Mom over Anguished GAY Children

[GayatfootofCross]

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/freedhearts/2015/05/25/i-am-the-mother-of-a-gay-son-and-ive-taken-enough-from-you-good-people/

The Dangers of Life in a Male-Dominated System »

“I am the mother of a gay son and I’ve taken enough from you good people.”

May 25, 2015 by Susan Cottrell 576 Comments

 

If you are the parent of an LGBTQ child, and would like to be part of our private secret Facebook support group, please just CLICK HERE and let us know.

In 2000, Sharon Underwood, the Mom of a gay son, wrote this heartfelt, powerful letter to the editor of a local Vermont newspaper. She is responding to self-proclaimed moral people who for years caused her young gay son so much pain.

We are in the middle of a crisis with LGBTQ youth. Abused, attacked, bullied, shamed, kicked out of homes and churches, they end up on the street and turn to substance abuse, gangs, forced prostitution and sometimes suicide.

Fifteen years later, tragic deaths later, this letter tells the story of thousands of innocent LGBTQ youth trapped in communities where they aren’t welcome.

 

Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I’ve taken enough from you good people.

I’m tired of your foolish rhetoric about the “homosexual agenda” and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.

My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.

He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called “fag” incessantly, starting when he was 6.

In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn’t bear to continue living any longer, that he didn’t want to be gay and that he couldn’t face a life without dignity.

You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don’t know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn’t put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it’s about time you started doing that.

At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won’t get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don’t know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

If you want to tout your own morality, you’d best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I’m puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that’s not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?

A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I’ll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for “true Vermonters.”

You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn’t give their lives so that the “homosexual agenda” could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.

He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn’t the measure of the man.

You religious folk just can’t bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.

How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage.

You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.

The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about “those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing” asks: “What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?”

Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that?

 

The Dangers of Life in a Male-Dominated System »

 

About Susan Cottrell

Susan Cottrell is a national speaker, teacher, and counselor with years of Biblical study and discipleship experience. Her books include: "Mom, I'm Gay" - Loving Your LGBTQ Child Without Sacrificing Your Faith, and True Colors - Celebrating the Truth and Beauty of the Real You. Through her nonprofit organization - FreedHearts.org - Susan champions the LGBTQ community and families with her characteristic tender-heartedness, and she zealously challenges Christians who reject them with her wise insistence that "loving God and loving others" are the foundation of the rest of the scripture, just as Jesus said. She is the Vice President of PFLAG Austin, and her books have been endorsed by The Human Rights Campaign, PFLAG, The Gay Christian Network and others. She and her husband have been married nearly 30 years and have five children - two of whom are in the LGBTQ community. She lives in Austin, Tex

 

For information on Susan’s book for parents: “Mom, I’m Gay” – Loving Your LGBTQ Child Without Sacrificing Your Faith, just CLICK HERE. 

For information on Susan’s book for LGBTQ: True Colors – Celebrating the Truth and Beauty of the Real You, helping LGBTQ heal from parent, family, religious and community wounds, just CLICK HERE.

[Femster]

someon, finally, telling it like it is.

 

God put us ALL on this earth. as imperfect as we are.

were are people using and learning Christ's second commandment- Love One another as I have loved you.

Westboro Church is one example of hate, pure hate. one day are they going to learn they arent following God at all.

[JoeMo]

I agree 100% with the letter.  God loves all of us.  Why?  Because all of us need love!  We get enough judgment and condemnation from our fellow humans.  Most people love or hate us based on the "merit" we have earned with them.  God on the other hand loves us all unconditionally.  He desires us to come to Him as we are - not as we should be.  I believe He is willing and able to "fix" anything that is wrong with any of us in exchange for our faith and trust.  God wants a family.  We have to be in that family before God instills the family values in us (i.e., writes the law on our hearts).

 All of us have one or more issues; it's just that some are more socially acceptable than others.  Who am I to say who is twisted and who is not.  Judgment is in God's realm; not ours.  Our job is to show God's love and kindness to all who are willing to receive it.

[GayatfootofCross]

19 hours ago, JoeMo said:

On 2/4/2016 at 3:02 AM, Femster said:

 

 

amen!

 

here is a 3 and a half a minute video of a Son's Story about his Father of another era

 

 

[JoeMo]

Very cool story.  I hope I would have handled that situation as well as that dad did.

[phkrause]

I thought it was interesting! Not sure I agree with a everything that's trying to be said!!

[GayatfootofCross]

http://www.sdakinship.org/news-blog/entry/296-an-open-letter-to-any-parent-of-an-lgbtiaq-child.html

An Open Letter to Any Parent of an LGBTIAQ+ Child

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Friday, 11 March 2016

Kinship Communications

News Updates

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An Open Letter to Any Parent of an LGBTIAQ+ Child

From: Kris and Debbie Widmer.

Recently and ongoingly (Kris is a poet and wordsmith so occasionally he forges odd words), transgender people have been in the news. The world and national news and the internal news that Adventists hear through their social media and other communication channels.

Transgender people have been in our personal news lately as well.

We have been asked to share our experience as parents of an MTF transgender daughter. We have known about this reality in our lives for the past four years.

In this open letter, we write a listing of a few of our decisions and learnings. Perhaps they will be helpful to others who also walk the path of parenthood with an LGBT child of any age.

We decided:

1. We decided to listen. When our son came out to us, he asked us to listen to a 10-page letter he wrote and read to us sobbing. We listened then held her close.
2. We decided to grieve. The fact is we had “lost” a son. We didn’t announce it in church and there was no funeral—but our son had “died.” Accepting this loss prepared the way for our acceptance of the new reality…so we could accept the daughter he told us she was.
3. We decided we had been placed in a “second closet” when she came out. At first, we didn’t talk about “it.” To complicate matters, we are a pastoral family.  Who should we talk to? How would we answer the question, “How is your son?” Closets are protective…but they are dark and unhealthy places to live.   So, we decided to open the door to our closet…swallow hard…and talk about “it” appropriately to others.
4. We decided to educate ourselves through reading. We searched the internet for information. We read books. We read other people’s testimonies. We adopted an open mind on the topic and read to learn…not to confirm preconceived opinions or longstanding traditions.
5. We decided we are still a family. We decided God was calling us to live out the deepest depth of parental love. “Can a mother forget her nursing child…Yes, they can.” Isaiah 49:15. Could we? Yes. Should we? No! We decided we would never emotionally or physically abandon the person that carries our genes…regardless of her gender identity or presentation, regardless of her name, clothing, hair color, piercings or tattoos. She’s stuck with us. We’re her parents. We’re stuck with her. She is our child.
6. We decided to stay in family fellowship. This wasn’t a hard decision…but it had to be intentional. We continue to claim her as our flesh and blood…and we still want to do things together, now in adulthood. Her master’s degree graduation happened six months after she came out. Of course, we were there. And there are holidays to enjoy, ball games to attend, dinners out together.  Her sister sibling is getting married. She is included. Period.
7. We decided to continue to be parentally physically affectionate. The experts say a person needs 12 hugs a day. She probably isn’t getting that, given the fact that she’s single and transgender…so we are committed to hugging her in greeting and parting…and other times in between.
8. We decided to believe her story and experience. Rather than discounting her perspective on her thoughts about herself, we choose to take her word for it.   We believe you, girl.
9. We decided to use feminine pronouns and her female name. (The name she settled on was actually suggested by her mother!) We did this out of respect for her as a person and also to communicate love and acceptance. To do otherwise, to insist on using his old name and calling him “he” may have resulted in pushing her away.
10. We decided to put ourselves in her place. What would we want from our family were we in her situation? We feel the Golden Rule applies here. We decided to model God’s grace…taught in The Prodigal Son (Luke 15).  We choose to NOT give her what some felt she deserved (rejection)…but what she needed (inclusion).
11. We decided that we are not alone. So we sought others for peer support and counseling. We heard from caring friends and family—some ahead and some behind us in a similar life journey. Out of these emails, conversations, and meals out…we found that we were “normal” in our feelings and thoughts. We found other Adventist parents who found the grace to love their children, too.
12. We decided to take a break from ministry. We took a sabbatical, and the time away from the daily grind of work gave us schedule space to deal with thoughts and emotions. 
13. We decided to have a key heart-to-heart talk with our children…individually alone and then together. This was a turning point in our family dynamics, and no one could do it but the two of us. We…mom and dad…did it together.  It was transformative.
14. We decided to keep praying with and for her. God is not dead…and the Divine is still at work…in our lives and her life. We lift her up in prayer daily, and when she leaves our presence, she joins us in a family prayer circle.
15. We decided to stop asking God to change her back into a him…and began asking God to change us. God has been answering those prayers.
16. We decided talking about our family was healthy. We talk about our own feelings and our daughter in appropriate ways with people we can trust. We have slowly moved from silence to advocacy for others in the LGBT community, offering love and care where we can.
17. We decided that we would stop blaming ourselves. We know it’s not our fault as parents that our child has these thoughts about herself. We didn’t cause this. The jury is still out on causative factors (a choice of nurture or a condition of nature?), so we have decided to blame the reality of humanity’s fall instead.
18. We decided to get acquainted with her friends…other members of the LGBT community. This includes attending worships, parties, and outings. Even a pizza night. You know…normal human kindness kinds of interactions.

