Divorce not always inevitable

[Dr. Shane]

Southwestern Union Record, August 2007

While statistics on the number of members who are divorced are not available, Willie Oliver, North American Division family ministries director estimates that one in four church members go through divorce. He says he suspects the figure might be even higher.

Since the Adventist church strongly emphasizes marriage, Oliver says it should be responsible for helping couples maintain marriage through counseling programs and seminars...

“Adventist couples are part of this society and living in this society makes them vulnerable to the same problems as others.”

... Although Adventist-led seminars like “From This Day Forward” are not always available in many parts of the world, Oliver encourages churches to have their own enrichment seminars. He points to a DVD of the program that churches can use to set up their own seminars.

I like to see the church moving on issues like this. Too many churches don't attend to the families well and then are surprised when they fall apart.

[Amelia]

It takes two to agree to any kind of intervention. In my case, the ex had his mind made up and no kind of "talking" to him could change that.

[Dr. Shane]

Obviously there are individual cases that are inevitable. I think the article isn't directed so much at individual cases but rather on the role the church can and should be playing.

The church needs to play a more active role than many are playing. We need to be a family as a church. Visit each other in each other's homes during the week. Call each other on the phone. Email each other. Go out to lunch or breakfast together. Care for each other. Seeing each other once a week on Sabbath morning is only scratching the surface.

[Amelia]

Wow nice idea. Does any church do an Nth of that?

[Dr. Shane]

Here in Southern Texas I must give a good report. There are members that seem to isolate themselves and only come to church on Sabbath. Yet many of us do live pretty much as I described above.

I really like churches that are more relationship orientated as compared to those that are more program orientated.

[Amelia]

Ok, get the spare room ready. Im moving in. CD

[Nan]

Seems that prevention is better than cure...like Amelia's ex, mine was adamant about his going - and he was senior elder of our church at the time, and socially fairly well connected. Not sure if some of the enrichment programs earlier in the piece would have helped, he was always very scathing about the warm and fuzzies. Sometimes I think there is nothing any of us can do to prevent these tragedies, once the decision has been made.

But being a warm and friendly church is a very good way to start trying.

[Dr. Shane]

In our culture today, divorce is acceptable enough that some individuals are going to decide for it and their spouses will have nothing to say in the matter. That is not to say that the past was some kind of marital paradise when couples stayed together through thick and thin. While marriages may have stayed together, there was the loss of intimacy and neglect to the point where they may have well been divorced.

The "divorce culture" does open our eyes to the realities of marital struggles and the church needs to step up and minister to families in general - including broken families left in the wake of divorce.

[darlene]

And the Church is doing that through Adventist Single Adult Ministries. We are also using DivorceCare in some of our churches. We need to use it more though. And.....Adventist Single Adult Ministries needs to loose the stigma which some of the marrieds hold against it. It is a M I N I S T R Y not a place to hunt for a spouse! It is a place where single adults can experience the love and acceptance which they do not receive in some of our churches. It is a ministry where needs of the single parent are met. It is a place where the divorced can receive help and shelter. It is a ministry which reaches out to the over 50% of society that are single to invite them to come along to our Heavenly home. And I repeat.....it is a

M I N I S T R Y!

[Amelia]

Quote:

And the Church is doing that through Adventist Single Adult Ministries. We are also using DivorceCare in some of our churches.

Not in my area they aren't.

[Dr. Shane]

Singles ministry is good and the church needs to continue and grow that ministry. However that in itself is not enough. Married couples need ministry themselves. There is enough people in every congregation for the work. Each congregation should have a singles ministry and a family ministry. The key to an active church is getting people involved. When there is a need present, people will normally get involved to minister to the need. What is really needed is for leadership to realize the important role they must play in making it happen. That doesn't mean pastors do it all. It means pastors motivate the laymen to do the work.

[darlene]

I would agree that in some areas Single Adult Ministries is still growing and not what it should be. Ours has it's limitations too but, we must continue to improve.

Our conference is very fortunate. This past year someone donated $3-5,000 to present a marriage workshop and at camp meeting we had Harvey and Kathy Corwin present a Love Takes Time workshop. We had approximately 300 people attend, mostly couples but some singles also. They were very enthusiastic and blessed. So, Shane, yes, this kind of workshop/training for married couples is excellent. However, it costs quite a bit.

[Amelia]

Harvey Corwin baptised me.

[darlene]

Praise the Lord! Harvey C. is a very nice, sincere man.

[Dr. Shane]

Quote:

Shane, yes, this kind of workshop/training for married couples is excellent. However, it costs quite a bit.

