Humour from Barely Adventist Latest Topicshttps://clubadventist.com/forums/forum/210-humour-from-barely-adventist/Humour from Barely Adventist Latest TopicsenSatire:Adventist churches across America schedule Comey hearings to boost attendancehttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69926-satireadventist-churches-across-america-schedule-comey-hearings-to-boost-attendance/WASHINGTON, D.C. --- Adventist Churches across America have been stumbling over themselves trying to schedule former FBI Director James Comey for an appearance at one of their services. Comey's Read more [...]

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]]>69926Thu, 08 Jun 2017 23:26:46 +0000Satire:Adventist Church claims Ellen White was “Original Wonder Woman”https://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69895-satireadventist-church-claims-ellen-white-was-%E2%80%9Coriginal-wonder-woman%E2%80%9D/SILVER SPRING, Md. --- The Adventist Church released a statement this afternoon claiming that the denomination's female cofounder, Ellen White, was the "Original Wonder Woman." Church leaders Read more [...]

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]]>69895Mon, 05 Jun 2017 21:55:07 +0000Satire:Adventist colleges apologize for being located so far from anything coolhttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69864-satireadventist-colleges-apologize-for-being-located-so-far-from-anything-cool/ADVENTIST WORLD --- Adventist colleges around the world have issued an apology to students and alumni for being located "so far from anything remotely cool." The apology comes after a survey Read more [...]

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]]>69864Fri, 02 Jun 2017 09:11:57 +0000Satire:Adventists launch caffeine-free COFEFEhttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69887-satireadventists-launch-caffeine-free-cofefe/BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. --- The Adventist Church has launched COFEFE, a new "presidentially-inspired, caffeine-free drink that trumps all other coffee substitutes on the market." The Read more [...]

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]]>69887Sun, 04 Jun 2017 23:19:29 +0000Satire:Obama to teach kitesurfing at Camp Au Sablehttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69916-satireobama-to-teach-kitesurfing-at-camp-au-sable/CRAWFORD COUNTY, Mich. --- Camp Au Sable signed an unlikely kitesurfing instructor this week. Former President Barack Obama who has enjoyed his fair share of water sports since leaving office, Read more [...]

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]]>69916Wed, 07 Jun 2017 22:41:36 +0000Satire:Trump “covfefe” tweet reveals his nickname for Ben Carsonhttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69841-satiretrump-%E2%80%9Ccovfefe%E2%80%9D-tweet-reveals-his-nickname-for-ben-carson/WASHINGTON, D.C. --- An unfinished Donald Trump tweet containing what appeared to be a glaring typo has finally been explained. Trump aides divulged that the apparent typo "covfefe" was actually Read more [...]

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]]>69841Wed, 31 May 2017 22:40:49 +0000Satire:GC installs Illumunati detectorshttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69848-satiregc-installs-illumunati-detectors/BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. --- The General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church is beefing up security with dedicated Illuminati detectors. Effective immediately, anyone entering Read more [...]

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]]>69848Thu, 01 Jun 2017 01:04:34 +0000Satire:Trump blames his awkward dance moves on Adventist dance instructorhttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69653-satiretrump-blames-his-awkward-dance-moves-on-adventist-dance-instructor/RIYADH, Saudi Arabia --- President Donald Trump has blamed his awkward dance moves in Saudi Arabia on an Adventist dance instructor. The Commander-in-Chief was filmed taking part in a traditional Read more [...]

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]]>69653Sun, 21 May 2017 11:34:13 +0000Satire:Report: Adventists can’t hold hands in circle without singing “Side by Side”https://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69814-satirereport-adventists-can%E2%80%99t-hold-hands-in-circle-without-singing-%E2%80%9Cside-by-side%E2%80%9D/ANN ARBOR, Mich. --- In the largest study of its kind ever conducted, researchers have determined that Adventists find it absolutely impossible to hold hands in a circle without singing the chorus Read more [...]

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]]>69814Mon, 29 May 2017 22:42:33 +0000Satire:Will Ferrell to teach “More Cowbell” at Southwestern Adventist Universityhttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69808-satirewill-ferrell-to-teach-%E2%80%9Cmore-cowbell%E2%80%9D-at-southwestern-adventist-university/KEENE, Texas --- Comedic actor Will Ferrell has announced plans to teach a college-level class. The class is called "More Cowbell" and Ferrell will be teaching it at Southwestern Adventist Read more [...]

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]]>69808Sun, 28 May 2017 23:57:58 +0000Satire:Loma Linda recommends locusts-and-honey “John the Baptist Diet”https://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69782-satireloma-linda-recommends-locusts-and-honey-%E2%80%9Cjohn-the-baptist-diet%E2%80%9D/LOMA LINDA, Calif. --- Nutritionists at Loma Linda University have unveiled the latest in "biblically-inspired eating for optimal health." The new diet consists of roasted (not fried) locusts Read more [...]

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]]>69782Thu, 25 May 2017 23:38:13 +0000Satire:James Comey accepts job as head of Walla Walla campus securityhttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69769-satirejames-comey-accepts-job-as-head-of-walla-walla-campus-security/COLLEGE PLACE, Wash. --- Former FBI director James Comey has accepted a role as head of Walla Walla University's Campus Security Department. In accepting the role, Comey cited a desire to get back Read more [...]

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]]>69769Wed, 24 May 2017 22:38:39 +0000Satire:GC hires Chuck Norris to enforce “Unity” documenthttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69636-satiregc-hires-chuck-norris-to-enforce-%E2%80%9Cunity%E2%80%9D-document/SILVER SPRING, Md. --- General Conference officials looking for a way to encourage widespread adoption of the ideas behind the "Unity" document, have hired Chuck Norris. The action star was Read more [...]

