uncomplimentary to us, we are of course displeased. The intensity of our reaction to an unkind remark, however, depends upon ourselves.

A former patient called me one day, sobbing hysterically because her husband had told her that she was a poor wife and a failure as a mother. When she finally calmed down, I asked her to listen carefully to me.

"I think that the scar on your face is very ugly," I said. There was a moment of silence. "Pardon me?" she said.

"I spoke very distinctly, but I will repeat what I said. `The scar on your face is repulsive.'

"I don't understand, doctor," the woman said. "I don't have a scar on my face."

"Then what did you think of my remark?" I asked.

"I couldn't understand what you were talking about," she said.

"You see," I pointed out, "when I say something insulting to you, and you know that it is not true, you do not become hysterical. You just wonder what in the world it is that I am talking about. That should also have been your reaction to your husband's offensive remarks. Instead of losing your composure, you should have told him that he is delusional. The reason you reacted as extremely as you did is because you have doubts about yourself as to your adequacy as a wife and mother."

A good self-esteem will not make offensive comments pleasant to hear, but it can greatly diminish their impact upon us.


Today I shall ...
... be alert to my reactions and remember that no one can make me feel inferior without my consent.

1 Tammuz

Transgressions against a fellow man are not forgiven by Yom Kippur until one makes amends (Yoma 85b).

Prior to the High Holidays, a man asked his rabbi for guidance in doing proper teshuvah. Among other things, the rabbi instructed him to make a list of all the people he had harmed, because unless one obtains forgiveness from those whom one offended, teshuvah is incomplete.

Before Yom Kippur, the man returned and showed the rabbi the list he had made of people he had harmed. "Your list is incomplete," the rabbi said. "Go back and finish it."

The man was bewildered. How could the rabbi know whether the list he had made was complete or not? Nevertheless, he gave it greater consideration and indeed added several names to the list. To his surprise, the rabbi again rejected the list as being incomplete.

"What is it that you want of me?" the man asked. "You forgot to put yourself at the top of the list," the rabbi said. "When you do improper things, you harm yourself. Not until you realize that improper behavior is self-destructive can your teshuvah be complete."

This is an extremely important point. Indeed, Moses stressed this in his final message to the Israelites. I have placed before you life and death, blessing and curse ... to love your God, obey him and cleave unto him, that is your life (Deuteronomy 30:19-20). Moses made it clear that fulfilling the Divine will is life, and deviating therefrom is self-destructive.

Just as we might be considerate of others not to harm them, we should also show the same consideration for ourselves.


Today I shall ...
... realize that transgressing the Divine will is self-destructive, and make a commitment to preserve my life.

2 Tammuz

What are we? What are our lives? ... What can we say before You? (Siddur).

One way to read this prayer is to see the last phrase as an answer to the series of questions posed earlier. Read it: "What are we, and what are our lives and traits? Only that which we say before God." In other words, I can only know that much about myself which I have the courage to reveal to God. That which I cannot own up to, that which I keep so concealed that I cannot verbalize when I communicate with God, remains alien to me.

The Rabbi of Kotzk interpreted the verse, There shall not be a foreign god among you (Psalms 81:10), to mean, "Do not let God be foreign to you." To the degree that we alienate ourselves from God, we also alienate ourselves from ourselves.

Tachanun, the practice of daily soul-searching and teshuvah, is more than a ritual. By disclosing ourselves before God, we become aware of ourselves. While tachanun does contain prescribed prayers of confession, it is highly commendable that following them, we enter into a spontaneous conversation with God, telling Him all our innermost thoughts. In this way, we remove the barriers of denial and repression that both cause us to disown part of ourselves and put our correctable character defects out of reach.


Today I shall ...
... try to confide in God, and tell him, both in silent and verbal expression, all my innermost thoughts and feelings.

3 Tammuz

Do not curse God (Exodus 22:27).


I frequently heard my father quote this verse and interpret it to mean, "A person with Godliness does not curse."

Few things were as absolutely forbidden in our home as uttering a curse. I know that my father was severely provoked many times, but even when angry, no malediction ever crossed his lips. He would tell us that when someone would provoke his mother beyond tolerance, she would say, "May he have soft bread and hard butter." That was the strongest curse Grandmother could utter, but from my father I never heard even that.

How often have we regretted harsh words that were spoken in rage? Such remarks may cause as much pain to the speaker as to the one to whom they are said.

Since we are vulnerable to rage, perhaps we would be wise to provide ourselves with an array of expressions that we can draw upon so that when we are provoked to fury, we will be able to discharge our emotions without being malevolent. One tried-and-true example? "May he have soft bread and hard butter."


