Growing Each Day by Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski

[phkrause]

13 Kislev

"In whatever way a person chooses, therein is he led (Makkos 10b).

We tend to disown those thoughts, feelings, and actions that we dislike. Something we saw, read, or heard upset us, we like to think, and caused us to think, feel, or act in a certain way. We forget that we have considerable say in what we choose to see or hear.

Psychiatry and psychology have contributed to this abdication of responsibility. Their emphasis on the impact of early-life events on our emotions has been taken to mean that these factors determine our psyche, and that we are but helpless victims of our past.

We forget that if someone puts trash on our doorstep, we do not have to take it in; even if it was put into the house and filled it with an odor, we have the option to throw it out and clean up. Similarly, even if early-life experiences have an impact, the effects are not cast in stone; we can take steps to overcome them.

A man once complained to his rabbi that alien thoughts were interfering with his prayer and meditation. The rabbi shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know why you refer to them as alien," he said. "They are your own."

If we stop disowning feelings and actions, we may be able to do something about them.

Today I shall ...

... try to avoid exposing myself to those influences that are likely to stimulate feelings and behavior that I think are wrong.

[Guest]

Yep

[phkrause]

14 Kislev

And if not now, then when? (Ethics of the Fathers 1:14).

Hillel's famous statement is a bit enigmatic. The simple answer is, "Later." Why can't we take care of whatever it is some other time? Granted that procrastination is not a virtue, why does Hillel imply that if not now, then it will never be?

The Rabbi of Gur explained that if I do something later, it may indeed get done, but I will have missed the current "now." The present "now" has but a momentary existence, and whether used or not, it will never return. Later will be a different "now."

King Solomon dedicates seven famous verses of Ecclesiastes to his principle that everything has its specific time. His point comes across clearly: I can put off doing a good deed for someone until tomorrow, but will that deed, done exactly as I would have done it today, carry the same impact?

The wisdom that I learn at this moment belongs to this moment. The good deed that I do at this moment belongs to this moment. Of course I can do them later, but they will belong to the later moments. What I can do that belongs to this moment is only that which I do now.

Today I shall ...

... try to value each moment. I must realize that my mission is not only to get something done, but to get things done in their proper time, and the proper time may be now.

[phkrause]

15 Kislev

Enlighten our eyes in Your Torah (Siddur).

This prayer is not only for an understanding of Torah, but also that Torah may help us perceive the truth in everything.

The Torah tells the story of Hagar and Ishmael, who were stranded in the desert without water. Hagar abandoned her son and fled, saying that she could not bear to see him die of thirst. God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water (Genesis 21:19). God did not create a well where none had existed, but "opened her eyes" so that she could see an already-existing well, which she had not seen because of her state of panic.

Many opportunities may be right before our eyes, but if we become desperate and panicky, we may fail to see them, and the result may be a misfortune that could have been averted. Hagar almost lost Ishmael, not because there was no water, but because she could not see it. What was necessary was not a miracle, but just a correct perception of reality.

Torah teachings can provide guidance that can assist in avoiding distortions of reality.

Today I shall ...

... try to avoid panic and any other emotion that clouds my ability to see what is truly before me.

pk

[phkrause]

16 Kislev

A smooth mouth makes for a slippery course (Proverbs 26:28).

The ethical Torah writings such as the Book of Proverbs vehemently condemn flattering people to obtain their favor. When we do so, we may not care whether the object of our praise deserves it. Praising people who do not merit it has at least two harmful effects. First, it reinforces that person's behavior. Second, it delivers a dangerous message, particularly to young people who like to emulate recipients of honor.

We should instead rebuke wrongdoers, and if we cannot reprimand them, we can at least refrain from praising them.

The key is to avoid becoming dependent on those whom we do not respect. We should not seek any prestige they can offer, nor place our livelihood in their hands. Flattery may cause us to compromise ourselves, reinforce wrong behavior, and teach our children that we respect wrongdoing.

