Something that puzzles me..........

[Gregory Matthews]

It is the State that decides whether or not to license professional counselors who do public counseling. Those laws differ from State to State and vary much.

In Colorado, to serve the public as a counselor, one must either be licensed or registered.

I have the professional training and experience to be licensed, but I have chosen to be neither licensed or registered, where I live. I can do that because I have decided to limit my professional counseling to the Federal patients whom I serve and do on Federal property. IOW, I do not serve the public in a counseling mode. Therefore, I am not required to be either licensed or registered.

Any advice that I may give, either publicly or privately, to people from this forum is given strictly from the stand point of the pastoral counseling that I would give as a denominational pastor.

Yes, Colorado licenses and registers pastoral counselors. I am not serving the public in a manner that requires me to either be licensed or registered.

[JoeMo]

Quote:

So what is it with Christians with their supposed superior moral code that has them so very scared, so very unable to control themselves? I really would love an answer to this.

I think it depends on the person, MT. I personally find it easier to be friends with women than with men. I also find myself attracted to some of my women friends. I'm a married man. In 63 years of life and 30 years married, I have learned:

- One woman is sometimes too much; much less two

- Letting sexual attraction (one-sided or two-sided) interfere with a friendship permanently ruins the friendship.

I know a lot of people (Christian and non-Christian) that don't think men and women can be "just friends" because sexual attraction will eventually get in the way (I think that is BS). It is those people who are so very scared and unable to control themselves.

IMO, Christians are more likely to stay in a toxic marriage longer than non-Christians because "God hates divorce". The longer they stay in an unsatisfactory relationship, the more likely they are tempted to stray. I also think Christians are more likely to lie about how "happy" their marriages are (because we Christians must be happy and hide our discontent); so they hide their dissatisfaction from each other and just let the dissatisfaction and wander-lust fester and grow rather than seeking counselling (professional; not pastoral) or trusting in close (same gender or another couple)friends. I wouldn't go to an attractive female friend for counsel on being unhappy with my mate and attracted to other women - that's kinda asking for trouble.

[CoAspen]

Quote:

Christians are more likely to stay in a toxic marriage longer than non-Christians because "God hates divorce". The longer they stay in an unsatisfactory relationship, the more likely they are tempted to stray. I also think Christians are more likely to lie about how "happy" their marriages are (because we Christians must be happy and hide our discontent); so they hide their dissatisfaction from each other and just let the dissatisfaction and wander-lust fester and grow rather than seeking counselling (professional; not pastoral) or trusting in close (same gender or another couple)friends.

I believe that is a very good point! Probably the main answer to much of what is seen.

[debbym]

Quote:

IMO, Christians are more likely to stay in a toxic marriage longer than non-Christians because "God hates divorce". The longer they stay in an unsatisfactory relationship, the more likely they are tempted to stray. I also think Christians are more likely to lie about how "happy" their marriages are (because we Christians must be happy and hide our discontent); so they hide their dissatisfaction from each other and just let the dissatisfaction and wander-lust fester and grow rather than seeking counselling (professional; not pastoral) or trusting in close (same gender or another couple)friends. I wouldn't go to an attractive female friend for counsel on being unhappy with my mate and attracted to other women - that's kinda asking for trouble.

i have not observed Christians staying in bad marriages longer.

i think the length of stay is likely along the same lines. The domestic violence shelters might i give you a glimpse into how long women across the board stay in bad marriages. of course their are all kinds of bad marriages. if a man makes lots of money and is generous with his wife she may stay in a bad marriage for a long time since it has a good trade off.

many women tolerate a man's unfaithfulness because of the children when there is faith or no faith.

then there are bad marriages with a dominating man. Christian or non Christian, women find it hard to break away from this kind of control. especially if it develops over time and is mixed with lots of love messages, it is very confusing, emotional control, or fiscal control, or violent physical control. far too many women of all kinds over stay in these marriages because of the exhilarating return of the honeymoon after every deeply negative experience. it is quite a hook.

and women who are christian may offer the excuse of religion for staying, but if there was not some kind of reward for staying that cannot do it. now if you have faith and you stay in a bad marriage, you should through your faith have your eyes clearly open to what you are doing and just why, in the very presence of your husbands wrong doing.

it is not only Christians that value the "family" above constant happiness.