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]]>69636Thu, 18 May 2017 23:54:47 +0000Satire:“Let It Go” chosen as Adventist coffee-quitting anthemhttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69625-satire%E2%80%9Clet-it-go%E2%80%9D-chosen-as-adventist-coffee-quitting-anthem/SILVER SPRING, Md. --- The song "Let It Go" from 2013 Disney animated film Frozen, has been chosen by the Adventist Church as its official coffee -quitting anthem. "Just as Elsa had to let Read more [...]

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]]>69625Tue, 16 May 2017 20:30:10 +0000Satire:General Conference clarifies: It’s “AD-ven-tist” not “Ad-VEN-tist”https://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69613-satiregeneral-conference-clarifies-it%E2%80%99s-%E2%80%9Cad-ven-tist%E2%80%9D-not-%E2%80%9Cad-ven-tist%E2%80%9D/SILVER SPRING, Md. --- General Conference linguists brought clarity to a matter that has plagued Adventism for decades: the correct way to pronounce the word "Adventist." "The right way to Read more [...]

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]]>69613Mon, 15 May 2017 15:05:52 +0000Satire:Trump fires Carson for falling asleep in presidential briefinghttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69585-satiretrump-fires-carson-for-falling-asleep-in-presidential-briefing/WASHINGTON, D.C. --- The latest in a flurry of termination notices from the White House targeted Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson today. The former neurosurgeon allegedly Read more [...]

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]]>69585Thu, 11 May 2017 23:32:03 +0000Satire:Adventists offer #nuggsforCarter kid lifetime of FriChik to become vegetarianhttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69580-satireadventists-offer-nuggsforcarter-kid-lifetime-of-frichik-to-become-vegetarian/RENO, Nevada --- Carter Wilkerson who just won a year's supply of Wendy's chicken nuggets for having the most retweeted Twitter post of all time has received an even juicier offer from the Adventist Read more [...]

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]]>69580Wed, 10 May 2017 23:40:43 +0000Satire:Nicki Minaj makes Oakwood free for a yearhttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69563-satirenicki-minaj%C2%A0makes-oakwood-free-for-a-year/HUNTSVILLE, Ala. --- Rapper Nicki Minaj did her honest part to lower the costs of Adventist higher education today. She pledged to pay for all tuition costs for Oakwood University students Read more [...]

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]]>69563Mon, 08 May 2017 22:18:05 +0000Satire:Property Brothers sell Elmshavenhttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69533-satireproperty-brothers-sell-elmshaven/HGTV's sybling duo the Property Brothers have successfully sold Elmshaven, the St. Helena-based home of Adventist co-founder Ellen White from 1900 to 1915. The home, priced at $2.8 million Read more [...]

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]]>69533Fri, 05 May 2017 09:42:42 +0000Satire:Loma Linda promotes food pyramid made up entirely of Big Frankshttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69518-satireloma-linda-promotes-food-pyramid-made-up-entirely-of-big-franks/Loma Linda, Calif. --- Nutritionists at Loma Linda University claiming to have discovered the ideal human diet have revealed a new recommended food pyramid. Instead of the pyramid consisting Read more [...]

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]]>69518Wed, 03 May 2017 23:23:59 +0000Satire:Ted Wilson expresses special affection for “brilliantly named” Trans-European Division (TED)https://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69498-satireted-wilson-expresses-special-affection-for-%E2%80%9Cbrilliantly-named%E2%80%9D-trans-european-division-ted/SPRING, Md. --- Much to everyone's surprise, General Conference President Ted Wilson told reporters today that his favorite world division of the Adventist Church was the Trans-European Division Read more [...]

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]]>69498Mon, 01 May 2017 22:32:26 +0000Satire:Alicia Johnston to keynote GC-organized conference on human sexualityhttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69473-satirealicia-johnston-to-keynote-gc-organized-conference-on-human-sexuality/SILVER SPRING,Md. --- Three years after the General Conference neglected to invite a single openly-gay presenter to the first Adventist conference on homosexuality and alternative sexuality, change Read more [...]

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]]>69473Fri, 28 Apr 2017 22:53:39 +0000Satire:Adventist sermon rating app promises to weed out bad preachershttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69457-satireadventist-sermon-rating-app-promises-to-weed-out-bad-preachers/Collegedale, Tenn. --- A new app called BLAH-BLAH allows Adventists to rate their preachers. Creators of the app are hoping to weed out bad preachers from Adventist churches. In a promotional Read more [...]

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]]>69457Thu, 27 Apr 2017 22:43:38 +0000Satire:Merriam-Webster’s defines “haystacks” as “Adventist crack”https://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69434-satiremerriam-webster%E2%80%99s-defines-%E2%80%9Chaystacks%E2%80%9D-as-%E2%80%9Cadventist-crack%E2%80%9D/SPRINGFIELD, Mass. --- In a soon-to-be-published new edition, Merriam-Webster's dictionary has listed an additional definition for the term "haystacks." In addition to it being the plural form Read more [...]

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]]>69434Tue, 25 Apr 2017 23:34:10 +0000Satire:GC organizes mandatory Unity Lock-in for rebel union leadershttps://clubadventist.com/forums/topic/69424-satiregc-organizes-mandatory-unity-lock-in-for-rebel-union-leaders/SILVER SPRING, Md. --- Adventist leaders that attended a General Conference-organized invite-only event have been out of contact with the outside world for days. Leaders of Adventist unions Read more [...]

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]]>69424Mon, 24 Apr 2017 22:33:50 +0000