A lot of emotions

[Kevin H]

These past few days have been very mixed emotionally. I have a cousin who 19 months ago went to the hospital and was discovered with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.  These past 2 months I've been staying at his home and his son on my work nights. He is a lot closer to my job than I am so I could save gas and wear and tear on the car. And I'd be able to be with him when he slipped into cancer.

When I first started staying he was independent. Daily on the computer, cleaned himself, would drive if need be. Sometimes it would take a moment for him to either understand what you were saying and had to give him a minute to process, or a moment to formulate his own thoughts but otherwise you would not see him as sick. But we knew that illness was coming and I was expecting a slow down hill journey. On my days off I'd go home and back there after work.

I was away for a week. When I got back I noticed that he seemed a little more frail and sleeping more and thought he was heading down hill, but the following few weeks he kept bouncing between the two. I noticed that it went with the weather outside. On warm days he was strong and awake and alert, when cold he was weaker and more drowsy and a bit harder to think and form words.  But he was still very independent.

Then came Thanksgiving day. I got up and said to him "Happy thanksgiving" You could see him thinking and trying to process what I said. He finally asked me to repeat it so again I said "Happy thanksgiving!" Again he thought then he replied "I perceive that today must be thanksgiving and you are trying to wish me a happy thanksgiving. I wish you just simply said 'Happy Thanksgiving' and stop there. All those other words made it sound like either you did something wrong and wanted to apologize to me or I did something wrong and you want me to apologize to you." Then he got up to use the bathroom. But I caught him before he fell and his son and I had to keep catching him to and from the bathroom. He was weak and confused. So much for a slow gradual downhill slide.

A few weeks before he had signed up for hospice care and they kicked right in. They did an excellent job of training his son in how to care for him and his x-wife also came to help. I took off a few days from work and the 3 of us cared for him. There was something alert in him yet something confused in him. My mom and sister and another cousin visited a few times and he clearly knew that they were there. He would smile and hold their hands and after they left he could answer "Yes" when asked if he could remember that they came. We took turns watching him at night. I had checked him at 1:40 AM on Wednesday December 2. At 3:00 AM his x-wife checked on him and went back to sleep. She woke up again a little after 5:00 and woke up his son and me and let us know that he had stopped breathing. We were sleeping around him so he would not be alone. We then notified Hospice who again was fantastic.

Now I had one cousin who died shortly after birth but I was too young to remember. Other wise there were 17 of us cousins. This is the first of us 17 to die. Even though I was there and saw him I still cannot believe that he is gone. There was no slow road down. One day he was independent and then the next morning confused and weak and 6 days later dead.

I know this is not a happy milestone but it is one.

 

[Kevin H]

Now with this sadness, today something happened that also brings great joy.

In 1982 I worked in Israel with the Jerusalem Passion Play and Nativity Play of Bethlehem. In the Nativity play there were 4 girls who became super close friends. Two cousins, Gehan and Mai. And two girls who the older sister of the one was married to the brother of the other. We became like brother and sisters. Now the one girl was only 14 but you could tell that she was going to grow up to be a beauty.

Anyway I also befriended 2 Israeli girls from the neighborhood where we were living. One I was starting to go out with. Then due to the drop in tourism because of the Lebanon war the play closed and I had to say good bye to my friends. Then in the spring when we were to return for the next season tourism was still down so the company went out of business. I had to write my friends letters saying I was not coming back and good bye.

The next fall I went to Andrews, and on the bulletin board was a poster for a class in Biblical Geography being taught in Israel. It would be 14 months after I had left. I was able to take the class. Sadly the one girl who I was starting to go out with was 2 months into a new relationship. But it was fun to see two of the 4 girls from Bethlehem, and when I saw that second Israeli girl from the neighborhood told me that she wanted to be more than friends. So we considered ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, but with in a few weeks the class was over and I was back at Andrews and the following October she met someone new. But we have still always stayed the best of friends. And I was also the best of friends of 2 of the 4 girls from Bethlehem.

