Administrators Gail Posted February 24, 2010 Administrators Share Posted February 24, 2010 I've been reading a bit about Ray Boltz and what he and his ex-wife is up to now. She had a remarkable challenge to face: After 33 years of marriage, one that she cherished, her husband told her he is gay. As much as she would have liked things to remain the way they were, she knew they couldn't. Their marriage dissolved a few years later. How does one handle having one's world turn upside down, and just when things seemed to be going well? Quote Isaiah 32:17 And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outta Here Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 How does anyone deal with inner emotional turmoil? Some hide it; some face it alone head-on; some get by with a little help from their friends; some bury it in drugs and alcohol; and some turn to God. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators Gail Posted February 24, 2010 Author Administrators Share Posted February 24, 2010 Is it fair or right to expect that the person you married will be the same one you fell in love with? Or is it normal? Quote Isaiah 32:17 And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outta Here Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Everyone grows. Yet still, each of us remains the same person throughout our lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rudywoofs (Pam) Posted February 24, 2010 Members Share Posted February 24, 2010 My mom and dad only knew each other for three weeks before they got married. From what I can figure out, neither one of them changed much in the 50+ years they were married. My mom said my Dad only got mad at her one time, and that was when she was cutting his hair. He always wore a crew cut. She was cutting it one time and started to laugh because she accidently cut it up just a tad higher on the sides than usual. It didn't look bad or anything, but the more mad he got, the more she laughed. Quote Pam      Meddle Not In the Affairs of Dragons; for You Are Crunchy and Taste Good with Ketchup. If we all sang the same note in the choir, there'd never be any harmony. Funny, isn't it, how we accept Grace for ourselves and demand justice for others? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil D Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Everyone grows. Yet still, each of us remains the same person throughout our lives. It doesn't seem so in Ray Boltz case.... We take a chance when we get married....The other person is taking a chance on you, and you on the other person....It's a good thing ...to love... It's another thing when women or men change.... Quote Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.  George Bernard Shaw  Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outta Here Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Who says he changed?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreatLakesGramma Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Ray Boltz is still the same person, he was just hiding the truth about what he was inside when he married. But I'm definitely not the same person I was when I was married. I'd only been an Adventist for a short time, and was still very worldly, and my husband liked me that way. I had grown some, and was still growing, and there came a time when that growth put me at odds with my husband. Things were not pleasant in our home, for anyone, for a long time. The kids hid in their rooms when Dad was home, because his temper was explosive in those days, and they didn't want to be in the line of fire. He finally quit resisting God and went forward at a men's retreat, after he heard God say to him "this is your last chance." He is no longer the same person he was either, and everyone noticed the difference right away, when it happened. Quote Catherine God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26. "To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." -- C. S. Lewis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators Gail Posted February 24, 2010 Author Administrators Share Posted February 24, 2010 Teh big change was that he was no longer able to lead the tortured double life he had been leading, and decided to live openly as a gay man. That was a huge revelation to his family, as he had kept it secret for years. I know that if it were me I would have wondered if family could overcome anything. But he had different plans for his life that would from then on include men in his love life (and he has been dating men, he said) instead of his wife. There was not really much she could do to hang on to what used to be. Her life, as a result, would change dreastically, too. Quote Isaiah 32:17 And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Is it fair or right to expect that the person you married will be the same one you fell in love with? Or is it normal? Hi Gail. None of us remain the same person throughout our life. We all change. A little for the good and a little for the bad. No marriage would survive if we didn't tolerate change. Women are especially known to change. It can be quite difficult for us men to adapt to the whims of women. But, most of us do a fair job. Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Â Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outta Here Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Ray may have made changes in behavior, but internally, he is the same person. Which leads me to question: Do we marry for behavior, or do we marry for who the person is on the inside? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members phkrause Posted February 24, 2010 Members Share Posted February 24, 2010 I've been reading a bit about Ray Boltz and what he and his ex-wife is up to now. She had a remarkable challenge to face: After 33 years of marriage, one that she cherished, her husband told her he is gay. As much as she would have liked things to remain the way they were, she knew they couldn't. Their marriage dissolved a few years later. How does one handle having one's world turn upside down, and just when things seemed to be going well? Good question Gail. Like some have already mentioned, I think as we grow together we do change, closer to our partner, hopefully. And with God as number one in our lives than we will grow to the better. Some think that God was with them at marriage but he wasn't. I'm not trying to judge but I know quite a few that married and this was there premise, but as soon as trouble brewed they never once gave God a chance in repairing there marriage. Instead of seeking his counsel they listen to others who gave them the worst advice possible. I feel sorry for this couple of 33 years, not sure what can change there especially if God is not with them. pk Quote phkrause Obstinacy is a barrier to all improvement. - ChL 60 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Off Topic ... But I love some of Ray's music. Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Â Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Ray may have made changes in behavior, but internally, he is the same person. Which leads me to question: Do we marry for behavior, or do we marry for who the person is on the inside? Sadly Aubrey, a lot of women don't marry for either of those reasons, they marry the person because they think they can "change" them. And then they make themselves miserable for years trying to. Quote For what will a man be profited, if he gains the whole world, and forfeits his soul? Mat. 16:26Please, support the JDRF and help find a cure for Type 1 Diabetes. Please, support the March of Dimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Ray may have made changes in behavior, but internally, he is the same person. Which leads me to question: Do we marry for behavior, or do we marry for who the person is on the inside? Marriage is a committment to the person whether it be inside or outside. Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Â Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dottie Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 I made my commitment to God. I think very few people know the person they marry very well. It takes a lifetime to really know someone. I sure know a lot more about my husband now than I did just a few years ago, and we have been married for almost 36 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreatLakesGramma Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Marriage is a committment to the person whether it be inside or outside. Quote Catherine God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26. "To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." -- C. S. Lewis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members phkrause Posted February 25, 2010 Members Share Posted February 25, 2010 I made my commitment to God. I think very few people know the person they marry very well. It takes a lifetime to really know someone. I sure know a lot more about my husband now than I did just a few years ago, and we have been married for almost 36 years. A very good point Dottie. I heard once that arranged marriage's last longer than others. From what I've heard, at least in Jewish arranged marriage's, that they grow to love each other, but they have already committed there lives to God first. pk Quote phkrause Obstinacy is a barrier to all improvement. - ChL 60 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators Gail Posted February 25, 2010 Author Administrators Share Posted February 25, 2010 I like that about being committed to God first! That would help take the sting out of how expectations of this world go. Quote Isaiah 32:17 And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Shane Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 I think the issue in regard to Ray Boltz' marriage is one leaving the faith. Are we bound to stay with our spouse if he or she leaves the faith? Clearly people change as they go through life. However many people never change their religion. When I got married I choose to marry an Adventist. We do not condone homosexual behavior. If my wife were to announce she is a lesbian, that would not be something I could accommodate and would be a departure from our faith. If she decides she likes hip-hop music, bowling or dying her hair... those are things I can accommodate. Our marriage is built on our faith. Without a common faith I would have a very difficult time continuing in the marriage. Quote Pastoral Family Counselor... Find me at www.PostumCafe.com Author of Peculiar Christianity Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Gerr Posted February 25, 2010 Moderators Share Posted February 25, 2010 Is it fair or right to expect that the person you married will be the same one you fell in love with? Or is it normal? Change is not optional. Hopefully, as we get older, we change for the better, especially Christians. The problem comes when we change for the worse, or if the rate of change is too different between couples. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators LynnDel Posted February 25, 2010 Moderators Share Posted February 25, 2010 I think the issue in regard to Ray Boltz' marriage is one leaving the faith. Are we bound to stay with our spouse if he or she leaves the faith? Clearly people change as they go through life. However many people never change their religion. When I got married I choose to marry an Adventist. We do not condone homosexual behavior. If my wife were to announce she is a lesbian, that would not be something I could accommodate and would be a departure from our faith. If she decides she likes hip-hop music, bowling or dying her hair... those are things I can accommodate. Our marriage is built on our faith. Without a common faith I would have a very difficult time continuing in the marriage. Did you include that in your wedding vows, Shane? - not only "until death us do part" but "until religion us do part?" It would be a good thing to think this one over, because commitment is still a part of the equation, even if a person's religious ideas change. Can you really magine turning your back on the one you have loved all these years? I heard a person once say that his wife was not in the same great shape she had been when they married, that she was therefore a different person, and he had no compulsion to keep his marriage commitment because she was not the same person he had committed to. He was joking, but how many people seriously consider such a rationalization? LD Quote LD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members abelisle Posted February 25, 2010 Members Share Posted February 25, 2010 My take on this is that first and foremost that a marriage relationship should have redemptive qualities. Anything that impairs or impedes this redemptive process for either partner has to be identified and reconciled. If that can't happen, then maintaining the relationship loses its meaningful purpose? I believe that God provided man with a woman not only as a companion but as an aide towards both of them living a redemptive life in the face of the onslaught of sin which if left to its own devices will forever separate man from God. Obviously there are a few avenues of recourse: 1) marriage therapy 2) spiritual counseling 3) divorce. It seems that the Bible only allows divorce for adultery but EGW suggests rather indirectly that abuse clearly interferes with the redemptive aspect of marriage. (please correct me if I'm misinformed) Wouldn't the confession of a spouse that they are homosexual be in itself a form of emotional and psychological abuse? Alex Quote We are our worst enemy - sad but true. Â http://abelisle.blogspot.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outta Here Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 No. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Quote: Wouldn't the confession of a spouse that they are homosexual be in itself a form of emotional and psychological abuse? I have no idea where you are going with this. BUT ... abuse is not a justification for divorce. Adultry is. But not abuse. Let's be clear on this. We all abuse each other and our spouses. But, God calls upon us to make it right. He calls upon us to pray and to unite. But he does not call us to divorce because there is abuse. Now ... separation is always an option. We are not commanded to live with an abusive spouse. But we are called upon to make it right and to reconcile. Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Â Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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