Resentments & Grudges

[Dr. Shane]

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath (Eph 4:26)

When I have unresolved resentment I:

• am touchy or on edge when I am reminded of the person or persons I resent.

• usually deny any anger or hatred against those whom I resent.

• am provoked or angered when I see those whom I resent get recognized and reinforced for their achievements.

• am bothered by my hostile, cynical, and sarcastic attitude; it becomes a barrier between me and the people with whom I want to establish a healthy relationship.

• get stuck in my efforts to grow as a person.

• reject all efforts to get me to work on forgiving and forgetting past offenses and hurts.

• resist all attempts to get me to get on with my life, including the suggestion that I have unfinished business with people from my past which needs to be addressed.

• find it difficult to open myself up to trust others, especially in new relationships.

• find it hard to believe that I'll ever be recognized for my competency, worth, and abilities.

• tend to overcompensate in my efforts to be successful.

What irrational thinking underlies my resentment?

• No matter what I do it is never ``good'' enough, so why try?

• People are out to get me so, I'll reject them before they reject me.

• There is no use in resolving unfinished business with people from my past who mistreated me.

• Everyone is out to get me.

• Hard work, a clean life, and treating people fairly is a waste of time; it has never paid off for me.

• There is no way I can forgive or forget my negative past.

• I'll never win at anything I try; I've always lost up until now.

• There are the ``haves'' and the ``have nots,'' and I'm a have not guaranteed to be a loser.

• My life should at least be fair.

• It is better to grin and bear it; I'll never get anywhere with an open, honest approach.

• What's done is done, so let it be.

• I've never been given a break in the past; why should I expect anything different now?

• It's all a matter of politics: who you know and what you have to bow down to that determines your fate.

• It's who you know rather than what you are that determines your success.

• Why is it that people with fewer talents, who work less, and struggle little, always seem to get ahead while I remain stuck.

• The price of hard work and effort seems to be failure and disappointment for me.

• There's always going to be someone who will guarantee that I'll be unsuccessful.

• They are all alike; why try to win them over or be nice to them.

• It will never change; why try to alter the situation between me and them.

• There are always people more talented, prettier, and more competent standing in the wings to take my place.

[aka]

.... hello to you Shane,

my lurking all these years never got me to pm'ing you to share what's in my heart that I really like you. "Like" in as far as my seeing your love of people and you wanting to make things for them better. Like you for being such a stick-to-ativeness SDA guy. Thanks for all your messages that showed a wanting to speak up for what you hold is right.

What you just wrote above is really profound. A very helpful insight to what goes on in us when we hold grudges. I learned from it.

I want to add that those toward whom I have a defensiveness I tend not to talk to directly anymore. Yes, basicly with me all communication shuts down between us. I remember a few months ago writing to one I was involved with for years but because of personal bias would not write me even an acknowling response.I just wanted to ask if she was grudge holding. I didn't pursue the issue.

[Dr. Shane]

Sometimes I have heard others say, "I resent that" and I have wondered, 'why would anyone purposely hold a resentment?'. I understand that many of us hold resentments because we struggle with forgiveness but don't grasp why someone would conscienely hold a resentment when it only hurts the one holding it.

[olger]

Bitterness is an acid that consumes the container it is held in.

Thanks for the topic Shane,

olger

[D. Allan]

Here is some good advice I wish I could alway remember to use: "When a person's speech is full of anger, it is because he or she suffers deeply. Because he has so much suffering, he becomes full of bitterness. He is always ready to complain and blame others for his problems. This is why you find it very unpleasant to listen to him and try to avoid him....

To understand and transform anger, we must learn the practice of compassionate listening and using loving speech.... Listening with compassion can help the other person to suffer less. Yet, even if you have the best intentions, you cannot listen deeply unless you train yourself in the art of compassionate listening. If you can sit down quietly and listen compassionately to that person for one hour, you can relieve a lot of his suffering, Listen with only one purpose: to allow the other person to express himself and find relief from his suffering. Keep compassion alive during the whole time of listening." -Thich Nhat Hanh, Anger, pp. 3,4

~d.allan

[stef]

That is a profound observation--as are the others. As a teacher in a public jr./sr. high school, in that setting, I see/hear a lot of anger.

3 months ago my husband and I became foster parents to two girls, ages 14 and 9 (2 of 5 siblings who were removed from their neglect/abusive home two years ago). In our previously quiet home, I see/hear a lot of anger.

Thank you, Shane for this post. I have gained understanding.

[gina i]

Thanks Shane.