We learned:

1. We learned that acceptance was a harder road…but we were up for the challenge. We know we “can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.”
2. We learned we could find peace in a new normal.
3. We learned perfect families don’t exist. “You have the perfect family…a boy and a girl…and the boy is older,” someone once said. In their patriarchal world, this may be a good thing…but it hardly matters. Our family is what it is…and we love each other.
4. We learned that our families of origin are more gracious that we thought they might be. After she came out to the rest of the extended family, we saw them offer continued love and grace to our child. We should have known that would be the case…for they have shown grace to us throughout our lives.
5. We learned we will never fully understand what our daughter is going through. We are cis-gendered. Our brains match our bodies. Hers does not.  But we learned we could have empathy.
6. We learned that all people deserve love and respect, and all people deserve to be at “God’s table” …and not under it. We should never equate people with “dogs.” Matthew 15:27. Jesus welcomes all to His table…and offers a feast of food, friendship, and faith to each one.
7. We learned that gender identity and expression is a painful experience for a person who is transgender. It isn’t something that they choose to be hip or cool. And we need not make their life more painful. In fact, the Christian would make their path smoother and their load lighter by living out the love found in 1 Corinthians 13 and taught in the Sermon on the Mount. We choose to practice this basic Christian ideal.
8. We learned personality is not gender-related. She is the same as he was.  She is just as creative, messy, and funny as he ever was. She is computer-savvy and still a passionate baseball fan—just like he was.
9. We learned that the brain is still the great mystery of the human body. A mass of grey, gelatinous tissue; it controls the whole of the body. It is the holy of holy of the human, if you will. And all aspects of brain function, chemistry, and its final output in thought and feeling is still a great mystery.
10. We learned to interpret the traditional homosexual Bible passages through the interpretive lens of the ministry of the grace of Jesus. The same Jesus who loved tax collectors, women, lepers, and the foreigner…would also love the LGBT community today. By following Jesus’ example in this, we realize that we will likely be criticized the same way He was. “Why do you eat with publicans and sinners?” To that question, we will give Jesus’ answer.
11. We learned to find comfort in Bible verses not usually quoted in discussions of the intersection of faith and the LGBTIAQ community.
    1. Luke 10:26 – When asked for a list things or one thing to do for eternal life, Jesus asked a question back. “What is written in the Law?  How does it read to you?” That is a key question. “How do you read it.”
    2. Romans 14:5 – “Each person should be fully convinced in their own minds.”  Since humanity is a glorious mix of races, cultures, perspectives, genders, etc., there is bound to be differences of conclusions. And every person is given the freedom to think and act for themselves.
    3. Romans 14:15 – “Do not, for the sake of your food destroy and ruin someone for whom Christ died.” We could insert any topic in the place of food. Do not for the sake of _______ destroy someone for whom Christ died. In the kingdom of grace, a person is more important than a policy, a proposition, or even a principle.
    4. Matthew 19:12 – Jesus’ mention of three types/causes of eunuchhood deserves consideration and study. Born that way, made themselves that way, or made that way by others. Certainly people born with any difference—physical, emotional, mental, etc. receive Jesus’ accommodation in the kingdom.
12. We learned that love is a choice. And we choose love. Love is drawing our daughter close, rather than pushing her away. Love is including, not excluding. Shunning is not an option for us.
13. We learned that if the family dog, Lady, could treat her the same as always—with a friendly tail wag and an eager tongue—we could follow Lady’s example, minus the wagging and licking.
14. We learned two wonderful phrases of healing, encouragement, and hope:

“There are some things that only God knows…and They (the Trinity) are not telling.” Life is mysterious and there many things we don’t understand. God’s ways are not our ways and our thoughts are not God’s thoughts. God’s ways are beyond finding out. Some things are best left with God.

