TOILET-SQUATTING EXERCISE CLASS

[SMAN]

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.

As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.

Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat."

And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg. And we'd go home.

That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely.

And you finally get closer.

You check for feet under the stall doors.

Every one is occupied.

Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.

You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance." Relief. More relief.

Then your thighs begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.

To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper.

The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on that's in your purse.

It would have to do.

You crumble it in the puffiest way possible.

It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat.

You get up quickly, but it's too late.

Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,

"You don't know what kind of diseases you could get."

And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of

the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points

out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on

your shoe as long as the Mississippi River!

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly,

"Here. You might need this."

At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.

"What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed.

This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

This is dedicated to all women everywhere

who have ever had to deal with a public toilet.

And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.

*Click the attachment at the top for free exercise training*

Author Unknown

[Amelia]

SMAN, you are a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad boy. LOL

[Gail]

Has anyone here ever caught anything from a toilet seat?

(Just curious)

[SMAN]

Gail; My wife is an Infection Control Nurse with the local public health department. She says that while there are germs and hygiene issues with public toilets the most likely items for people to catch would be lice or fleas; (neither of which are commonly found on toilets.) Your skin is a pretty effective barrier so unless you have a break in the skin of your posterior the simple act of sitting on a gross toilet is not likely to give you anything more than the heebie-jeebies. - so you are generally pretty safe.

(PS This story & picture came from my wife after it bounced around the health dept)

[Nan]

Even with all this, I guess the Chinese and other peoples from Asia have it right - they all squat, no seat involved - the problem for us who are not so trained may be more in the arising than in the unarising I fear <img src="/ubbtreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbtreads/images/graemlins/oops.gif" alt="" />

[Amelia]

My biggest fear would be falling over in mid squat. <img src="/ubbtreads/images/graemlins/icon_smile_sick.gif" alt="" />

[Gail]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">Quote:</font><hr />

Nan said:

Even with all this, I guess the Chinese and other peoples from Asia have it right - they all squat, no seat involved - the problem for us who are not so trained may be more in the arising than in the unarising I fear

<hr /></blockquote><font class="post">

So what happens when people get old and their bodies can't move as they once did? I mean, squatting could be difficult sometimes...

Is that why you see so many old people doing Tai Chi outside in the park? Are they trying to keep themselves nimble to prevent embarrassment and dependency?

[SMAN]

Following is a website for a New Zealand company that adapts western toilets to the asian concept (Doubt the Engineer ever submitted drawings to OSHA)

http://lillipad.co.nz

Can you imagine how an insurance claim for using this would read?

[Nan]

Gail, in all the travels we did in China, I did not find the answer to this question!! I suspect that it is an example of "Use it or lose it" and that continuing the action perpetuates the ability to do so. <img src="/ubbtreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[Amelia]

a quote from that site.

</font><blockquote><font class="small">Quote:</font><hr />

The unnatural sitting position has only become the norm in western societies over the last 160 years since the non ergonomic sit down toilet was invented.

<hr /></blockquote><font class="post">

This is certainly not true since all the castles I visited in europe had sit down privys. And they are far older than 160 yrs. <img src="/ubbtreads/images/graemlins/tongue1.gif" alt="" />

[SMAN]

Gail,

Your question about do aged asians manage to use the squat toilets raises a whole new question: how DO you design a handicapped squat toilet?

[Nan]

With a wheel chair ramp?? <img src="/ubbtreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />