What do you do when your spouse changes?

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

Originally Posted By: GreatLakesGramma

Revealing one's homosexuality to his/her spouse isn't abuse, any more than it would be for me to tell my husband of my struggles... And everybody struggles with something, unless they're mentally incapable of comprehending right and wrong.

We shouldn't tell our spouses certain information that would hurt them unless they need to know. To do so is selfish on our part.

For example, if I have an affair I shouldn't tell my wife just to relieve my conscience. Unless the affair is something that is on-going. If that be the case, yes, my wife needs to know.

If I discover I am gay, I do not need to reveal that to my wife unless I am involved with same-sex activities. I may want to confide in a trusted friend or counselor but to lay that heavy burden on my wife so that I might feel "honest" is selfishness. Unless I am acting out on my gay desires, my wife doesn't need to know.

I agree with Shane. My father could have burdened my mother with the details of his previous divorce, but he chose not to, and my mother chose not to ask him about it. It was a very difficult time in my Dad's life and one that he did not wish to discuss with anyone. It didn't have anything to do with my mom, it was before she knew my father, and she felt it was none of her business to inquire and dig up past wounds.

[olger]

Divorce is a tough thing. It creates a layer of pain over a person's heart, and must be resolved through genuine forgiveness in order for that person to be able to love.

I agree, details sometimes aren't useful, but a couple must have no locked doors between them if they desire true oneness.

g

[Dr. Shane]

We are called to carry one another's burdens and to be a help-meet for our spouses. By not telling one's spouse it to deprive them of the opportunity to be the help-meet that God wants us to be.

Some burdens are heavier than others. I refuse to lay a burden upon my wife that will hurt her. I have no right to do that. The purpose of my marriage is not to hurt my wife. Yes, we share some burdens. When I struggle with my job, a role at church, financial issues, etc. my wife is with me through thick and thin. But let's say someone comes up to me and says "Your wife is ugly" or "Your wife is stupid" or perhaps tells me something about my wife's past that is painful and what they say bothers me. Should I share that with my wife, knowing that it will hurt her? No! Not me. I will choose to protect my wife and not hurt her. Perhaps I need to talk to a close friend or counselor but not one I would hurt by sharing the information.

For me to tell my wife I have cheated on her with a man or a woman is too much. If it is in my past she doesn't need to know. If it is an on-going relationship, then yes she needs to know. Why hurt my wife with information she doesn't need to know? That is really a form of selfishness.

Now what about this idea "we need to share everything and have no secrets"? I think that springs from a selfish desire to want to be unconditionally accepted. God accepts me unconditionally. I don't need to "test" my wife to see if she will accept me when I tell her some deep dark secret. Maybe, just maybe, my wife's faith isn't that strong to carry such a heavy burden. It is selfishness that would cause me to tell her such a thing. I want unconditional acceptance from her and what does she get? She gets to know some deep dark secret that she doesn't need to know. No, I have no right to damage her for my own sake.

[LifeHiscost]

"Who can understand his errors?

Cleanse me from secret faults.

Keep back Your servant also from presumptuous sins;

Let themn not have dominion over me."

This covers both secret sins and those not so secret! It covers all of them!

Beautiful promise. Thanks for posting it, Gail. I believe it reveals this promise also.

"If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to His own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action]." 1 John 1:9 AMP

Continuous cleansing implies continuous failure, and while the word continuous is not found in the original translation there is every reason to believe it is not an error of reasoning, considering the mercy and grace of Jesus and His desire to take His children home, despite (their/our/my) limited capacity for loyalty.

The added bonus is that you can go forward as if you had never sinned, for God wipes the slate clean and if it is not on His mind it is a lack of belief in His willingness and power to save when we burden others with something that has already been cast into the depths of the sea. Obviously that conclusion would have to be modified if the sin is ongoing in reality.

"If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself."2 Timothy 2:13 NKJV

Blessings!!

[Ted]

IMNSHO, gay is a form of infidelity. I believe that divorce is sanctioned in this case.

But you said 'changes' without specifying the change. This can change the nature of the question.

Ted

[olger]

Thank you for your response Shane.

I must respectfully disagree. Hidden "closets" in our heart will prevent us from emotional intimacy with our spouse, especially something as damaging as infidelity.

Lies will begin to build inside your heart on the basis of that stronghold (hidden closet) and the truth will begin to close in your life. And you will wonder, "what is happening to my heart?"

Your spouse will look at you and say "Why don't you care anymore?" Why don't you read the Bible." Your heart will lock towards God and others. You are trapped, and will die in that box canyon, unless repentance & confession take place.

Summary:

If you cannot open your heart to God, you will never open it to another person.

You cannot have emotional intimacy with your spouse if there are hidden closets between you. I can provide a thousand examples.

g

[Gerr]

But don't you think there are some things that no other human being should hear, not even the devil but God alone?

[Dr. Shane]

I come from a 12 Step background. I sobered up in AA when I was 16 and have been involved with it ever since. I am now 40. I mention this because it helps explain my prospective. Step Nine reads, "We made direct amends to such people except when to do so would injure them or others."

The reason we make amends to others is for our own healing - not for theirs. When making such an amend would injure those we have harmed or others, we have no right to make such an amend - even when so doing would probably benefit us emotionally, spiritually or otherwise. That is a ground we simply must not tread. If that means there is a part of us that will never heal, then so be it. We do not have the right to hurt others so that we can heal.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger agrees with this position. She repeatedly advises her callers not to tell their innocent spouses about past marital infidelity. Unless the infidelity is ongoing or has caused an STD, the innocent spouse does not need to know. While the unfaithful spouse is likely to benefit from revealing the truth to the innocent spouse, he or she has no right to do that.

[Gail]

Wow- thanks for keeping this topic going! Lots of interesting points being made!