[olger]

Two points.

There are just as many dominating women as there are men in America today. Both bad.

Men being physically stronger sometimes abuse that privilege - with the result being physical abuse. Bad.

There are several kinds of abuse - verbal, physical, sexual, emotional and spiritual. All are damaging and God provides all the power needed to come to complete freedom, if a couples humbles themselves and seeks truth. That is good news.

Go walk in freedom today,

`G

[Gregory Matthews]

Realistically there are some marriages that are doomed to failure. In the sin-blighted world in which we live, God is constrained from providing the final answer in this life.

God may not heal the spinal-cord patient who can not walk, in this life. God may not provide the psychological and social healing, in this life that is needed.

I am reminded of two people, one male and the other female, both confined to a wheelchair and neither able to care for themselves. Their marriage, which was legal and took place had major issues that God did not heal in this life.

NOTE: I am not saying that disabled people should not have the legal right to get married.

[phkrause]

Excellent points Gregory.

[olger]

I agree Greg, that some individuals get married with huge amounts of unresolved bitterness and rejection issues. In those cases it is a matter of time until they experience conflict and the relationship gets emotionally locked.

The good news is that if a couple is willing to be honest, open, and OWN their own problems - freedom is available. I have seen some pretty hard cases resolve their issues and find joy.

I am amazed how God can change a life.

I am amazed how sin binds and destroys people.

I am amazed how repentance and cleansing frees a person.

I am amazed how accurate the Bible is to provide answers for the things that we struggle with.

rejoice always,

[LifeHiscost]

The good news is that if a couple is willing to be honest, open, and OWN their own problems - freedom is available. I have seen some pretty hard cases resolve their issues and find joy.

I am amazed how God can change a life.

I am amazed how sin binds and destroys people.

I am amazed how repentance and cleansing frees a person.

I am amazed how accurate the Bible is to provide answers for the things that we struggle with.

rejoice always,

x2

God cares!

[LifeHiscost]

Quote:

People are scary.

Having lost some of my bravado after my close brush with death this past end of year holiday season in an auto accident,

in which I was the principal responsible party involved, I have come to accept that negligence can get a person in just as much trouble as outright hostility toward others.

Praise God we have a merciful high Priest Whose both willing and able to finish the work He has started in us, even if He must save us from unwittingly taking the lives of others.

"...He saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit." Titus 3:5 NLT

God cares!

[LifeHiscost]

Quote:

There are several kinds of abuse - verbal, physical, sexual, emotional and spiritual. All are damaging and God provides all the power needed to come to complete freedom, if a couples humbles themselves and seeks truth. That is good news.

Go walk in freedom today,

`G

God cares!

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

The good news is that if a couple is willing to be honest, open, and OWN their own problems - freedom is available.

while this sounds very nice, it's not reality in some cases... that's why it's important to seek counseling from professionals, not amateurs...

[CoAspen]

Professional also means leaving out their own bias.

[Gordon1]

I agree Greg, that some individuals get married with huge amounts of unresolved bitterness and rejection issues. In those cases it is a matter of time until they experience conflict and the relationship gets emotionally locked.

The good news is that if a couple is willing to be honest, open, and OWN their own problems - freedom is available. I have seen some pretty hard cases resolve their issues and find joy.

I am amazed how God can change a life.

I am amazed how sin binds and destroys people.

I am amazed how repentance and cleansing frees a person.

I am amazed how accurate the Bible is to provide answers for the things that we struggle with.

rejoice always,

Well said Gerry. God is amazing.

One might consider a professional if he/she was qualified.

