Doug Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 Without getting into too many details, a pathfinder staff member has an obsession with a girl who is 14 years old. The girls parents, who are Pathfinder staff have noticed that the staff member has been giving far too much attention to the girl, and the girl herself has sad on several occasions that she feels uncomfortable around him. Also he does not practice proper etiquette, or space boundaries. Things like coming over to the house uninvited several days a week, coming over to the house when the parents are not home and demanding to be let in, sleeping on the younger daughters bed (the parents approved this because he was staying over and she wasn't home) but then bragging to everyone that he slept on HER bed. And finally he attends both of the daughters cheerleader practices without being invited, he just shows up. The parents and the kids are really nice people, but the parents don't want to say anything to him because he is a pastors son. How I got involved (or hope not to be involved) is that they are asking my brother and I to help fix the problem, or mediate, since we have known the son and his dad for several years now. I say we should steer clear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 Hi Doug. It's always so good to see you. I hope things are going well for you. My advice: Follow Matt.18 Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 Quickly ... Like on fast track. Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 If that fails ... a restraining order might be in order. Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Bravus Posted May 23, 2010 Moderators Share Posted May 23, 2010 You didn't mention how old the guy is: it's a bit different if he's 16 or 35... But the parents are at least alert, aware and vigilant: that's half the battle. My advice is to forget it has anything to do with church, Pathfinders, anything: the church has done too much pussyfooting around on things like this in the past, with dreadful consequences. Matthew 18, definitely: but delivered by a couple of strapping men who are not afraid to tell this guy very clearly that he's completely out of line and needs to stay far from this girl. Quote Truth is important Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 Yes. I agree Bravus. Like ... you got ONE chance fella and if you take a misstep ... it will be the police who will be helping in the process. Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bonnie Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 Yes. I agree Bravus. Like ... you got ONE chance fella and if you take a misstep ... it will be the police who will be helping in the process. This guy should be checked out by the police. If he is an adult it is almost a certainty this is not his "first obsession". Quote Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It's not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument, or your age that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make, period ... ... Wish more people would realize this. Quotes by Susan Gottesman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woody Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 Well Bonnie. I was assuming the best of this church. ALL pathfinder staff are required to have a background check. And if this church is not doing that .... there are big problems there. Quote May we be one so that the world may be won. Christian from the cradle to the grave I believe in Hematology. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrsducky Posted May 24, 2010 Share Posted May 24, 2010 The first thing that should happen is that this staff member should be removed from that post. (Forget about the relationship with the pastor). Then you are free to explore a permanent solution to the issue. Maybe your church will want to use background checks in choosing staff in the future. I will pray for your situation. The parents need to decide if they want to protect their daughter or the pastor's son, and the girl's father needs to have a very pointed discussion with the pastor and his son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doug Posted May 24, 2010 Author Share Posted May 24, 2010 The first thing that should happen is that this staff member should be removed from that post. (Forget about the relationship with the pastor). Then you are free to explore a permanent solution to the issue. Maybe your church will want to use background checks in choosing staff in the future. I will pray for your situation. The parents need to decide if they want to protect their daughter or the pastor's son, and the girl's father needs to have a very pointed discussion with the pastor and his son. Remove him even though it isn't really a pathfinder issue? I was thinking the parents need to sit down with the pastor and the son and get everything out. I don't see a discussion about this happening between the dad and the son, I know them, they are not that close, I can;'t even imagine the conversation taking place. The son is very immature (he is 25), he hangs around with young kids a lot, and he used to visit his old HS almost every day a few years ago. His parents are wrapped around his finger because he is the only son: They don;t require him to work or pay rent, or even get a car. he depends on people to drive him around everywhere. We try to help him but he won't listen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Bravus Posted May 24, 2010 Moderators Share Posted May 24, 2010 A very immature adult is basically the *definition* of a pedophile. This situation needs to be handled with extreme care, and this guy really should be placed into some form of treatment program, because I fear if he's not he *will* end up offending at some point (if he hasn't already). Urgent and essential that it be addressed in the most serious way. Quote Truth is important Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bonnie Posted May 24, 2010 Share Posted May 24, 2010 Well Bonnie. I was assuming the best of this church. ALL pathfinder staff are required to have a background check. And if this church is not doing that .... there are big problems there. Quote Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It's not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument, or your age that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make, period ... ... Wish more people would realize this. Quotes by Susan Gottesman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doug Posted May 24, 2010 Author Share Posted May 24, 2010 They are too nice to say anything to him. I am certain they are afraid of hurting his feelings. I think the relationship between them started off as him thinking they thought of him as another son (they have 4 kids) because they used to invite him over a lot (I am guessing) but then he started to take things too far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doug Posted May 24, 2010 Author Share Posted May 24, 2010 The daughter was complaining about him hugging her for a bit too long. I say if they don't stop this now, the hugs will continue to other things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bonnie Posted May 24, 2010 Share Posted May 24, 2010 They are too nice to say anything to him. I am certain they are afraid of hurting his feelings. I think the relationship between them started off as him thinking they thought of him as another son (they have 4 kids) because they used to invite him over a lot (I am guessing) but then he started to take things too far. Too nice not to say anything to protect their child? I am sorry,I don't understand that. But someone needs to stop this before that little girl is harmed nice or not