Furthermore, we gain nothing from our sycophancy. The Sages observed that those who flatter to obtain favors may end up disgraced (Avos De'R' Nosson 29:4).

Today I shall ...

... try to avoid giving false praise to those who do not deserve it. I will not allow ulterior motives to compromise my principles.

pk

[phkrause]

Kislev 17

From all those who have taught me I have gained wisdom (Psalms 119:99).

The Psalmist is telling us that he learned from everyone, that everyone was his teacher. From some, he learned what to do; from others, what not to do.

If we learn from others' mistakes, we need not make our own.

Just as we can learn from every person, we can learn from every event. Positive experiences are obvious sources of learning, because each positive act we do adds to our character and prepares us to better face the next challenge in life. Negative experiences can be valuable, too, but only if we are sufficiently alert to learn from them.

The list of lessons that we have learned the hard way may be long, but each one has taught us what not to do and thereby it becomes a positive experience. Indeed, the Talmud states that when people sincerely regret their mistakes and change themselves for the better, the wrongs that they did become actual merits (Yoma 86b). Only when we fail to learn from our mistakes and, rationalizing and justifying, obstinately insist that we were right, do our misdeeds remain deficits.

We have the capacity to make life itself a tremendous learning and growth experience.

Today I shall...

... try to look for lessons from everyone and everything, whether my teacher is positive or negative.

pk

[phkrause]

Kislev 18

In those days there was no king in Israel; each man did that which was proper in his own eyes (Judges 21:25).

At first glance, this verse appears to describe a chaotic state of affairs - anarchy itself - where in absence of a central authority everyone did as they pleased.

The Rabbi of Satmar said that this interpretation is incorrect. Everyone has common sense, which can reliably guide him to do right and avoid wrong. He derives his proof from the verse: Do that which is proper and good (Deuteronomy 6:18). How do we know what is proper and good if the Torah does not specify it? It must be that we have an innate common sense.

If so, why does the world seem so unjust? One reason might be that people do not act according to their own common sense, but rather according to what they think others might think of them. If people did what was good in their own eyes, we might have less injustice.

The driving force behind the lusts for power, fame, and wealth - which themselves lead to corrupt behavior - may not necessarily be what people want for themselves as much as their desire to impress others. If we stop behaving according to what we wish others to think, we might give our common sense a fighting chance.

Today I shall...

... try to stop impressing others. Instead, I will try to reason for myself what is right and wrong.

pk

[phkrause]

19 Kislev

In those days there was no king in Israel; each man did that which was proper in his own eyes (Judges 21:25).

While people have common sense which can lead them to do right and avoid wrong, they also face another obstacle (see yesterday) that could cause them to stray from the correct path - the drive for immediate gratification.

How powerful is this force? Imagine a car being driven along a highway, which is pulled off its course by a powerful magnet. The "magnet" affecting our behavior is the craving for gratification.

The force of seeking immediate gratification can mislead us. We may yield to it because its lure blinds our perception of justice. In reality, we have been bribed, and the Torah accurately states that a bribe will blind the eyes of even the wise (Deuteronomy 16:19). Thus, we only do what is proper when our "eyes" function well.

The Rabbi of Rhizin gave an antidote for the distorting forces of temptation. He stated that we should go through life the way tightrope walkers maintain their delicate balance: when they feel a tug on one side, they lean toward the opposite side. When we feel tempted to something, our first reaction should be to steer ourselves away from it. Only then can we apply our common sense and decide what to do.

Summing up, once we recognize and control our desire to impress others and our drive for immediate gratification, we will be able to exercise proper judgment.

Today I shall ...

... try to be on guard against temptations that may affect my sense of propriety and justice.

pk

[phkrause]

20 Kislev

Consider three things, and you will not approach sin. Know whence you came, whereto you are going, and before Whom you are destined to give an accounting (Ethics of the Fathers 3:1).