“We are not in Eden anymore and we are not in Heaven yet.” We are here: outside one perfect garden…and not yet in the next perfect garden. We are trapped here…on a flawed, sin-filled earth, of which we are a part. We’re all in this together…so, sinner, be kind and gentle and neighborly to your neighbor, the sinner.

And we’ll close with one additional decision:

We decided to courageously use our names. Having written before with pseudonyms, this piece is signed with who we are.  

We both come from families that have been part of the Adventist Church for several generations: there are accountants, teachers, pastors, chaplains, doctors, nurses, and professors in our family tree that have served God in this church for entire careers. Others, whose jobs weren’t and aren’t in denominational employ, have served this church in numerous volunteer officer roles as well. We are Adventists by faith and fellowship. And we are a family that has LGBT members. 

Our limb of the family tree includes a gay grafting and a lesbian leaf and a couple of transgender twigs. (Kris, the poet, strikes again.) And that is just what is known at this time.   

We understand that the only way to end the culture of shame in the Adventist Church is to speak out and up for the other members of our church. 

So we say… “Love your gay and lesbian children. Love your transgender kids.  Love your intersex child. Love your queer child. And if you don’t have one of your own…love someone else’s. For surely, they are among us.”

That’s our story. We love our daughters. Your results may vary.

Sincerely,

Elder O. Kris and Mrs. Debbie Widmer

[Gregory Matthews]

Whatever your perspective on the issues, this is moving.

 

[GayatfootofCross]

God has a heart too!

[phkrause]

23 hours ago, GayatfootofCross said:

God has a heart too!

You don't say!!

[JoeMo]

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2016 at 7:36 PM, GayatfootofCross said:

God has a heart too!

It would be nice if everyone (or even a majority of people) who profess to emulate Jesus had a heart.

[Gail]

Amen to that! The stories that are out there are heartbreaking.

[GayatfootofCross]

On 5/18/2016 at 3:13 PM, JoeMo said:

It would be nice if everyone (or even a majority of people) who profess to emulate Jesus had a heart.

Well too many people here....

 

 

Maybe one of the reasons the Church is dying.

Jesus is not in it.

 

#ichabod

 

[GayatfootofCross]

I say that with such waves of sadness and frustration

[LifeHiscost]

   We have always a decided message

to bear, “Behold the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sin of the world.” Satan will cast his hellish shadow athwart our pathway, and if we allow our eyes to rest on this shadow, we cannot discern the light which is beyond. Whatever discouragement may appear to our human sight, we must ever remember that there is infinity beyond the darkness. Our faith cannot, must not, for a moment sink in that dark shadow. Light beyond is shining for every soul of us. Our voice, our words, must testify of that light. {Lt119-1898.3}   

7And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think on these things. 9Whatever you have learned and received and heard from me, and seen in me, put these things into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.…Philippians 4

  The bright and cheerful side of our religion will be represented by all who are daily consecrated

to God. They will express their gratitude to God in bringing Him their thank-offerings. We do not want to dishonor God by the mournful relation of trials that appear grievous. Trials are Christ’s workmen to perfect in us the Christian graces, and these tests are not to sink the believer’s faith, but raise it equal to the occasion, that unto all it may appear more precious than gold that perisheth, tho it be tried by fire. Every trial is designed to exalt the truth to a higher appreciation, that praise to God alone may be upon the lips of the true disciple. And the growth in grace is to the honor and glory of God at the appearing of Jesus Christ, “whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, tho now ye see Him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory; receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls.” {ST September 29, 1898, par. 9}   

God is Love!~ Jesus saves!