Lack of Fathers

[Dr. Shane]

How does the lack of fathers in the lives of many children impact society? What role should the church serve?

After picking my son up from the bus stop today I took him into my office as I needed to work late. We stopped at a bakery around the corner and got some baked goods. My son was walking about 15 feet behind me in the hallway in my office building when another boy stopped him and seemed to want to take the baked goods. My son is 6 and the other boy appeared the same age. Unlike my son, who was following me, this boy had been running ahead of his mother. When I saw he stopped my boy, I sternly told the child to stop that. I then told him he needs to learn to behave in public and if he doesn't learn to behave in public he is going to end up in jail because our jails are filled with men who never learned how to behave in public when they were little boys. I didn't raise me voice but I spoke very sternly. His mother later came by my office and told me not to speak to her son that way again and to speak to her if I had an issue with her son (I don't even know who she is). I told her that if my son behaved that way in public I would be discipling him so there would never be a next time. She just repeated herself and left. As I thought about it, she is probably a single mother and the child has no man in his life. He has no role model. He has no one to teach him how men are to act and behave. And of course, our jails and prisons are filled with men that never knew or had a meaningful relationship with their fathers.

OTH, last year our son's kindergarten teacher called and said that he had been hitting other children in class. When I got home I had a serious talk with him and expressed how disappointed I was. I then put the Bully episode of VeggieTales in and when the bully pounces on Jr. I would ask my son which one was he... I paused the video and pointed to the bully and to Jr. and asked if he was the bully. We went over that scene a few times. I then took him to a toy store and let him pick out a toy he wanted. Then I told him if he behaved in school, at the end of the semester I would buy him that toy. Two months later he made student of the month. The teacher said she didn't know what we did but the change was drastic. If my wife had been a single mother without my help, I doubt the results would have been the same.

[Guest gem]

Impressive!

[Bravus]

I do think this is one of the areas in which we've been so careful to care for the feelings of those mothers who are single through no fault of their own that we have been too meek in speaking out about the value of fathers. Perhaps it's also in reaction to the many stories we hear of deadbeat and abusive fathers.

I know that my daughters really value having a father to care for them and love them. We tend not to fit usual gender roles, though - they play football and work on my motorbike with me, and I shop with them. They call me their 'fashion daddy' because I usually have some sort of (hopefully coherent and useful) comment to make about outfits they are discussing and so on. They also get lots of hugs from me, which means they don't need to seek that kind of masculine affection in other, more dangerous places.

Of course there will still be women here who are raising kids on their own, and this thread is not meant to make them feel bad. But I do think, along with Shane, that it's time to value and extol the importance of good fathers in building families and societies.

[Bravus]

Perhaps a small indication of the pathologies of Adventism that we struggle to get 3 posts on this important issue but get 39 pages on homosexuality.

[David Koot]

Good post, Bravus. And good for Shane to bring this up. Personally, I have always believed very much in the importance of dads. I was very close to my own dad. Sometimes, as you both have alluded to, dads are treated as second-class citizens. And yes, so often some single moms speak of how important dad is in the life of the children, yet dad has been squeezed out of the picture. Our court system traditionally has favored moms. And as for County services, of course, dads--men in general, as one attorney told me, are considered suspect and evil. Part of the feminization of American society has been that men are devalued. In my family, my children were very important to me. I did not know until after the divorce, when both my wife and several others told me, that over the years, my wife had been working to alienate my children from me and preparing them for a divorce. In fact, she told me that when she would talk with our children--in my absence--and tell them that she just couldn't live with me anymore, that my oldest son would say, "I'll stay with dad. Dad needs me." Heartbreaking. Yet, tragic stories like that happen way too often.

Dave

[cricket]

I agree that positive, uplifting male role models are needed by children everywhere. I wouldn't agree with anyone saying that women are incapable of raising respectable young men and women alone, however. Many mothers take their charge very seriously and are quite adept at giving their children a balanced perspective.

Typically, our young people have limited contact with males as they grow up. Their mothers generally are the primary caretaker in their infancy and toddler years. Then, children often go through their pre-school, kindergarten and elementary years with female teachers. Even in our Sabbath School classes and youth organizations, these youth are usually under the care and guidance of women.