If we thought about our humble origin on the one hand, and the greatness we can achieve on the other, we would come to only one logical conclusion: the potential for such greatness could not possibly reside in the microscopic germ-cell from which we originated. This capacity for greatness can reside only in the neshamah (soul), the spirit which God instills within man.

What an extraordinary stretching of the imagination it must take to think that a single cell can develop into the grandeur which a human being can achieve! People have the power to contemplate and reflect upon infinity and eternity, concepts which are totally beyond the realm of the physical world. How could something purely finite even conceive of infinity?

Our humble origins are the greatest testimony to the presence of a Divine component within man. Once we realize this truth, we are unlikely to contaminate ourselves by behavior beneath our dignity. We have an innate resistance to ruining what we recognize to be precious and beautiful. We must realize that this is indeed what we are.

Today I shall ...

... try to make my behavior conform to that which I recognize to be the essence of my being: the spirit that gives me the potential for greatness.

pk

[phkrause]

Yeah dgrimm I liked that too.

pk

[phkrause]

21 Kislev

And God spoke to Moses face to face, just as a person would speak to a friend (Exodus 33:11).

Moses was the only prophet to whom God spoke directly, just as a person would converse with a friend. However, this uniqueness went only one way; every single human being has the ability to speak to God directly, "as a person would speak to a friend." Indeed, we should do so.

In this way, we can fully express our innermost feelings. True, we address God as the King of the Universe, which He is. We also plead with Him as a child does with a parent, which He is. But we certainly would never tell a king everything about ourselves, and we all have things which we would never want our parents to know. With a friend, however, we have fewer restrictions and less resistance. We can reveal everything to a friend, even things that we would be too embarrassed or otherwise reluctant to tell anyone else.

The Torah refers to God as "a friend" (e.g. Proverbs 27:10), because it wishes us to have this relationship with God, as well as that of subject to sovereign and child to father.

One might ask, "Since God knows our thoughts, why should we reveal them to Him verbally in prayer?" The answer is that by doing so, we reinforce our relationship to Him as a friend.

When you complete your formal prayers, add some of your own composition, and speak to God as a friend.

Today I shall ...

... try to enhance the quality of my prayer by revealing to God everything that is on my mind, just as I would with a trusted friend.

pk

[phkrause]

Amen dgrimm

pk

[phkrause]

22 Kislev

Hear, O Israel, Hashem is our God, Hashem the One and Only (Deuteronomy 6:4).

When reciting the declaration of the unity of God, we are required to commit ourselves to this belief, that in the event we were coerced to deny Him, we would surrender our lives rather than do so. This concept is called mesiras nefesh, and in addition to our belief in God, there are only two other instances where we are to choose martyrdom rather than transgression: murder and adultery.

While the thought of surrendering one's life is frightening, it has unfortunately characterized much of Jewish history. However, since the urge for survival is innate and most intense and generally overrides all other considerations, how can so many Jews have risen to the challenge of mesiras nefesh?

The answer is quite simple. Just think of what life would be like if nothing was worth dying for: no ideals, no principles, no loyalty, no sacredness, no ultimate value. Under duress, everything would go. Could thinking people who pride themselves in living on a plane of life higher than that of brute beasts see any value in this kind of life?

There are things that are dearer than life that give life its great value.

Today I shall ...

... try to appreciate the full value of life, and realize that there are absolute values that make life precious. pk

[phkrause]

23 Kislev

One should study Torah and do mitzvos even if not for their own sake, for doing so will eventually result in study and performance for their own sake (Pesachim 50b).

This Talmudic statement has given rise to questions by the commentaries. Why is the Talmud condoning study of Torah for ulterior motives? What happens to the emphasis on sincerity in observance of Torah and mitzvos?

Acting "as if" can be constructive. If a person who suffers from a headache goes on with his or her activities "as if" the headache did not exist, that headache is more likely to disappear than if he or she interrupts activities to nurse the headache. "Rewarding" the headache by taking a break only prolongs it.

