FoundByLove Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 You know, like any long-time unhappily married couple, who when they fight over things they aren't really fighting about, I finally "get" what's been going on between church members who don't get along with each other over some of the silliest things, from carpet colors to understandings of church doctrines... It's so simple, it's stupid. But it took me ages to learn it and I know some already know it, others will disagree, but some will want to hear this, so I'm posting it. Too many of us are afraid of getting hurt by each other because we don't know how to handle it when we do get hurt, or how to love those who hurt us -- yet the truth is, it's always going to happen, we're all going to get hurt and hurt others too, because no one can read other people's minds, and in reality, we were all raised with slightly different "value systems" in the first place. What's a big deal to one person is nothing at all to another, and both are valid, in their own way. It all boils down to how (I think) we collectively need to learn to deal with problems instead of avoiding them, avoiding conflict, etc. I'll just post what I've learned so far, and ask that others add to it as is seen fit, k? =========================================================== Basically, there’s a process that you have to start early with someone or else it just makes things hard later on if you don’t. You have to, first of all, know who you are and aren’t (what you're really like and what you aren't really like), what you’re worth (a lot), etc. And you have to know what you want and what you don’t in a relationship with that person, as they really are. Secondly, realize that if someone’s doing something that’s making you upset, they’re giving you permission to confront them and ask them to change how they’re treating you (this doesn’t apply to situations that have nothing to do with you). Or else they wouldn’t be doing it right in front of you. Third, know that people can’t read your mind. What you think of as obvious "rules" as to how people should treat each other, well, aren’t obvious to everyone else, even when it seems like they should be. You have to know that someone who loves you won’t hurt you on purpose, even if the hurt is real. Fourth, know that, because people can’t read your mind, they’re going to wind up doing things you didn’t want them to but didn’t know yet that you needed to tell them not to. You might not like what they’re doing (or may realize later you didn’t want what they did), but the best thing to do is not to be so angry that you cut them out of your life, unless that actually becomes necessary, but rather, just tell them, "Please don’t do that to me again. We need to talk about what I want and what I don’t, and I need to have my requests respected. I also need to know why you did what you did." Fifth, know that if you ask them to change how they’re treating you, if they love you, they’ll probably do it and not question your need to be treated a certain way, unless it requires something of them that they can’t give. Even if they think that the way they’re treating you is loving, your request takes precedence, if they love you and want you to be free to live your own life. Sixth, if you love them, forgive them and move forward, knowing that they (and you too) will probably do things in the future that weren’t welcome, but that also weren’t on purpose. Believe me, people, it’s not worth losing something good, accepting, and free, just because someone did do something that wasn’t ok with you. Not if it was real. Seventh, give yourself permission to be yourself too, and know that people will ask you to change how you’re treating them if they don’t like how you’re treating them, but you don’t need to be ashamed for doing what they didn’t like if you weren’t told what they wanted, or just forgot, or whatever. Eighth, move forward. Don’t muck around in the past when it’s already been discussed. ================================================================ One of the basic problems is that we are all trying to avoid getting hurt, hurting others by mistake, etc. But we've got it all backwards. It seems to me that we should be more prepared to deal with people after they hurt us, than trying to avoid getting hurt in the first place. It's a lot to swallow, and it's all brand new to me, but the more I think about it, the more sense it makes to me. Kinda helps me to understand Grace too. If Grace means that people are forgiven, then obviously, people do hurtful things to begin with, right? It seems like there's no sense in trying to get imperfect human beings to be perfect to each other in the first place or else making it seem like they can't co-exist. Thus, it's "ok" for people to hurt each other - as long as they are prepared to get hurt, and then to know how to deal with it after the hurts come. The hurts are real, and have to be dealt with. Just letting them fester under the "guise" of "forgiveness" isn't real at all, and it doesn't help anything. Just my 2 cents worth, for the moment. God bless all of you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fccool Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 You are absolutely right! Our church is doing Evangelical outreach seminars and we had our pastor asked us in a meeting which Invitation cards we would like. Each of these were a generic cut and paste of the typical paintings of Jesus pointing to something in the clouds and angels