Becoming Assertive

[Dr. Shane]

Most people are not naturally assertive.  We tend to either suppress our anger or be aggressive when we express it.  Most that are aggressive are not violent.  They will yell, call names, criticize and even humiliate others but not do any physical harm.  Then too, there is passive aggression which is also a common means to express anger.  Many Christians mistakenly think that suppressing anger is the Christian way to handle anger.  In fact, many of those that suppress their anger will even deny that they are angry.  They will say they are "hurt" but not angry.  Those hurt feelings are anger.  They are simply in denial of the anger they feel.  Some medical doctors, like Dr. Gabor Maté, believe that those who suppress their anger are more likely to develop cancer while those who express it through aggression are more likely to develop heart disease.

The best way to express anger is to be assertive.  Becoming assertive (instead of suppressing it or acting with aggression) becomes a MATTER OF PRAYER for Christians honestly trying to change.  Of course, praying is rarely enough but it plays a big role.  Being assertive involves standing up for one's self in a calm and firm manner.  It also involves allowing others to disagree and even act inappropriately.  One being assertive does not feel the need to beg and plead for others to agree with them.  They state their case and let the cards fall where they may.  When others act inappropriately, an assertive person forgives (that is not the same as suppressing anger).  Forgiveness is authentic.  It releases the other from condemnation and turns their case over to God.