Study of Torah and performance of mitzvos require effort, may be restrictive, and may interfere with other things one would rather do. Under such circumstances, there may not be great enthusiasm for Torah and mitzvos. However, if one nevertheless engages in Torah and mitzvos "as if" one really wanted to, the resistance is likely to dissipate. The reasoning is that since one is determined to do so anyway, there is no gain in being reluctant, and true enthusiasm may then develop. On other hand, if one were to delay engaging in Torah and mitzvos until one had the "true spirit," that spirit might never appear.

It is not only permissible but also desirable to develop constructive habits by doing things "as if" one really wanted to.

Today I shall ...

... try to practice good habits, and do those things that I know to be right even though I may not like doing them.

pk

[phkrause]

He [the God-fearing person] will not fear evil tidings, his heart being firm in his trust in God (Psalms 112:7).

Is a person supposed to take steps to provide for oneself, or should one rely completely on God to take care of everything?

If relying on God is taken to mean doing nothing for oneself, this is certainly not the Divine will. The Torah says that God will bless you in all that you do (Deuteronomy 15:18), which obviously means that God expects us to do for ourselves.

But one's trust in God is all important. Some people have the capacity to do things for themselves, but are unable to put their capabilities into action because of intense anxiety. For example, some students who know their material thoroughly report that their minds go blank when they take an exam. They may fail the course not because they lack the requisite knowledge, but because they panic and are unable to use the knowledge they have. A person who has firm faith and trusts in God is much less likely to become a victim of such paralyzing anxiety.

While there are such things as panic or anxiety attacks that are medical problems and require treatment, there is also a variety of anxiety that is due to feelings of insecurity and apprehension. This kind of anxiety is greatly mitigated by a firm trust in God.

Today I shall...

... try to develop a firm trust in God, that nothing terrible will happen to me, and then go on to use my God-given abilities.

pk

[phkrause]

Kislev 25

They established these eight days of Chanukah to give thanks and praise to Your great Name(Siddur).

Jewish history is replete with miracles that transcend the miracle of the Menorah. Why is the latter so prominently celebrated while the others are relegated to relative obscurity?

Perhaps the reason is that most other miracles were Divinely initiated; i.e. God intervened to suspend the laws of nature in order to save His people from calamity.

The miracle of the Menorah was something different. Having defeated the Seleucid Greek invaders, the triumphant Jews entered the Sanctuary. There they found that they could light the Menorah for only one day, due to a lack of undefiled oil. Further, they had no chance of replenishing the supply for eight days. They did light the Menorah anyway, reasoning that it was best to do what was within their ability to do and to postpone worrying about the next day until such worry was appropriate. This decision elicited a Divine response and the Menorah stayed lit for that day and for seven more.

This miracle was thus initiated by the Jews themselves, and the incident was set down as a teaching for all future generations: concentrate your efforts on what you can do, and do it! Leave the rest to God.

While even our best and most sincere efforts do not necessarily bring about miracles, the teaching is nevertheless valid. Even the likelihood of failure in the future should not discourage us from any constructive action that we can take now.

Today I shall...

... focus my attention on what it is that I can do now, and do it to the best of my ability.

pk

[phkrause]

26 Kislev

Although the acceptable amount [of water for ritual washing ofthe hands before meals] is a fourth of a log, one should use abundant water in washing (Orach Chaim 158:10).

The Talmud states that Rabbi Chisda attributed his good fortune to his practice of using abundant water in the ritual washing.

Rabbi Yisroel of Salant was at an inn, and when he washed his hands for the meal, he was careful to use the minimum amount of water required. When his students wondered why he did not follow the recommendations of the Shulchan Aruch (Code of Law), Rabbi Yisroel replied, "Perhaps you did not notice that a servant fetched the water from a well. If I used water lavishly, it would be at her expense."

