Advice needed!

[Cosmin M.]

Originally Posted By: Cosmin

Try,

http://adventistdate.com/

How do you narrow the search down to the US?

Rob

Ask Stan it is his site. I don't know.

[Robert]

I'd highly recommend premarital counseling once you do find "the one.".....

All good advice....Thank you!

First, since misery loves company...I need to find someone who has allergies. That's shouldn't be too hard! teehe

[Robert]

Originally Posted By: Robert

How do you narrow the search down to the US?

Rob [/quote']

Ask Stan it is his site. I don't know.

Stan?

[phkrause]

hahahahaha that's a good one. At least you have a sense of humor, that's good.

pk

[carolaa]

Originally Posted By: carolaa

I'd highly recommend premarital counseling once you do find "the one.".....

All good advice....Thank you!

First, since misery loves company...I need to find someone who has allergies. That's should be too hard! teehe

Ugh! Let me know if there is any place that doesn't have allergens.

[Cosmin M.]

Stan?

You must be joking!

[carolaa]

Cosmin, I think that was his way of asking Stan.

[Cosmin M.]

Ahhh... He should try PMing him then.

[Cosmin M.]

So am I.

[Robert]

Originally Posted By: Robert

All good advice....Thank you!

First' date=' since misery loves company...I need to find someone who has allergies. That's should be too hard! teehe [/quote']

Ugh! Let me know if there is any place that doesn't have allergens.

Don't forget food allergies such as corn, milk, nuts and soybean.

Rob

[Robert]

Cosmin, I think that was his way of asking Stan.

Yes!

[Robert]

Thanks

[Robert]

Thanks....It's scary to start over. The question is do I want to?

Rob

[Lineman]

Hi Robert. Here's some thoughts from an old man to a younger man, ok? (And that's all this is, just the ramblings of an old man.)

It sounds to me like you still love this woman (your ex) and maybe it is her that has convinced you that she is not good for you. Is she correct? You wrote that if it was up to you the two of you would be back together again. Is that still accurate? Is there a chance that she feels the same way under her "shell"? Is she saying stuff because she believes that there is no way you could ever trust her again? She may not understand how God's love really works, nor understand that your love for her can be just like God's love for each of us who have "wandered".

Her going to a "sports bar" type of place stems from what? Why does she do it, in your opinion? Is she just after company? Is her reason something that can be filled in another way? Can she get what she really wants at your place? Is she just bored? Is she really just looking for the man you "use to be"? (You know that I know nothing about you, so this is not a slam or anything. Just trying to look at all angles.)

From all that you have written here it appears that you have very strong religious views and therefore maybe you need to stay within the SDA singles area if you should decide to start over.

I quit going to church for several years, until one day a person on this forum showed me a quote from EGW that indicated that when there are problems (in the church) God will make adjustments as needed. That tells me that even though my current pastor makes some really stupid and/or strange remarks from the pulpit and I may feel compelled to try and counter act what he has said, I know that God is still in-charge of His church and these things will work out for the good, eventually. (I also know that my work to counter act what he has said/done is good for me.)

I think I understand how you feel, about not wanting to go back to church though. I had an SDA evangilist tell me that if I did not like what was happening in my church maybe I should go to a different church. (There are no other SDA churches in this area, but there are two churches each one hour away.) I sat down and after much thought realized that there was no way that I was going to change denominations just because I did not like what my pastor was doing. I am committed to being an SDA and it sounds like you are too. If that is indeed the case, I would encourage you to return to your church and get "warm" again. (Could it be that your ex feels the cold too?)

I have thought lately about what it is that attracts people to each other and have come to the conclusion that at first it may be looks, but not always. I was attracted to my wife of 30+ years by seeing a person who liked to get in and do things, not by her looks. She was doing a dirty job at a summer camp and was not concerned about how she looked. I liked that.

I very much agree with Carolaa that it would be wise for you to sit down and make a list of what you would like to see in a wife & friend. Be very specific and honest with yourself. (I remember watching a young girl I was engaged to years ago try and climb a rock by a river. It indicated to me that this was NOT the person I wanted to marry and live with for the rest of my life. Very small things can actually be very big things to you.)

This may be kind of dumb, and maybe everyone else here would disagree with me , but you may want to sit down with your ex and ask her to help you make up this list. She knows you pretty well I am guessing and may be able to help you see some things that you really don't know about yourself.

BTW, something I learned years ago that you may already know is that if you want to know the real person you are with, then watch them in a croud. That's the real person, not the one who is nice just when the two of you are alone. With that in mind you may want to go to church socials and just sit and watch people (after you make your list). You may be impressed with someone, should you choose to move on.

Blessings,

Dan

[GreatLakesGramma]

Robert, I think Lineman is right about your ex wife's behavior. She may be saying those things to you about you not wanting to be with her again, because she wants you to contradict her. Women do that kind of thing all the time.