Quote Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It's not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument, or your age that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make, period ... ... Wish more people would realize this. Quotes by Susan Gottesman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreatLakesGramma Posted May 24, 2010 Share Posted May 24, 2010 Remove him even though it isn't really a pathfinder issue? It IS a pathfinder issue. Anyone who behaves that inappropriately around a 14 year old girl isn't fit to be in any kind of leadership position with ANY kid's organization. Quote Catherine God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26. "To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." -- C. S. Lewis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz Posted May 24, 2010 Share Posted May 24, 2010 I'm not sure what the parents want you to do. They are the parents, they are the ones that needs to sit this boy down and lay down the law. Then say the next step is the police. Saying they are too nice, is hogwash in my opinion. These parents were entrusted with the care and protection of any child that God graced their home with, they need to step up to the plate and, by george, protect them. Quote For what will a man be profited, if he gains the whole world, and forfeits his soul? Mat. 16:26Please, support the JDRF and help find a cure for Type 1 Diabetes. Please, support the March of Dimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Bravus Posted May 24, 2010 Moderators Share Posted May 24, 2010 I've known other parents to do likewise, even with known predators, bonnie. I agree, it's incomprehensible. Quote Truth is important Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bonnie Posted May 24, 2010 Share Posted May 24, 2010 I've known other parents to do likewise, even with known predators, bonnie. I agree, it's incomprehensible. I don't get it. Nice is not a word I would use for parents failing to protect their child. This little girl is telling them and they do not protect her. Where is the rest of the church? Are they seeing what the parents have seen? At 25 you can almost bet this is not his first "inappropriate obsession" and with this attitude it blame sure won't be his last. Still the same question,Who cares enough to protect this little girl? Quote Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It's not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument, or your age that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make, period ... ... Wish more people would realize this. Quotes by Susan Gottesman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 24, 2010 Share Posted May 24, 2010 Without getting into too many details, a pathfinder staff member has an obsession with a girl who is 14 years old. The girls parents, who are Pathfinder staff have noticed that the staff member has been giving far too much attention to the girl, and the girl herself has sad on several occasions that she feels uncomfortable around him. Also he does not practice proper etiquette, or space boundaries. Things like coming over to the house uninvited several days a week, coming over to the house when the parents are not home and demanding to be let in, sleeping on the younger daughters bed (the parents approved this because he was staying over and she wasn't home) but then bragging to everyone that he slept on HER bed. And finally he attends both of the daughters cheerleader practices without being invited, he just shows up. The parents and the kids are really nice people, but the parents don't want to say anything to him because he is a pastors son. How I got involved (or hope not to be involved) is that they are asking my brother and I to help fix the problem, or mediate, since we have known the son and his dad for several years now. I say we should steer clear. Here's one man's opinion: Something needs to be done immediatly. Since the parents don't want to say anything, they probably won't until it's too late. One of the quickest ways to handle it would be for you, or your brother, or both, pull the guy to the side and say something like: Look. Everyone but you knows that you are being inappropriate with this young girl. So you can either knock it off, or drastic measures WILL be taken. Just so you know. Now that you have had fair warning, the rest is up to you, as to how it will be handled. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olger Posted May 24, 2010 Share Posted May 24, 2010 The fellow needs to be confronted, I agree. If the girl feels uncomfortable - LISTEN TO HER. A woman can sense if a man is having impure thoughts towards her. I can't believe the question is being asked here. Do it. Action. g Quote "Please don't feed the drama queens.." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators LynnDel Posted May 24, 2010 Moderators Share Posted May 24, 2010 Quote: Here's one man's opinion: Something needs to be done immediatly. Since the parents don't want to say anything, they probably won't until it's too late. One of the quickest ways to handle it would be for you, or your brother, or both, pull the guy to the side and say something like: Look. Everyone but you knows that you are being inappropriate with this young girl. So you can either knock it off, or drastic measures WILL be taken. Just so you know. Now that you have had fair warning, the rest is up to you, as to how it will be handled. Good answer, Richard. I have seen this approach work very effectively. A man needs to stand up to this guy and tell him what's what. LynnDel Quote LD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outta Here Posted May 24, 2010 Share Posted May 24, 2010 Pull the parents aside first and foremost. Tell them that they are NOT doing their job as parents, and that is their FIRST calling. It is their responsibility to protect their child from predators; it is their daughter's responsibility to tell her parents when they feel unsafe. SHE is reacting the way she should. Her parents are not. They are falling short of the high calling that God gives them when they neglect to take action to protect their young. You could also remind them that if they sit around and do nothing--they could soon be grandparents to this man's children. Then they'd be stuck with the problem for life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doug Posted May 24, 2010 Author Share Posted May 24, 2010 You could also remind them that if they sit around and do nothing--they could soon be grandparents to this man's children. Then they'd be stuck with the problem for life. I want to tell the parents that in 4 years there will be a lot less that they can do to stop him but I don't know how they would take it. I really blame the parents for keeping this going because they talk to him and joke around with him every week, but they talk about how disruptive he is behind his back to everyone without doing anything. last week he had a birthday party and they really didn't want to go but the whole clan showed up anyways. The matter is being told to the director so we will see what happens. In the back of my mind I want to believe that he is innocent and is just acting like a kid, but at this age he is he should know better. Calling the kids and asking how was their day at school is not appropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrsducky Posted May 24, 2010 Share Posted May 24, 2010 You said he was a Pathfinder staff member. It sounds like a difficult issue but I still think he has no business in a Pathfinder setting. I will add my prayers to yours that a postitive solution can be found. Lots of red flags. . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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