Many times the Shulchan Aruch states the letter of the law, then add that it is commendable to go beyond it in stricter observance. However, such extra observance is only done for oneself. For instance, when rabbis are asked about the permissibility of any given practice, they must render their decision according to the letter of the law, but may add that stricter observance is commendable but not mandatory. Rabbis are not permitted to require from others more than the law dictates, even if their personal standards of observance are more demanding.

Today I shall ...

... try to increase my expectations of myself, but not at the expense of others.

[phkrause]

27 Kislev

All my days I grew up among the wise, and I have not found what is good for the body other than silence (Ethics of the Fathers1:17).

In his famous instructions on the "golden mean of virtue," Maimonides states that a person should avoid either extreme of any character trait.

If we were to place unbridled talk at one extreme and total silence at the other, the mean of virtue would not be at the midpoint between the two, but much closer to silence. While sometimes we refrain from saying something we should have said, more often do we say something we should not have said.

We can choose one of two paths of conversation: We either keep quiet unless we are certain that we should speak, or we assume that we should speak unless we are certain that we should hold our peace. Since the mean of virtue is closer to silence, the first option is preferable.

People who were forbidden to talk for medical reasons and therefore had to communicate by writing have told me that they realized how much of an average person's conversation is non-essential. Unfortunately, non-essential talk is likely to contain much that is not simply "neutral," but actually destructive, such as lies, gossip, insults,and boasting.

Today I shall ...

... try to measure my words very carefully. If there is no real need for saying something, I should reflect on why I wish to say it.

pk

[phkrause]

28 Kislev

The mitzvah of kindling the Chanukah lights begins with sunset (Shabbos 21b).

Chanukah commemorates both physical and spiritual triumphs. Israel had been politically, that is physically, under the domination of the Greek-Syrians, and the Hellenist culture was jeopardizing the spirituality of Judaism. The miracle of Chanukah, which occurred at one of the darkest moments in Jewish history, should remind us that no matter how bleak life may appear, whether in a physical or spiritual sense, we should never abandon hope. Hence, we commemorate Chanukah in the evening, when it is just beginning to get dark.

We might ask, "Why light the candles at dusk? Why not wait until it is completely dark, when the candles will shine their brightest and banish the total darkness?"

In my work with alcoholics, I often hear that "one does not recover until one hits rock bottom." However, the changes that may occur on the way to rock bottom are often so irreversible and catastrophic that rehabilitation programs put in much effort and ingenuity to intervene at an earlier stage.

We light the Chanukah candles when the sky is just beginning to get dark, instead of waiting for complete darkness. Our action teaches us when we should combat moral and spiritual deterioration - at the very first indication that it is occurring. Delaying action until the latter has occurred may be too costly.

Today I shall ...

... try to identify the very earliest signs of weakening and make an effort to avoid deterioration.

pk

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

Didn't Chanukah start this year last Friday evening and ends this Sabbath?

[phkrause]

Yes rudywoofs, Technically yes, but it starts at sundown which means it starts on sabbath.

pk

[phkrause]

Kislev 29

If the Chanukah lights were extinguished because they were lit in a place where a wind could be expected, one is obliged to relight them (Mishnah Berurah 673:25).

Although we are not obligated to relight the Chanukah candles if they are accidentally extinguished, this rule does not apply if the condition could have been foreseen.

In civil law, a person may be held liable for failure to take proper precautions that would prevent a mishap. This concept also holds for spiritual and moral issues as well. While parents may not be able to control the behavior of their children and cannot be held responsible for whatever decisions the children make in their lives, they can and must provide their children with the education and guidance that will enable them to choose wisely and properly.

Many parents who failed to provide their children with a sound Torah education have expressed deep regret for this omission when their children intermarried. Although they may not have been observant, they nevertheless wished their grandchildren to have a Jewish identity, and they realized too late that the most effective way to discourage intermarriage is to practice the mitzvos. We have had many variations of, "If we had to do it over again, we would observe kosher, if not because of our own convictions, then to maintain our children within the Jewish fold."