But it doesn't sound like you should trust her again. And you've said she's bad for you. Since you feel that way, you really should break off contact with her. You can never be "just friends" with her after the relationship you had with her. So it's time for you to stop letting her torture you with her games.

As for finding someone else, you need to pray, pray, pray, every step of the way. Do nothing without prayer for guidance and help. Ask him to impress you with which of the suggestions you should start with, or if you should do something else. And like Dgrimm says, go slow. And be patient. Don't rush into anything.

[LynnDel]

Quote:

Yes, but it might cause problems especially the doctrine on the state of the dead. You know most Christians believe their loved ones are in heaven...so I could see problems there, right?

It's not so much what you believe that would make a difference, but what you DO with what you believe. Since one's belief in the state of the dead doesn't result in action, except in extremes where people might think they're talking to their dead loved ones, differences over the state of the dead would not be likely to bring up issues of controversy, unless you are the kind who likes to debate an issue forever and ever (ahem).

Actual practice is what you need to be aware of. Differences between SDA and believers of the non-SDA type in the areas of diet, Sabbath-keeping, and tithing come to mind. You would need to come to agreement or be prepared for repeated friction on those topics.

Can you think of any other areas of SDA practice, or perhaps better said - your own individual practice - that might cause difficulties for you? When you find someone with whom you can talk over these issues openly and honestly and who doesn't say what she thinks you want to hear (if you appear to agree on every little thing, beware, because it won't stay that way), you've found good grounds for further exploration of your friendship.

Throughout my life I have noticed many different flavors of Adventists, and the more time passes, the wider the range of belief and practice in our churches. Just because someone has an SDA label doesn't mean that person is a follower of Christ, or that he or she will have the same practices that you do. You will likely have a more similar cultural background, because Adventism has a culture and vocabulary all its own, and is the most logical segment of humanity where you can start looking for a future mate.

It is important for you to know what characteristics and practices are most important to you. Don't leave prayer out of the equation, and don't wait for the woman to make the first move. If an opportunity comes for you to introduce yourself, take it, because that opportunity will likely not pass your way again.

Go on a mission trip, not necessarily to find someone, but to widen your circle of friends and do something that will bless you throughout your days.

There, that's the beginning and end of my advice column.

LD

[Lineman]

It is important for you to know what characteristics and practices are most important to you.

[Joe_in_RP]

Robert

It looks like there are many churches in your area. Why not shop around on Sabbaths. The Koreans have great potlucks. Just pray about it.

http://maps.google.com/maps?client=opera&rls=en&q=Columbia,+SC&sourceid=opera&oe=utf-8&um=1&ie=UTF-8&split=0&gl=us&ei=JemxSbu2NZHQMsTI2eME&sa=X&oi=geocode_result&resnum=1&ct=title

I was divorced at 39 married a Filipino at 49 that was 5 years ago. She is the greatest blessing God has ever given me.

Just go slow but my advice is to find a church to worship God. I currently move between 3 churches.

I go to the midweek service and a Friday night bible study. The Holy Spirit is working strong in my life. I wish that for you also.

[Lineman]

It's scary to start over. The question is do I want to?

I would suggest that the question should be, "Does God want me to?" Your commitment to following His leading should become #1 and knowing that He really just wants you to be happy should make that easy.

[Woody]

Quote:

PS: And those I've opposed as legalists...well, I'm all ears. Your opinion is very welcome.

What has happened to you man. Are you love sick or something. Accepting the advice of those legalists that you've opposed is just more than I can comprehend or accept.

Wake up man. Don't listen to them here legalists. I want the good ol' Rob that I am used to.

Please .... lend ME your ears .... and not the legalists of all things.

[LifeHiscost]

Any suggestions for someone thinking about starting over at 50? I have thought about remaining single, but...that's too lonely.

Help,

Robert

Your opinion is very welcome.

Robert,

Everyone's experience is different and anyone would be foolish to take another's advice unless that other person was endowed with vision enough to discern another's life without mistake.

However I do think if one has had a successful experience seeking Jesus' guidance, especially in the same area of concern, maybe some (or one) of the ideas might be useful.

Having been divorced by my wife when I still was not spiritually mature enough to carry my side of the bargain, and pretty certain she hated my guts at the time of the divorce, it took me about 8 years before coming to the conclusion there would never be a successful reconciliation.

Leaving some of the details out of the story, I finally decided to move on, but not trusting myself with either being able to make a good decision that involved the rest of my life and the rest of someone else's life, I asked God to have the final decision, no matter who I might choose.

It took about two years and about twelve different female companions, in shorter or longer relationships, all individuals I had determined I would be able to live together happily with for the rest of our lives.

Once having made the decision about the particular person involved, I brought them to the Lord and put them in His hands for the final decision.

Invariably within two weeks after bringing them to the Lord there would be something, for the most part totally out of my control but sometimes not, that made me or both of us decide to sever the relationship.