around him, and then various almost dreamy depiction of the beasts and etc. Needless to say that I did not like these cards to begin with as I saw how both younger 35- generation reacted to these. They thought that it was something from Mormons, or JWs because of how things were designed and had these "lunatic" religious overtones in their minds. I did not want to say anything because I did not want people to get hurt. Thankfully, one lady brought it up and we found out that almost nobody in the room really liked the invitation cards that much and would rather have generic ones with word types on them, as people would know what they are going in for. Even pastor wondered about these, but did not want to go against what church wanted, and church did not want to go against pastors suggestions. So we were about to go through with these cards until one bold lady pointed it out and we were not afraid to speak our mind in fear of offending someone else. Just a small example, but I think these kinds of things going on a lot, but we are so trained in political correctness that we let these slide. Thank you for bringing it up. PS. Welcome to the forum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Koot Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 Welcome to the forum. Hmmm. Amelia's pic thingy, the Mona Lisa . . . and the thoughts expressed. Could it be that here we have an administrator hiding behind a new screen name????? Is "foundbylove" indeed the one and only Ames? But then we have Life's daisy, and the location of COG. So, was ist das? Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil D Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 Amelia doesn't post long posts...Not Amelia's style... Quote Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. George Bernard Shaw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Koot Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 True enough. I agree, the posting style is not Amelia's typical. And it is more of an exhortation, and coming from an MFC. Someone is playing a prank. But I don't perceive a sharpness of tone or harshness. Could it be . . . LifeHisCost? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil D Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 No, typically he likes to promote bible verses...It's his fetish... :firefox: No, more than likely, it's a true newby who just registered and is projecting himself as a "regular Joe", who dabbles in the psycho-babble that most conservatives dislike intensely, especially when it promotes liberalism... My guess is that I will like him, and you, David, will hate him... How's that for spreading mayham and general slander and the like? Oh, and FoundByLove, don't be put off by this....I am teasing both you and David...And I do expect, and probably insist that you tease back....Otherwise, what's the fun? Quote Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. George Bernard Shaw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Koot Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Interesting. Well, we shall see. Let's hear more from FoundByLove. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FoundByLove Posted March 17, 2008 Author Share Posted March 17, 2008 Wow, I find this so amusing! I had no idea I'd start a "Who's FoundByLove" treasure hunt! I kind of like it One of you was dead on, the rest are so far off track it's utterly tempting to just keep you in suspense -- so I will, for one more day (Btw, you who I already told in a PM before the guessing game got started, and you, who I'm about to reward by PMing you to tell on myself, "shhhh", k? ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Koot Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Well, I should have gone ahead and posted what I started out to last night. First off, I would say that FBL is a female. Rules out Life. Second, I would say it is Ames or someone in cahoots with Ames, cuz the pic thingy. The other items can easily be copied/pasted, but not that pic. Third clue is that FBL lists 'customer support' in her profile. That would point to Ames. I won't go on for now, but that is a start. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cricket Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Um. That picture is available in the list of icons we can choose in our options...just FYI. Here to confuse and set the record askew! Lift Jesus up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Koot Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Well, the second option I was thinking of the other day was that FBL is Cricket--except for the customer support thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cricket Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Yeah. Not me. I don't have customers--LOL...but I am support staff for nearly EVERYONE. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 I refuse to participate in this escapade. But I noticed that in the profile he/she indicates that he/she is a student of sompthin. Now that could be a student of Christ ... or a student of many things. But I like that title. I think we should all consider ourselves students. Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FoundByLove Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 Ok, ok... Confession time! See, erm, I came back after being homeless and then getting back on my feet, and wouldn't you know it, I couldn't log in! I've been gone too long, my cookies got deleted, and the "forgot password" feature wasn't working for me either... Sooo.... ChildOfGod4Ever is now FoundByLove Kudos to Redwood and David Koot for keeping my cover And a special kudo to David Koot for guessing who I was so early on It's been fun, playing this unintended little charade, but I figured that I'd better fess up soon, so, hi everyone, and... IIIIII'mmmmmm Bbbbaaaaaacccckkkkk :D *Snickers* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Koot Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 Well hi COG/FBL! Good to see you back! Wondered where you had been. I understand about being homeless. Have gotten to know a number of people in that situation, and I know there are some very good, very genuine people who have that happen. After my divorce, I was homeless for awhile. Hey, for that matter I lived on a boat until recently. All the best to you, FBL! Glad to read what you say about getting back on your feet. I know from experience how good that can feel. It's fun to try to guess who a person is. What you had posted at the beginning of this thread caught my attention. Good stuff. I also appreciated the kindliness with which you shared it. Got my curiosity up about who FBL was, and now I know! Blessings on you. Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil D Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 CoC..... And here ***I*** thought we were friends...[sniff]...You didn't trust me enough to tell me...[sniff].....[sniff]...You didn't tell me!!!!!! Oh, woe is me!!!!! You can tell Redwood, but you couldn't tell me.... :smilewink: Quote Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. George Bernard Shaw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Koot Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 Well Neil, you just need to understand . . . Redwood and myself are in a special category. But don't worry, you can too. Stick around, and it just may rub off on you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FoundByLove Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 LOL. Seriously, just completely ROFLOL!!! You guys are great. Hey, I only told Redwood 'cause I was so glad to see he came back too after being gone for awhile himself... And I told David Koot 'cause he guessed it might be me Heh - I figured that deserved an extra kudo for being observant enough way back when, about my location, to remember me now, months later. But seriously, I like all of you very much, that's why I came back when I could. I have to warn you, I'm both working and in school now, so I don't have a lot of time normally speaking. I'm in finals week and then spring break is next week, so I have more time right now, but after that, to you guys, I'll probably be in semi-hibernation for the next 3 months. Thanks for liking what I posted I figured I was taking some serious chances by doing that, 'cause not everyone wants to hear someone say "It's ok for people to hurt people." It kinda goes against the grain of how I was taught, I know that much. But, I'm learning, and really, I love it. People don't have to be afraid of each other - either of hurting each other or being hurt, yet it'll happen, and all can still be right with the world if we can learn to handle ourselves properly. Anywho, it's great to be back, and thanks for welcoming me back Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil D Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 Well Neil, you just need to understand . . . Redwood and myself are in a special category. Quote Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. George Bernard Shaw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FoundByLove Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 don't strain a brain...and if you do, don't strain yours... LOL. Agreed :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 Quote: Stick around, and it just may rub off on you! If Neil is having trouble with our influence sticking to him ... Dave ... we could suggest that he apply some of that bee honey over his body. Then when our words come by ... maybe some of them will stick to him. His political ideas especially need some work on. Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Koot Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 Yes, Neil WAS making excellent progress. Then he got his Calvin back. And what a change! It would make a good case history in the study of inconography--the potent effect of a symbol. Now its back to the drawing board (sigh). But like you say, Redwood, if Neil could use HONEY instead of that other stuff he sports, well, just maybe . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FoundByLove Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 Hey, um, I hope this is all in good fun and all... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil D Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 Hey, um, I hope this is all in good fun and all... Heck NO!...The three of us take our funny business seriously! CoC, don't mind them....they don't know good ol' down home folk anyways..... Here they want me to us my honey so that things will stick with me...What they don't know is that my honey does a great job of preserving my body...And makes me sooooo sweeeeet..... Quote Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. George Bernard Shaw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 Quote: And makes me sooooo sweeeeet..... Oh Give me a Break ... Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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