D. Allan Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 The Power of Puns Never underestimate the power of puns. 1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive...” 3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.” 4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.” 6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.” 8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?” 9. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Doc says, “It’s Not Unusual.” 10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy. 11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.” 13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. 14. I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.” 15. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel. 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?” /dAb Quote dAb O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Jeannieb43 Posted August 4, 2008 Moderators Share Posted August 4, 2008 Those are neat! Here's one: Two strings walked into a bar. The first string ordered a drink. The bartender said, "We don't serve strings here" and threw him out. Then the second string ordered a drink. The bartender said, "Didn't you see me just throw out the other string? And you're a string too, aren't you?" The answer: "No. I'm a frayed knot." Quote Jeannie<br /><br /><br />...Change is inevitable; growth is optional.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators John317 Posted August 4, 2008 Moderators Share Posted August 4, 2008 As Johnny Carson would have said, Great funny stuff, guys. Quote John 3:16-17 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. [17] For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D. Allan Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 Those are neat! Here's one: Two strings walked into a bar. The first string ordered a drink. The bartender said, "We don't serve strings here" and threw him out. Then the second string ordered a drink. The bartender said, "Didn't you see me just throw out the other string? And you're a string too, aren't you?" The answer: "No. I'm a frayed knot." !i like it! /dAb Quote dAb O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D. Allan Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired. A will is a dead giveaway. A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. [!!!] If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. /dAb Quote dAb O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D. Allan Posted August 9, 2008 Author Share Posted August 9, 2008 Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. /dAb Quote dAb O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil D Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 During our divorce, we were spliting our assets...She got the gold mine. I got the shaft... Quote Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. George Bernard Shaw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D. Allan Posted August 21, 2008 Author Share Posted August 21, 2008 The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key. /dAb Quote dAb O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Jeannieb43 Posted April 19, 2011 Moderators Share Posted April 19, 2011 An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks. The nephew now is busy winding up the estate. Quote Jeannie<br /><br /><br />...Change is inevitable; growth is optional.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Jeannieb43 Posted April 19, 2011 Moderators Share Posted April 19, 2011 A high school dropout landed a job that takes a lot of guts. He puts strings on electric guitars. Quote Jeannie<br /><br /><br />...Change is inevitable; growth is optional.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Jeannieb43 Posted April 19, 2011 Moderators Share Posted April 19, 2011 An elderly lady hesitated at a busy intersection. A gentleman, noting her confusion, inquired, "Have you vertigo, Madam?" She replied, "Yes, a mile." Quote Jeannie<br /><br /><br />...Change is inevitable; growth is optional.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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