perks Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 Hi..so I'm new here and I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask but I hope I can get some answers to this problem. I've been dating this guy for more than a year, but we've been friends for around 3 years now. I like him because he's kind and sweet, doesn't smoke/drink, and all that. What bothers me is that I'm an Adventist (even though I'm not that strong with my faith yet but I do want to have more faith), and he's Catholic. His family is great and he understands me more than my family does (broken family) so I always have to vent to him and he'd always listen. He never complains or gets mad at me. It's mostly me hurting him which I feel bad for that. Personally I know that it's hard to be in a relationship with someone with a different religion, but I also have this thought where God can help him change. I mean everyone is a sinner and obviously not only SDAs are going to heaven (that would be unfair) and God will judge us by what we do so yea. His personality even reflects more of of Christ's character than mine does. I tried to read the Bible with him before but then it just stopped because I wasn't that consistent, and I really don't like the fact that I'm that way. We needed to someone to guide us. What's worse is that we're living almost 9000 miles apart but we skype pretty much everyday. He tells me he has doubts about God, so kinda skeptical. I totally understand that because we're all different and God works through us in different ways. But sometimes when he disagrees with something I tell him (just because he doesn't know and he's not that interested in the Bible because - skeptical), I get annoyed, which of course is bad. I'm acting like I'm all perfect when I'm not. I forgot I had to show him what SDAs are like. He is very, very open to it since he's still not sure about Catholics either but it's just the family influence I can't stand the fact that if we get married, I'd be going to church alone (even though he said he's willing to learn), and he'd be going on Sunday alone. What is a family if we're just going to eat things differently and do our own thing. We're not planning to have kids. But I really want to know if it's best to pray about him coming to really believe in God and stop judging him? It's really hard thinking about the possibilities that might happen if he doesn't actually want to go to church with me (after getting to study the Bible) and we'd be doing our own thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rudywoofs (Pam) Posted December 28, 2015 Members Share Posted December 28, 2015 How do you "date" when you are 9000 miles apart? Have you met and spent time with each other in person? Nan and perks 2 Quote Pam Meddle Not In the Affairs of Dragons; for You Are Crunchy and Taste Good with Ketchup. If we all sang the same note in the choir, there'd never be any harmony. Funny, isn't it, how we accept Grace for ourselves and demand justice for others? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators Gail Posted December 28, 2015 Administrators Share Posted December 28, 2015 Hi, Perks I like your avatar While you have so much uncertainty there is nothing wrong with giving it some time. And there is nothing wrong with being really good friends. I hope that this gives you breathing space. I wish you the best! perks and Nan 2 Quote Isaiah 32:17 And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Nan Posted December 28, 2015 Moderators Share Posted December 28, 2015 Some wise words there Perks from Gail and Pam....it is hard not to want to make long term plans but you are being wise in considering the possible problems of a future with someone who does not share your belief system. Do you go out much with friends....not necessarily male ...in your home town? It would be a shame if skyping this guy, however nice, was your main social outlet. I tried a long distance relationship some years ago, before my husband and I met, and there is a lot you can only get to know about someone by meeting in the flesh. I am unsure from your post whether you have actually met in person. If you can take advice from someone rather older than you...enjoy the friendship but do not make long term commitments until you have known each other in real time and space for a while. perks and rudywoofs (Pam) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeHiscost Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 5 hours ago, Nan said: Some wise words there Perks from Gail and Pam....it is hard not to want to make long term plans but you are being wise in considering the possible problems of a future with someone who does not share your belief system. Do you go out much with friends....not necessarily male ...in your home town? It would be a shame if skyping this guy, however nice, was your main social outlet. I tried a long distance relationship some years ago, before my husband and I met, and there is a lot you can only get to know about someone by meeting in the flesh. I am unsure from your post whether you have actually met in person. If you can take advice from someone rather older than you...enjoy the friendship but do not make long term commitments until you have known each other in real time and space for a while. It wasn't until coming to the conclusion that only God could make the decision that would last happily through eternity. How did that work? We courted 6 weeks, starting with following His advice. So far 36 years and still happy together, despite some undesirable health issues. P.S. We don't advocate short courtships but if you spend a lot of time with Jesus, He might even suggest the same for some. OTIOH; take this from the apostle Paul, …8But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. 9But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 10But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband….1 Corinthians 7 14Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?…2 Corinthians 6 God is Love!~Jesus saves! perks 1 Quote Lift Jesus up!