Today I shall ...
...

scrupulously avoid pronouncing a curse in anger, regardless of how furious I may be.

4 Tammuz

The words of the wise are heard with pleasantness (Ecclesiastes 9:17).


The Talmud states that on Friday afternoon, a person must alert his household to prepare the necessities for Shabbos. However, he must do so in a soft voice, so that his words will be obeyed.

Many late Friday afternoons, people feel themselves under pressure while rushing to prepare for Shabbos. If one sees that some things have not yet been done, it is easy to lose composure and scream at other members of the household. The Talmud cautions against doing so and implies that shouted instructions are less likely to be carried out.

A politician who had concluded an address inadvertently left a copy of his speech on the lectern. In the margins were comments indicating manners of delivery, e.g. "gesture," "clap hands," "slow and emphatically," etc. At one point he had written, "Argument awfully weak here. Scream loudly."

If we have something of substance to say, the message will be adequately conveyed in a soft tone, because the content alone will carry it. Only when our words have little substance do we seek to make an impression by delivering them with many decibels.

Even in situations of great urgency, we have no need to lose our composure. I can attest that when life-threatening emergencies presented themselves in the hospital, greater efficiency and more rapid response ensued when everyone kept a cool head.

The words of Solomon are correct. The wise speak pleasantly, and those who shout may not be wise.


Today I shall ...
...

keep my voice soft and pleasant at all times, especially when I have something urgent to communicate.

5 Tammuz

Let your home be open to all (Ethics of the Father 1:5).


I have traveled to many communities to lecture on various subjects. I have also attended other guest speakers' lectures. Invariably, after the lecture, the speaker is invited to a home where a small group of people gather for an informal chat, while hors d'oeuvres are served.

It has been very distressing to me that even when my audience appears to receive my talk well, no one may invite me to a post-lecture gathering. Why? I keep kosher, many of these people do not, and they find it awkward that the guest would not partake of their refreshments.

This baffles me. If my lecture was not well received, I could understand people's reluctance to invite me. But when the response is virtually ecstatic, and I receive immediate requests for repeat performances, why, then, am I shunned? If I were a person of any other faith or nationality, I would be welcomed in everyone's home. Why are the doors of my own people closed to me? The abundance of kosher foods available no longer makes keeping kosher an inconvenience.

Observant Jews adhere to kosher laws as a matter of conviction. Even if someone is not of that mindset, he or she can at least maintain a home where every Jew can be welcomed (or at least have a cup of coffee!).

So many doors are closed to Jews. We should not be closing our doors to our own.


Today I shall ...
...

try and make my home a place where every Jew can feel welcome and comfortable.

6 Tammuz

And you shall inscribe them on the doorposts of your home and gates (Deuteronomy 6:9).

Some people seem to have two personalities. Some are very gentle, polite, and accommodating during the workday to clients and customers, but when they come home they become demanding and unyielding tyrants. On the other hand, others are loving, considerate, and patient at home, but in business affairs are ruthless, letting nothing stand in the way of gaining profit.

Neither behavior pattern is acceptable. Our lives must be governed by principles that apply everywhere, and we must practice them in all our affairs. For the Jew, these principles are found in the Torah, which includes not only the Scriptures, but also the Talmud and the various works compiled by Torah scholars throughout the ages.

In the portion of the Torah inscribed on the mezuzah, we read that one should converse in Torah while in the home, on the road, when one arises, and when one retires. This message is to be inscribed on the doorposts of our homes. In other words, from awakening until bedtime, both within the home and outside the home, the words of the Torah are to direct us in our actions. There can be no dichotomy.

The mezuzah is affixed to the doorpost so that it should be noticed both when we leave the house to enter the world of commerce and when we return home after the workday. While it is a beautiful custom to kiss the mezuzah as a sign of endearment, this gesture should not be perfunctory. The words of the mezuzah should influence our behavior everywhere.


Today I shall ...
... observe the mezuzah as I enter and leave my house, and remember what it is meant to teach me.

7 Tammuz

Accept truth from whomever speaks it (Maimonides, Kiddush HaChodesh 17:24).


Some extremely choosy people will accept guidance or teaching only from an acknowledged authority, because they consider accepting anything from anyone of lesser stature a demeaning affront to their ego.

Among my physician colleagues, I have observed this phenomenon when a patient requests consultation. Those doctors who have self-esteem and know that they are competent have no problem accepting consultation, but those who are less self-confident may interpret the request for consultation as an insinuation that they are inadequate. They may be insulted by this request, and if they do comply with it, they will accept as a consultant only the chief of the department at a university medical school or some other renowned personage. Any other consultant constitutes a threat to their ego, an admission that "he may know more than I do."