We cannot cut down on intermarriage by hoping that our children will not wish to disappoint us, but by creating a life-style for ourselves and for our children that makes intermarriage inconceivable. If we are lax in foresight, we cannot shirk the responsibility for the consequences.

Today I shall...

... try to consider the long-term consequences of my behavior, and try to foresee the problems that may occur if I simply do what is most convenient for me now.

pk

[phkrause]

30 Kislev

One should add an additional light each night (of Chanukah) (Orach Chaim 671:2).

Although frequently translated as "dedication," Chanukah also means "renewal." The way that we celebrate Chanukah teaches us that renewal requires something more than returning to a former state, even if that state itself had been satisfactory. Renewal requires advancing beyond the previous state.

I once heard a recovered alcoholic, twenty years sober, say, "The man that I was drank, and the man that I was will drink again." If people who emerge from a deteriorated state go back to the state prior to the deterioration, nothing has been accomplished, because history will repeat itself. To avoid the deterioration from recurring, they must change themselves into new beings.

To achieve a renewal, we must progress. Adding a Chanukah candle every night symbolizes this concept in a spiritual way.

Remaining at a plateau is hardly desirable for anyone, but it is utterly unacceptable for people who seek renewal. For them, progress is not only essential for growth, but for survival.

Today I shall ...

... try to add to my life by intensifying and increasing those practices that are conducive to growth.

pk

[phkrause]

Tevet 1

Pinchas arose and wrought judgment, and so the plague was checked (Psalms 106:30).

The word tefillah, or "prayer," has its origin in the word pallel, which means "to seek justice." Prayer should therefore be an activity whereby one seeks justice. The first recorded prayer in Jewish history is that of the Patriarch Abraham. He sought justice for the people of Sodom and pleaded with God to spare them (Genesis 18:23-33). Thus, when we pray, whether for ourselves or for others, it should be with the understanding that we are seeking justice.

How, then, can we ask of God to grant our various requests? Are we deserving of this? Do we deserve them? Are they within the realm of justice?

Two answers come to mind. If, as part of our prayers, we admit the wrongs we have done, sincerely regret them, and commit ourselves not to repeat them, then we may indeed be deserving. We therefore do not make our requests on the basis of what we are, but on the basis of what we will be. Second, if we extend ourselves by forgiving people who have offended us and acting with kindness toward them, then God's acting accordingly toward us can in itself be considered justice.

Thus, teshuvah (the process of regret and return) and gemilas chasadim (acts of kindness) are the foundations of prayer.

Today I shall...

... try to do teshuvah, and to act toward others in a way that I wish God to act toward me.

pk

[phkrause]

Tevet 2

I am going in the way of all the land (all mankind), and you shall strengthen yourself and be a man (I Kings 2:2).

These were the last words of King David to his son and successor, Solomon. David is essentially saying, "I am no longer able to struggle. My strength is failing, and I must now go in the way of all humans. But you are young and vigorous. You must be strong and be a man." Implied in this message is that Solomon was to be strong enough not to go in the way of all men, but to be his own man.

Being a non-conformist is not virtuous in itself. Behaving in a manner similar to others in our environment is not wrong, as long as we know that our behavior is right and proper. In this case, we are acting according to our conscience. What is wrong is when we abdicate our right to think, judge, and decide for ourselves. It is easy for us to allow ourselves to be dragged along by the opinions and decisions of others, and thereby fail to act according to our conscience.

The expression "I am going in the way of all mankind" does more than euphemize death; it actually defines spiritual death. It states that true life exists only when we actively determine our behavior. A totally passive existence, in which the body is active but the mind is not, may be considered life in a physical sense, but in a spiritual sense it is closer to death.

No wonder the Talmud states that "wrongdoers are considered dead even during their lifetime" (Berachos 18b). Failure to exercise our spiritual capacities and instead relegating the mind to a state of passivity, allowing our physical and social impulses to dominate our lives, is in reality death.

Today I shall...

... try to engage my mind to reflect on what I do, and think things through for myself rather than submitting to a herd mentality.

pk