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Nan Posted December 29, 2015 Moderators Share Posted December 29, 2015 I think anyone with a strong commitment to Sabbath keeping is going to find life with a non Sabbathkeeper difficult. The other partner may have a wonderful Christian experience and be a wonderful, compatible, person....but there will always be something important not being shared. Of course each individual has the choice about where to leave their heart. And my husband and I met via online dating as well....but that was more an introduction, we were able to meet in person just a few weeks later. perks 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perks Posted December 29, 2015 Author Share Posted December 29, 2015 Hello rudywoofs, we both were good friends and then we talked on Skype and then now we Skype every day. We talk and send parcels to each other and show photos of places we go to or what we do. It was only emailing for a year and 9 months as friends then it's like this is it, he understands. I'm planning to fly to him on December 2016, but I still have concerns about our relationship which we had just argued. :/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perks Posted December 29, 2015 Author Share Posted December 29, 2015 Thank you Gail for the advice and compliment! I drew it for fun Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perks Posted December 29, 2015 Author Share Posted December 29, 2015 Hello Nan, thank you for responding! I do hang out with guy friends who I really consider as friends. I'm usually scared of guys if I don't know them. I find it creepy when guys suddenly like me without knowing me personally. I prefer that we get to know each other and that he likes me for what I am, not how I look because that's how most relationships end when they find out your flaws and can't accept it. I know long distance sucks and we both really try hard to work it out. I will be visiting him in December 2016 where he'll help me with the passport, visa, and everything. I told him I could wait until I graduate and get a job, but he wanted to meet me sooner so I am okay with but only on the condition that he use his own money, not his parents' since he's still in law school and living with his parents. And trust me I've heard advices from my mom, aunt, sisters, and a lot of religious friends/people. It's not that I don't want to follow them. I know they're worried about me as well. I just wanted to see if it will actually work out. I want to have that faith that's enough to let him change. I'm really scared I'll end up like some people in my family because of they had the same idea. I know faith can change people but the only problem is that, do we have it as much as a mustard seed. :/ I do take relationships seriously that's why I don't just date any guys. Most of them are not very nice around here which makes me careful. And yes I do agree that there will always be something important not being shared if we get married which makes me sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perks Posted December 29, 2015 Author Share Posted December 29, 2015 Hello The Wanderer, I do agree that people can change in any religion. I know people who are SDAs that have done wrong and I know we're not perfect but yes that's the case that happens. Some say it is better to be with someone with the same faith because they were raised that way so they know what's right/wrong and their temptations might not be as hard for example, a person who drinks and was taught it's okay, but then quits later because he finds out that it's not good, would find it very hard to not go back to doing the same things. But if a person who was raised that we should never try or be involved in such things, then they will just go with how they're being raised and since they also don't know how good/bad it tastes etc. That's what I think though. I find it hard to not go back to do something I used to do. I'm also in the situation where a lot of religious guys here are so judgmental because they think they know everything it makes me sad and I don't like how they are. I often thought religion was supposed to unite us but yup I don't blame it on God. It's just us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Gregory Matthews Posted December 29, 2015 Moderators Share Posted December 29, 2015 Never marry someone on that assumption that they will either change, or that you can change them. That is not a good basis for a marriage. Stan, perks and Outta Here 3 Quote Gregory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Gregory Matthews Posted December 29, 2015 Moderators Share Posted December 29, 2015 9,000 miles apart: That suggests to me that there may be cultural differences in your backgrounds. Yes, there may not be and yes, those can be overcome. However, it does suggest a potential major difference that may need to be worked Another issue: Where would you live? Who would move to be with the other? You tell us that he is in law school. O.K. So he graduates and becomes an attorney. He can practice law in his own country but probably not in the United States. That just about means that you would need to move to his country. So, that places you 9,000 miles away from your family, friends and everyone that you know. Outta Here and perks 2 Quote Gregory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perks Posted December 29, 2015 Author Share Posted December 29, 2015 6 minutes ago, Gregory Matthews said: 9,000 miles apart: That suggests to me that there may be cultural differences in your backgrounds. Yes, there may not be and yes, those can be overcome. However, it does suggest a potential major difference that may need to be worked Another issue: Where would you live? Who would move to be with the other? You tell us that he is in law school. O.K. So he graduates and becomes an attorney. He can practice law in his own country but probably not in the United States. That just about means that you would need to move to his country. So, that places you 9,000 miles away from your family, friends and everyone that you know. Hello Mr. Matthews, thank you for your advice. We're totally fine with each other's cultures. I'm from Asia but have been in an international school since I was young so I'm pretty much okay with him and he's in the USA. If we actually plan on marrying, I'll be the one moving since that is what he prefers and I'm fine either way. He's doing corporate law. My family is not really a family so that's why I was in boarding school almost my whole life. I don't like going home anymore because that's not where I'm happy. I don't know if it's considered planning to change him, but I really want us to study the Bible together and find out the truth. I guess I just want that feeling where we can go to church together and are happy about it. I just want it because it will be good for him too, but I don't know if that's considered selfish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outta Here Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 Why couldn't you go to church on Saturdays and Sundays? Togetherness means being together, not apart. perks and rudywoofs (Pam) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Gregory Matthews Posted December 29, 2015 Moderators Share Posted December 29, 2015 Cultural differences: O.K. May not be a major difference. Living in the U.S: O.K. May not be a major difference. Changing him: I am still concerned about this as well as the religious differences that potentially exist. If you would like for him to attend church with you on Saturday, you should be willing to attend with him on Sunday, if he does attend church. perks 1 Quote Gregory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perks Posted December 29, 2015 Author Share Posted December 29, 2015 Thanks Aubrey and Mr. Matthews! I will try to think and pray about it too Outta Here and phkrause 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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