Notice this article talks about training pastors and others to do seminars on the local level. That will take quite a bit of the cost out of it.

I have thought about just recording marriage programs off from Adventist TV and then meeting with interested couples once a month to watch a 1/2 hour episode and discuss it afterwards. I think that would be cheap and productive. Mix it with a pot luck meal and it would be fun.

[olger]

A couple walking together in oneness is a beautiful thing. It is evangelism. Our world is waiting to catch a glimpse of this beauty.

I've given 6-marriage & relationship seminars so far, and more are coming. We have new things to share each year.

olger

[Dottie]

Wow. But what if one says "what's wrong with our marriage?"?

All these ideas are nice, but what if someone doesn't really want to be sociable, and spending time with people is a bore? What if I have been spending time with people all week, and go to church as an obligation, and leave out the side door as soon as the last "Amen" is said? How do you include me in all of your proposals?

[Dr. Shane]

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

[DrWhoCompanion]

I think prevention is a key. Hit the teenage population. Give them the tools for self-confidence. Let them know they don't need to rush into marriage. Get to know themselves first and grow into strong adults.

It takes fortitude and healthy self-esteem to pick a partner who will be what you need and have the ability to hang in there with you, in my opinion.

Could just be my social work training!

Cheers,

C.

[Dr. Shane]

I agree that we need to offer family-life classes in our academies and colleges. The youth need to understand the qualities that make a good boyfriend or girlfriend are not the same qualities that make a good husband or wife. The youth should be trained how to look for a mate and how to be a good husband and wife.

[Guest charis]

I agree that we need to offer family-life classes in our academies and colleges. The youth need to understand the qualities that make a good boyfriend or girlfriend are not the same qualities that make a good husband or wife. The youth should be trained how to look for a mate and how to be a good husband and wife.

Maybe things have changed, but when I was in Academy way over 20 years ago, we students were required to take a *Marriage and Family Life* class. "Every date is a potential mate" is the phrase I remember from *that* class. Then, in college (WWC) there were all sorts of Marriage and Family Life classes to take. Both in academy and college, good information was given.....but as teenagers, we all just sort of snickered... It was just *another class* to take and get graded for. Frankly, the only thing I remember from the WWC class is the professor asking for a show of hands as to who indulged in masturbation. Only one guy raised his hand. So the prof asked him what would he do when/if he got married. The student said, "Here's my wife sitting beside me." I had never seen that prof (it was Dr Joseph Barnes) rendered speechless....but that did it.

[olger]

Wow. But what if one says "what's wrong with our marriage?"?

All these ideas are nice, but what if someone doesn't really want to be sociable, and spending time with people is a bore? What if I have been spending time with people all week, and go to church as an obligation, and leave out the side door as soon as the last "Amen" is said? How do you include me in all of your proposals?

Good question.

There is a test the we give people and it identifies aspects of their life in 9-areas.

Active social versus quiet is one category.

Expressive-Responsive versus inhibited is another.

If a person scores high on both quiet and inhibited we know there is a reason. Something has shut them down inside. God didn't create them that way. We go look for the root cause.

olger

[Dr. Shane]

Quote:

when I was in Academy way over 20 years ago, we students were required to take a *Marriage and Family Life* class.

Well, another reason to support Adventist education. I went to public school after 8th grade. In our high school they just taught us how to have sex before marriage without getting an STD or pregnant. We didn't learn about anything after the vows were taken.

In college I took a good family life class but it wasn't required.

Quote:

as teenagers, we all just sort of snickered... It was just *another class* to take and get graded for.

I wouldn't be so quick to write off teenagers like that. Certainly some are superficial but there are others that are like I was when I was a teenager, really interested in avoiding the mistakes I saw others make. I read lots of books about marriage long before I ever met my wife.

[Guest charis]

Shane said:

Quote:

I wouldn't be so quick to write off teenagers like that

I didn't write off teenagers....I merely stated what happened with *my* class, by and large...

[Jeannieb43]

Frankly, the only thing I remember from the WWC class is the professor asking for a show of hands as to who indulged in masturbation. Only one guy raised his hand. So the prof asked him what would he do when/if he got married. The student said, "Here's my wife sitting beside me." I had never seen that prof (it was Dr Joseph Barnes) rendered speechless....but that did it.

Now it's my turn to chuckle. (I remember Joseph Barnes when he was pastor of the New York City Center, an Adventist church on 42nd Street in NYC which was used as a hotel and mission outreach for the New York area back during the 1960s.) But what I chuckle about is the then-somewhat "risque" practice of asking personal questions about masturbation in a co-ed class of college students. [Probably masturbation was still thought to cause insanity back then....]