Moderators Gerr Posted September 20, 2009 Moderators Share Posted September 20, 2009 HEY PAULA I am sure what most of what you say is factual I remember my DAD telling me that marriage is a 50-50 way of life that each have to make it work I had a patient I jokingly named 50% because her husband who believed in the 50-50 arrangement. He required her to be responsible for 50% of everything, including paying for 50% of everything out of her own earnings! Quote: I will go even further and say that marriage is 100-100 way of life I heartily endorse this one. It's a 100% commitment for sure! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paula Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Kind of hard to be happy when your husband expects you to work, care for the kids AND do all the housework!!! Recent Sociological study: Married working women in the U.S. do about 70 to 80 percent of the housework. When women marry, the number of hours they spend on housework increases; for men, it stays the same. When couples have children, her housework increases three times as much as his. But, no.. the problem isn't that most men don't care about their wives needs, it's (as one poster here put it) the beauty industry. LOL!!! Yeah.. that's it. You know, if you (the men posting here) are as resistant to your wives complaints and requests of what she needs, as you all are of the points that the women in this post are making, then it really only proves our point. Paula Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Bravus Posted September 21, 2009 Moderators Share Posted September 21, 2009 Umm... the one who mentioned the beauty industry is *also* the one who is *not* resisting her complaints and requests, but rather suggesting putting her needs first. Don't tar us all with the same brush. And, incidentally, since we both work, and both hate housework, we pay someone else to do it. Solves that problem. Quote Truth is important Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outta Here Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Just wanna say...my husband rocks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Â Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paula Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Lol Bravus!!! I'm sure your an awesome husband!!! I just found it funny that a thread about womens happiness was dominated by men. And many seemed to become quite defensive at the thought that they might somehow play a role in that unhappiness. Women are extremely relational, and quite emotional. And I can tell you, most women could live in a hut and still be happy, as long as their emotional and relational needs are being met. I thought it was funny though that no one mentioned marital problems as a possible cause, while the beauty industry was mentioned (in other words, women are vain, and therefore depressed because they aren't as beautiful as the women in the magazines and on tv). While I agree that the beauty industry is a big problem, I think its more a symptom, and not the actual disease. I work in a high fashion enviornment and I am the first to attest that most of the "shallow" women who seem only to be interested in couture, shoes and handbags, when you really get to know them, are just trying to fill the void of their emotional needs. Many are there because their husbands rather through wads of cash at them, then to actually spend time with them. And I stand by my original post. Women are relational. Usually, wen a man cheats, its' sexual. When a woman cheats, usually, it's emotional. She'll end up in bed, yes, but because this guy treated her kindly, was interested in her, valued her, bla bla bla.. For men, it's usually, "she meant nothing to me, I was just weak, it was just sex". And that's not stereotyping. Are their exceptions. Of course!!! But, bottom line, women, both of the world, and inside the church, are craving a deeper emotional relationship with their spouses. And sadly, many are not getting it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators Gail Posted September 21, 2009 Administrators Share Posted September 21, 2009 Great post, Paula! Quote Isaiah 32:17 And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Quote: And sadly, many are not getting it. Then a new paradigm needs to be tried perhaps? Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Â Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outta Here Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 What would you suggest? After all, women are designed by God to be relational beings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Both sides need to bent or give ... just a little. Trying to understand and accept how each was made different is a start. Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Â Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outta Here Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 I think that's all anyone has been trying to say through all these pages of posts (at least in the last two pages or so). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Cool. Perhaps I had erroneousnessly thought one side was being blamed more than another. Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Â Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olger Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Both men & women are created with the ability to give & receive love. And both need it, although they differ in their roles & makeup. I agree that many men don't know how to acheive emotional intimacy and many women don't know how to respect men for who they are. We can learn together. As to the unhappiness quotient - In our culture men are being conditioned to be passive. Women are told that they must have a measure of independence from man, and also to look a certain way, and that they must have a career to be happy. Hogwash of course. What is needed, is that both men & women will resolve the spiritual & emotional issues that they brought into the marriage in order to fulfill God's purposes. Those issues become the barriers that paula is describing (on both sides). "Let the wife not depart from her husband." Porn is a bad one. I agree and have counseled over a hundred cases including some pastors. That needs to be broken. There is an idea that needs broken too, namely that men must be a woman to be relational. I handed a sheet of paper to a couple tha came in and asked them to write a description of the a perfect spouse. Afterwards I turned to the gal and said "You just described a woman." Lights came on.. God never intended that our marriages would be frustrating. oG Quote "Please don't feed the drama queens.." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Bravus Posted September 23, 2009 Moderators Share Posted September 23, 2009 Good sense, sir. Quote Truth is important Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paula Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Olger, You said, "I handed a sheet of paper to a couple tha came in and asked them to write a description of the a perfect spouse. Afterwards I turned to the gal and said "You just described a woman." Lights came on.." Could you share a sample of what she wrote? Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Shane Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 There are many factors that can contribute to happiness. But these are contributing factors only and do not cause happiness. Living in a mild climate with lots of sunshine contributes to happiness. Having good health contributes to happiness. Having financial freedom contributes to happiness. Having a good spouse contributes to happiness. Yet there are wealthy, healthy people living in sunny mild climates with good marriages that are still unhappy. Alanon is a 12 Step organization for spouses and family members of alcoholics. Alanon teaches its members how to be happy while living with an alcoholic. Alanon members learn that their happiness does not depend and never will depend on how the alcoholic behaves. I have known Alanon women that have lived with practicing alcoholics for decades. The key to their happiness lies with them and their relationship with God. When both husband and wife are willing to work at having a good marriage, there is a base to build something really good on. As I have read this thread I have seen many contributing to it that have either never read Gary Chapman's "Five Love Languages" or have forgotten everything in the book. Not only do men and women speak differently, not all men speak the same and not all women speak the same. Most women crave emotional intimacy. That is true. That is how they feel loved. Most men crave sexual intimacy. That is true. That is how they feel loved. When a wife feels that her husband is treating her like a prostitute, she obviously doesn't understand her husband. When a wife acts like sex is a burden she is telling her husband that she doesn't love him. Her chances of her husband then wanting to have emotional intimacy with her decreases. Why would a man want emotional intimacy with someone that doesn't love him? It becomes a downward spiral. The woman doesn't want to have sex because she isn't getting emotional intimacy and her attitude toward sex makes her husband less likely give her emotional intimacy. Couples in that predicament need outside help. This is where the marriage seminars come in. Marriages need tune-ups. Married couples should be attending a marriage seminar at least once every five years. Once a year would be awesome. Quote Pastoral Family Counselor... Find me at www.PostumCafe.com Author of Peculiar Christianity Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olger Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 essence: Someone who loves to chat about the things that interest me. Someone who is sensitive, and kind. Someone who loves to shop (aarrggghhhh) that sort of thing... Quote "Please don't feed the drama queens.." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outta Here Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Why would any husband treat his wife like a prostitute? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olger Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Couples who are experiencing spiritual and emotional intimacy have no trouble with physical intimacy. In fact it is ten times better. oG Quote "Please don't feed the drama queens.." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outta Here Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 What did the husband's list look like? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olger Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 he wanted a woman too.. Quote "Please don't feed the drama queens.." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outta Here Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 someone to chat with about stuff he was interested in, someone sensitive and kind, someone to shop with?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outta Here Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 What sort of things should a woman want in a man (do you think--from a man's point of view)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paula Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Someone who loves to chat about the things that interest me. Someone who is sensitive, and kind. Someone who loves to shop (aarrggghhhh) Well Older, with the exception of "loves to shop", I see nothing wrong with wanting a man to be sensitive and kind, nor to want him to love to chat about the things that interest her. I don't understand how that means she wants the husband to be a man. Shane, what I hear from many women is this: "If I had denied him sex, the way he denies me affection over our ___ year marriage (fill in the blanks, they range from 5-15 years)he would have left me and everyone would have said, "well of course, she is denying him her wifely duty", but no one ever remembers that the Bible clearly points out that the husbands duty is to LOVE the wife, as Christ loves the church. The wife who feels like a "prostitute" every time she sleeps with her husband says she feels that way because for years she has been sexually available, but she feels he has been emotionally disconnected. To her, the fact that he would go months without giving her a kiss, the fact that he never gives her anything on Birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day, the fact that he pushes her away emotionally, and doesn't empathize when she verbalizes her needs, etc.. etc.., makes her feel used in bed. While I don't have a marriage like that, thank goodness, I can certainly understand how a woman in that situation would feel used. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paula Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Well Older, with the exception of "loves to shop", I see nothing wrong with wanting a man to be sensitive and kind, nor to want him to love to chat about the things that interest her. I don't understand how that means she wants the husband to be a man. I meant to say, " I don't see how that means she wants the husband to be a woman" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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