Can I say No?

[Dr. Shane]

Within Christianity we do a lot of taking care of others. We serve others and put them in front of ourselves. We feel good about ourselves when we do this and it gives a natural high. It creates self-confidence and improves our assessment of our self-worth. The message of Philippians 2:3-4 is played out in the lives of countless Christians. "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."  

To really be of service to others, we need to first take care of ourselves.  This doesn't refer to selfish desires.  How do you take care of yourself?  Do you sleep at night?  Do you take a bath?  Do you eat healthy meals?  Do you pray and read the Bible?  These are all ways we take care of ourselves.  We cannot do much good for others if we are not taking care of ourselves.  There is another way to take care of ourselves that some do not know about and others simply ignore.  That is emotional care.

An emotional bank account or an emotional tank is a psychological construct that determines when a person is refreshed and when they are burned out.  Unlike organs like the heart or liver, the emotional tank is not a tangible thing we can see inside of a person.  Rather it is a concept used to explain how the brain deals with emotions.  When we give of ourselves emotionally, we are consuming emotional energy and that lowers the level in our emotional tank.  We can recharge, or refill, our emotional tanks but the process to do that varies depending upon a person's temperament.  If we continue to give of ourselves unselfishly, without refilling our emotional tank, we burnout.

Consider the analogy of a car with a fuel tank.  We want to do good for the Lord so we use our car to delivery Bibles and give people a ride to church.  What happens if we don't stop to fill up the fuel tank?  The car stops.  How many Bibles get delivered with an empty fuel tank?  None.  In order to serve the Lord and others, we need to make sure our car has fuel and is maintained properly.  Taking care of the car isn't selfish.  It is necessary in order to help others.

This lesson is hard to apply when it comes to saying NO.  People ask us to do them favors.  The church asks us to fill a certain position.  We need to be honest with ourselves, and others.  That often means saying NO when our emotional tanks just don't have what we need to do what is being requested.  Some counselors call this healthy boundaries.  A lot of people feel guilty about it when they first start practicing healthy boundaries. It may take a little trial and error to learn the difference between being selfish and lazy and enforcing a healthy boundary.  We are selfish and lazy when our emotional tanks are full, we feel good, but refuse to help others when asked.  When we refuse to help someone because we know are not going to have the energy level to do what is being requested that is enforcing a healthy boundary.