Finally, after meeting someone who seemed to join me wholeheartedly in our love for serving Jesus, I let someone else convince my head we were totally unsuited for each other. One evening after leaving her devastated at her front door and heading home, which was about 70 miles away, about 20 minutes into the trip I turned to see her jacket in the back seat of the car and knew I had to turn around to return it that night.

To make a long story short, her reception greeting me at her front door made it clear to me it would be the biggest mistake I would ever make if I were never to see her again.

After almost 32 of the happiest years of our lives in wedded bliss, we still look back on the six weeks we waited before getting married as six weeks too long.

Adam didn't need a long time to decide that Eve was his perfect soul mate. He was in a perfect environment and therefore that could be expected. My wife and I have a perfect Savior, therefore it took 40 and 42 years respectively, to find our perfect soulmate. Never underestimate God's grace, to make a life after we get done making a shambles.

"What if some did not believe and were without faith? Does their lack of faith and their faithlessness nullify and make ineffective and void the faithfulness of God and His fidelity [to His Word]?" Romans 3:3 AMP

"Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ"

Romans 5:1 KJV

"[After all] the kingdom of God is not a matter of [getting the] food and drink [one likes], but instead it is righteousness (that state which makes a person acceptable to God) and [heart] peace and joy in the Holy Spirit."Romans 14:18 AMP

"For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision availeth any thing, nor uncircumcision, but a new creature.

And as many as walk according to this rule, peace be on them, and mercy, and upon the Israel of God. "Gal 6:15-17

KJV

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."Philippians 4:7 KJV

"And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ."1 Thessalonians 5:23 KJV

From a legalist. God's blessings.

[phkrause]

Robert you are getting lots of very good advice, and I think what Joe is saying here is just what the doctor ordered. But I think what I'm hearing more than anything is your reluctance to going to an adventist church. And that's probably from the experience that you've encounter before. I think its time to give yourself another chance, or I should say the adventist church another chance! Now that you've grown in your relationship with God its made you a stronger christian. Hope you are having a great Sabbath.

pk

[Robert]

It sounds to me like you still love this woman (your ex) and maybe it is her that has convinced you that she is not good for you. Is she correct?

[Robert]

Wake up man. Don't listen to them here legalists.

Well, when it comes to marriage and sexual things, I almost bored on legalism. I mean if your marriage relationship is off it affects everything. So I don't think they can give me bad advice here....

Rob

[Lineman]

I was thinking last night about your situation and it dawned on me that if you were to choose a mate from another denomination she most likely would consider your views as being legalistic. If I read what you wrote correctly, the reason you stopped going to church was for the same reason. So, if you were at church and a visitor came in would they think of you as being a legalist? What I am getting at is that it appears that it is actually our own attitude toward, or perception of, other people and maybe it is an incorrect "asumption". I remember visiting another SDA church about a year ago and there was a man there who, as the service went on, demonstrated to everyone that he was very, very set in his ways and NO ONE could even reason with him.

You said that your ex seems to be saying things just because she believes that you cannot trust her ever again. What do you think, could you ever forgive her? Jesus forgives us, but He also knows that we are going to fail again and again. If your ex fails you again, then what?

You indicate that you would like to get back together. Then you add the word "but...", why? What keeps the two of you from getting back together again, her?

You wrote, "She says she likes the attention of men as far as communication." Is that something that you could give her instead? Did the two of you take long walks together often? I have found that walking with my wife lets her "vent" and tells me what's going on in her life that is important. I don't walk with her as much as I should ('cause I walk about 8 miles a day at work already), but I see this time as being very good for her as a person and for us as a couple.

You asked, "...but where would one look in the south?" I am very serious about the open/closed door prayer I talked about. I have done that myself and it is so encouraging to KNOW that when you are given an opportunity it is EXACTLY what God wants for you. It gives you so much freedom and comfort. You begin to see closed doors almost everywhere though, so don't take them from a negative point of view, just see them as God working to direct your life. (Who knows, He might even give you the open door, the opportunity to get back together with the one you already love?)

If you choose to move on, I agree with the suggestion that you visit the other churches in your area. Get to know the people as friends. They in turn may end up helping you find someone who is also looking for an Adventist Christian companion.

And if you follow this prayer thing, don't just sit at home waiting for "something to happen". Get out there and look for those open doors. Just be honest with yourself and with God. Don't jump to conclusions; don't jump ahead of His leading, but when He really opens a door then you can JUMP knowing that this is exactly what He wants.

What a God we serve! He just wants you to be happy and so you know that you can totally trust Him with your search for a friend.

I think that the very first thing you need to do is to come to grips with this truth. Make the extra effort to seek Him FIRST. KNOW in your heart that He wants only the absolute best for you, just because He wants you to be happy. Then you can do whatever you want knowing that what you want is actually what He wants.

Blessings,

Dan