Physicians are not the only guilty party; professionals and artisans of all types can also show a lack of self-confidence by displaying this intellectual snobbery.

The Talmud states that truly wise people can learn from everyone, even from people who may be far beneath them. Limiting ourselves to learning only from outstanding experts is not only vain, but it also severely restricts our education. Humility is essential for learning, and we should accept the truth because it is the truth, regardless of who speaks it.


Today I shall ...
...

try to learn from everyone, even from someone whom I may consider inferior to me in knowledge.

8 Tammuz

Hatred arouses strife, whereas love can cover up for all sins (Proverbs 10:12).


What are facts? What is reality? Often they are what we think they are, much like an optical illusion, such as a diagram that can look like the upper or lower surface of a staircase, depending on how we view it.

We often demonstrate our subjectivity when we make evaluations of other people. For example, if we do not like someone with a personality trait of rigidity, we may consider him "as stubborn as a mule." If, however, we admire him, he becomes "a person with great integrity who will never yield on a principle." In both cases, we sincerely believe that we are being thoroughly objective.How we feel towards others can profoundly affect how we interpret their behavior, yet our true feelings may be repressed and hidden even from ourselves. This phenomenon is most likely to occur with people who are closest to us. Although parents, children, spouses, and siblings may feel profound affection for their family members, they may be unaware of some repressed negative feelings which may manifest themselves with their finding fault with these family members. They may be unaware that what they are critical of (which they assume to be "fact") is actually a distorted conclusion due to a misperception, which is itself brought about by repressed negative feelings towards their loved ones. In fact, their love itself may cause them to repress negative feelings, which then find circuitous ways of expressing themselves.


Today I shall ...
...

be hesitant in criticizing faults in others and be aware that the fault that I see in others may be due to my misperceptions.

10 Tammuz

[Man was created in God's image, and the Israelites are children unto God.] It is an extra measure of love that man was informed that he was created in God's image ... it is an extra measure of love that they [the Israelites] were informed that they were called children unto God (Ethics of the Fathers 3:18).

It is one thing to be gifted, and another thing to know that one is gifted.

A woman who was admitted for treatment for alcoholism insisted on test after test to determine whether she had suffered brain damage because of her use of alcohol. When she could not be reassured, I became suspicious that some- thing was preventing her from accepting this reassurance.

A long psychiatric interview revealed the reason for her reluctance. This young woman wanted the test to prove that she indeed had sustained brain damage.

Why would anyone wish to have such a terrible diagnosis? The answer is that this young woman feared taking on the challenges of life, and brain damage would have provided her with a lifetime of excellent excuses: "Stop trying to help me stay sober. It's too late. Sobriety is difficult enough to achieve for people who have a properly intact brain. I am beyond recovery - I am brain damaged! You expect me to go to school or hold a job? I am too brain damaged for that."

As horrible a diagnosis as brain damage may be, for this young woman it had a redeeming feature: it would absolve her of responsibility. Knowing that one has talents and abilities makes one responsible to use them.

We have been informed that we have God-like attributes and that we are the children of God. It may be more comfortable for us to make believe this is not so, but we should not deny the truth.


Today I shall ...
... confront myself with the realities of my abilities and avoid taking refuge in a delusion of inadequacy.

9 Tammuz

He created him [Adam] in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).


Since God is not corporeal, the term "image of God" obviously refers to humanity's capacity for Godliness, i.e. to share in the Divine attributes of rational thinking, spirituality, sanctity, creativity - attributes that distinguish us from all other living things.

The serpent seduced Adam and Eve to eat of the forbidden Tree of Knowledge by convincing them that doing so would enable them to become God-like (ibid. 3:5). Why did they succumb to this argument, since they already knew that they were created betzelem Elokim, with the capacity to be God-like? Today, sadly, we have found one answer.

Misguided proponents of drugs claimed that certain drugs would create new senses of perception, and that users would thereby be able to perceive the "real truth" of the universe. As a result, millions of people, many of them young people with minds still in the delicate formative stage, have had their brains poisoned and their thinking distorted.

The tragic mistake of the Sixties bears great resemblance to the first sin. God bestowed humanity with a mind fully capable of participating in Godliness in its most comprehensive sense. Artificial substitutes proffered were treacherously deceptive; far from granting new vistas of truth, the forbidden fruit was described by God as something that would bring only death and destruction. We have witnessed an analogue of Adam and Eve's sin.

We are fully endowed to be able to know the truth. All we must do is make the effort. Chemicals are not a shortcut to truth, but a sure road to destruction.


Today I shall ...
...

utilize my God-given mental capacities to search for truth and not be misled by false promises for instant spirituality.