Noah, In Modern Times

[SMAN]

And the Lord spoke to Noah & said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water & all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."

And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for the Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain, "thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems.

First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.

Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S.Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.

Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.

I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has"

[carolaa]

That was good, but not sure if it is more true than funny. We are in the middle of a long, drawn-out building project, and this sounds way too familiar! :R

[olger]

AARON & THE EPA

The messenger puffed over the horizon and skidded to a stop at the door of the building. Eying the door, which read EPA in big bold letters, he announced to himself “We got them this time!”

The door soon opened revealing a rather snappy, officious man and a very plump lady in black skin tight pants. “Well?” the snappy one asked.

“We got `em sir!” the messenger announced, subconsciously puffing himself up to his full height of 5’4”. “We got em this time and if you come quickly we can sneak up on them and catch the whole bunch in the act and I waited for two days for this opportunity and you…”

“Slow down” the agent said, drawing him inside the EPA building.

“I assume that you’re referring to those nasty nomads in the desert—the ones who have been violating the Clean Air Act, the Animal Rights Act, and the Open Burning Laws, and the Occupational Safety Guidelines, ALL WITHOUT PERMITS!!!” the agent granted himself a flash of indignation.

“Yes Yes!” the messenger said. They got their codebook and headed out to the wilderness…

“This wilderness should be protected” exclaimed the agent in a burst of self-importance. “That’s right!” the messenger said ecstatically.

“Let’s talk about these environment violaters”, the agent shifted in his seat. “We can nail them on three serious charges, and possibly a dozen more. That will justify our funding, and hopefully increase it.” It was going to be a good day.

They pulled up to the encampment. There were thousands of tents scattered across the plain. Smoke was rising from a large tent in the center of the camp. “Yep, there’s an open burning violation right there” the agent said. “There’s a big cloud of pollution in the center of this camp already!!” “AND, I am pretty sure that they are disturbing the native habitat of the green-nosed long-livered toad-frog.” We’ll nail em big time on that one!”

They knocked on the door of the large tent. A distinguished elder with a long white beard met them. His unusual clothing stood in stark contrast to their own. He wore a breastplate with 12-stones.. and a mitre on his head. There was a golden belt around his waist, supporting the beautiful blue robe.

“Can I assist you? the man asked. “Have you come to repent to the Lord?”

“Repent!?” You’re the one who will need repentance when we’re finished” the agent, snorted. “First, what is your name?” the agent barked whipping out his violation book.

“I am Aaron, the son of Amram.”

“Last name?”

My name is Aaron.”

The agent sighed… “What is your address?”

“Address…?”

“WHERE DO YOU LIVE?”

“I dwell wherever the Lord leads.” Aaron replied.

“WHERE DO YOU WORK?” The agent was getting steamed..

“Ahh…I work in the tabernacle of the Lord.” The old man’s face brightened with the satisfaction that peace brings.

“Oh really?” The agent rolled his eyes. “And what do you do for your employer?”

“I offer the morning & evening sacrifice. And I oversee the slaughter of animals for the remission of sin. It is hard work, and it is good work.”

“So you’re running a butcher shop out here” the agent shook his head. “You will need FDA approval at once. And there will be a massive fine for not possessing a license.” “Furthermore”, the agent continued “you will have to be inspected.” His indignation mounted…

Aaron listened patiently to this strange arrogant man… He sure looked like he needed remission, but we don’t force it on anyone. The Lord would deal with him.

“And.” Where is that smoke coming from?” The agent demanded.

“That is from the burnt offering, my friend” Aaron replied.

“Take us in there, now!.”

Aaron led the men inside.

“I want that fire put out immediately”, the agent said.

“It can’t be done,” Aaron replied. “That sacrifice is to the Lord. If He wants it out He will have to put it out.”

The agent smiled darkly. This was going to be fun, making an example of these weird people.

“‘Tell your boss to come here at once” the agent said. “We might as well arrest the whole bunch of you.”

“You wish to meet the Lord?” Aaron said.

“I Do!” Get him in here.”

“He’s already in here.”

“Really? Is he hiding under that table?” The agent smirked. “Tell him to get his tail in here.”

Aaron looked long at the agent. His eyes were the deepest the man had ever seen. It was almost uncomfortable, and the agent raised his bluster another notch to cover it. “Get him in here now!”

“He’s right behind that curtain, my friend” Aaron paused. “I don’t recommend disturbing Him.”

“Oh really?” The agent chuckled as he took three quick steps to the large heavy curtain.

“I should warn you, Aaron said. “One must never enter the presence of the Lord unholy.” Something in his calm voice troubled the agent.

“Hear that?” he sneered to the messenger with him. “One must never enter the presence of the lord unholy..” He quickly raised his hand to the curtain to yank it aside, when he stopped. All of a sudden he felt uneasy. A wave of dread crashed over him.. He walked away from the curtain “Cmon,” he said to his accomplice. They both walked outside.

“But boss why are we leaving..?” the messenger asked. “What’s with you?”

“I’m going to get a warrant” the agent replied. “I remembered that we didn’t have one yet. No matter, we will be back!”

The agent turned to Aaron as they walked away. “We will be back, and you’ll be sorry!”

Aaron watched in silence…

The two men drove away.

“What a bunch of weirdos, huh?” he messenger looked at his boss.

“You got that right. We’ll be back and clean the whole gang up. That will be GOOD for the environment to see them rot in jail. That whole cloud over the place makes me sick.”

“Boss, I noticed all the people around there and it occurred to me that they are part of some dumb religion. Is that possible?”

“Of course it is. They’re all a bunch of fanatics. I can’t believe why anyone would need that weird religion anyway..” he drove on...

The messenger thought for a moment “Yeah, I prefer our church. The Ecstatic Environmentalist.”

“Me too!”

oG