After Andrews I joined the Army. In army training in NJ and at church I met a girl who we went out once or twice then I went to my permanent duty station on the other side of the country. That lady would call me, write me, make food and send to me and her brother lived an hour away from the base so she decided to move out there. As her brother and his friends helped her move she became interested in one of her brother's friends. Instead of telling me she called my first sergeant to tell me. I did not know her that well so was much more embarrassed than hurt. Went to the mail room and there were two letters. One from my "girlfriend" from my second trip to Israel, and one from my Bethlehem friend who had grown from a 14 year old who you knew would be a beauty she grew into being an 19 year old beauty. I wrote both girls telling them what happened and thanking them for the perfect timing of their letters. The 19 year old wrote back "I'm sorry for what that lady did to you, but don't forget, she's a stranger and doesn't know you. But you have been my best friend for 5 years, come on over to Bethlehem and let's see what can happen with us!"

Well, I went and had a wonderful time seeing my friends over there again. While it was good to be with her she was more casual friendly and she and her brother-in-law were not doing the arranging that I thought was going to happen. Her sister-in-law, one of the 4 friends from the play had married a couple years before and had a child was taking time talking about how she met her husband. He worked in the bank and she caught his eye so he arranged with her family to marry her, so they formally met and married. And she reminded me that is how her culture was and that I needed to know about that. If she did not really like the guy she could get out of it, otherwise no. But she was glad that she had gotten a kind man for her husband.   Then it was explained to me that the father of the other girl did not know about me and the plans that we were making and one week before I got there her dad came home with a surprise for her, and arranged marriage to a distant cousin. When he was told about me he apologized, but he had made the arrangements and it was with in the family and was too embarrassing to cancel.

After I got back to the USA she wrote me one last letter apologizing for how it turned out, but she was glad it was not like her sister-in-law who married a stranger, this was someone she grew up with.

Now I had stayed in contact with this family through her sister's husband and we stayed friends for years through him.

In 2001 when I moved from California to NY in my unpacking I could not find their address. Thus I lost some of my dearest friends.  One Christmas, about 9 or 10 years ago I was watching CNN. They were talking about Bethlehem's poor economy and they had a guest a girl with the same name as my friend who looked like her, but they gave an age that was a few years different from what her's should be. I tried to get a copy but CNN did not save it to sell.

Wednesday night after leaving my late cousin's I stopped at the mall. There was a man selling olive wood carvings from Bethlehem. I asked if he knew these families. He knew one of them and told me I can find him on Facebook. I had looked for them a few years ago but did not find them.

Well I looked and found a name that was similar (turns out it was his daughter). And looking at her friends I looked at one of their friends and found a girl who looked like my long lost friend. I wrote asking if it was her, and today got confirmation that it is! She is currently in San Francisco. She is looking for churches to buy and sell olive wood carving from Bethlehem hoping to help their economy. It was her who I saw on CNN she said she had to give the wrong age and some other misinformation to keep terrorists from wanting to do something. And she has also been on 60 minutes talking about the issues in Bethlehem. She is a strong Christian wanting to follow her Lord by helping the poor.  We talked to each other on the phone.

On the one hand I am in strong pain with loosing my cousin. On the other hand my heart is full of gratitude with being reunited with these special friends. It is like loosing family and gaining family. A mixture of the sadness of hell and joy of heaven both with in a few hours.

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

Oh Kevin..  I just now saw this thread.  I'm so sorry about your cousin's death.  It *is* hard, especially when the first of your generation dies.  I know... it happened to my cousin a couple years ago.

It was good that you could stay and help during his bout with pancreatic ca.  I'm sure he and his son were so happy you were there.  It always helps to have someone, especially someone who is "family," to lean on.

And am so glad you found your long lost friends on FB!!  What a treat!  And you're right...sort of a counterbalance to the loss of your cousin...

[Jessie-Jess]

Just reading this thread now. Beautifully written. Do you have hope of seeing your cousin when Christ returns? If so, then there is no real loss, and God can ease your pain. It appears that reuniting you with long lost friends is one method He is using. It looks like He is comforting you already. Praise God. God is good. 

 

"Blessed [are] they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4, KJV)

[Gail]

I just noticed this, too. I am so sorry for your loss! Am glad, though, that you have some good coming from another direction.

((( Kevin )))

[Liz]

(((Kevin))) I too, just read this and got caught up. So sorry for your loss, and also happy for your reunion.

[LifeHiscost]

Here is hoping your cousin died in Christ. We have some beautiful promises to bouy us up.

55 O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?....1 Corinthians 15

15 For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.

17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.....1 Thessalonians 4

 

God is Love!~Jesus saves!