(Qualified = born again, & rejoicing in Christ's victory over anger & bitterness)

[Gregory Matthews]

Marriage is a two way street. One person cannot resolve the problems of the other. Situations may exist where one is not enough and that person should not stay in a marriage that will not change.

[Gordon1]

I will return emails to a woman occasionally if they have questions, - always with Nancy's knowledge. This is simply to maintain the dignity and propriety of our marriage.

Hey Gerry,

Here's the irony - Many see your position as misogynist .. hateful, chauvinistic & disrespectful toward women.

Instead, your belief leads you to consider your wife and marriage most carefully. This is how we love our wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it. (Eph. 5:25) Keep them in the loop, stay close, reassure, be the house-band.

Those who are striving for women's equal rights to ordination are in fact undermining church, women, and marriage.

Will they be circumspect with others & keep their spouses apprised?

Or is this just old hat from EGW?

[cricket]

I believe Gerry to be someone who thinks highly of marriage (as he understands the Bible), who honors and loves his wife (as he interprets biblical instruction), and who leads his household in a godly manner (according to his interpretation of God's instructions). And for that, I think Gerry is an honorable man: someone who lives his life according to his interpretation of Biblical principles.

[olger]

Marriage is a two way street. One person cannot resolve the problems of the other.

[olger]

Quote:

People are scary.

Having lost some of my bravado after my close brush with death this past end of year holiday season in an auto accident,

in which I was the principal responsible party involved, I have come to accept that negligence can get a person in just as much trouble as outright hostility toward others.

Praise God we have a merciful high Priest Whose both willing and able to finish the work He has started in us, even if He must save us from unwittingly taking the lives of others.

"...He saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit." Titus 3:5 NLT

God cares!

I am glad God spared your life mein Bruder, and I appreciate the Bible verses that you bless us with.

[OzarkWoman]

Leave it to the professionals.

Well, there are pastors that have college and such in regards to counseling.

[OzarkWoman]

It is not appropriate for a man to counsel a woman alone,

Sorry, but that is pure BS. I can talk easier and more freely with a man than any woman.

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

Originally Posted By: Gregory Matthews

Marriage is a two way street. One person cannot resolve the problems of the other.

Well...yes.

One of the more frustrating things as a counselor is those situations where one spouse is willing to resolve issues and the other is not willing. That is a fairly common--and regrettable scenario.

Do I recommend divorce in that scenario? No. The Word of God tells us where to go in such situations (1 Peter 3:1; 1 Cor. 7:13-14). According to the Bible, one spouse can have a positive effect on another.

Quote:

Situations may exist where one is not enough and that person should not stay in a marriage that will not change.

First of all, you do not know that a person will not change in time, nor do I. Many have. What we are told to do in such situations is to live our lives in accordance with the aforementioned Scriptures and allow God to change our heart in a way that affects our spouse. Forgiveness ought to walk with us as believers. It ought to speak with us.

God never intended that our marriages would be frustrating. And He never promised us a trial-free life.

So, olger, where did you get your professional training? What recognized certifications do you have for counseling people?

[Gregory Matthews]

Quote:

Do I recommend divorce in that scenario? No. The Word of God tells us where to go in such situations (1 Peter 3:1; 1 Cor. 7:13-14). According to the Bible, one spouse can have a positive effect on another.

At the expense of personal safety?

[Lauralea]

Quote:

Do I recommend divorce in that scenario? No. The Word of God tells us where to go in such situations (1 Peter 3:1; 1 Cor. 7:13-14). According to the Bible, one spouse can have a positive effect on another.

At the expense of personal safety?

It says the believing spouse should remain "If they be pleased to dwell with you." Those in danger should separate because someone who is endangering you is not "pleased to dwell with you" even if at times they may want to be with you.

[Gregory Matthews]

Quote:

Sorry, but that is pure BS. I can talk easier and more freely with a man than any woman.

You have raised a valid point.

People are different. One cannot put people into a box.

Some people will need to talk to a male and some will to need to talk to a female.

People should be able to find the person who works best with them.