Why is that? Why aren't there more men willing to fill these roles? Especially in the youth department at church? What are some ways we can encourage more men to participate and be more involved in the lives of the youth? Year after year I have made a "call" from the pulpit to ask for men to serve in these positions. Year after year, these roles are continually filled by women. When will men rise to the occasion and take on the leadership roles that are so needed?

[Bravus]

Part of the problem is that past instances of sexual abuse have meant that it is almost impossible for men to work in these situations. I train teachers, and see very few male candidates, especially for the elementary school years. Why? Because an education to be a teacher takes 4 years and incurs massive debt, and all it takes is one accusation of improper conduct, even a completely bogus accusation, to destroy a career and make all that investment worthless.

Protecting kids is crucial, but the pendulum has swung too far, IMO, leading to a situation where a few evil men have been able to rob our kids of the influence of many good men.

[Dr. Shane]

The only way I can see that a single parent could raise a child to have a balanced perspective is if the grandparents live near by and are active in the child's life. Even in that scenario, it isn't the same as a regular nuclear family. Step dads are normally a poor substitute but sometimes do an outstanding job.

For some reason men tend to be less active in church than women. I think that is a related but separate subject. I have also noticed that in Latin America, it isn't the case at all. One problem may be the inter-marriage of Christians with non-Christians which results in weak churches. But again, I think that is getting away from the topic of fatherless children.

Fathers teach little boys how to be men. They teach them how to treat women. They teach them how to be responsible. Fathers teach little girls the qualities to look for in a husband. Little boys without fathers are more likely to drop out of school and end up in prison. Little girls without fathers are more likely to drop out of school and get pregnant before marriage.

Our church is now starting to minister to the divorced but what about the children of the divorced?

[cricket]

The only way I can see that a single parent could raise a child to have a balanced perspective is if the grandparents live near by and are active in the child's life. Even in that scenario, it isn't the same as a regular nuclear family. Step dads are normally a poor substitute but sometimes do an outstanding job.

[olger]

Good topic.

There are three crimes that society is perpetrating on families.

1) Men are beng conditioned to be passive in our culture. A man is portrayed as coming home from work and looking for the remote and tuning out of the needs of the family. This false model is based on the lies of the enemy and damaging many lives. A godly husband/father is the servant leader of the home. We should have our antenna "up" to sense the needs of the family. A father should lead out in bible study and select topics that address needs in the family. To care about the heart of his wife, and his children.

2) Women are being told that they need to be independent from a man. Our woman are being told that they must look a certain way, have a career etc.. or they won't have value. This too is based upon the lies of the enemy. A Godly wife/mother will recognize the noble calling that God has given her in being a keeper at home. Children are being tossed overboard like unwanted anchors in a sea of confusion in our culture, as mom leaves home to find "fulfillment."

3) Our culture is committed to the destruction of our children's innocence. Long before they are able to "handle" it.

What is the solution to all this? The solution is to order our lives in harmony with the counsel of God. Three years ago at a marriage seminar that I was conducting, I made this statement. "A woman cannot respect a man who is not the spiritual leader of his home." Afterwards I was approached by three wives (one with tears) who affirmed that this was true.

I haved noticed that missing father is especially poignant in the black communities (I don't know how it is among Hispanics, Shane?). It's 4out of 5 in black communities). For this we must direct people to God as their Father and help them find healing (Psalm 27:10). Hopefully these children will connect with a Godly man somewhere along the line and be mentored by them. Missing/passive fathers is a serious societal problem.

"The greatest want in the world is the want of men.

Men who will not be bought or sold

Men who in their inmost souls are true and honest.

Men who do not fear to call sin by its right name.

Men who's conscience is as true to duty as the needle to the pole.

Men who will stand for the right though the heavens fall."

Good topic, Shane.

oG

[Dr. Shane]

I grew up without my father. My mother, like many divorced and unwed mothers, had her own emotional issues to deal with and was in no position to take additional duties and responsibilities beyond those of regular motherhood. I heard some statistics a few years ago that children raised by widows actually do much better in life than those raised by single mothers in other circumstances. No one seemed to be sure why that was, but it is an interesting statistic to say the least. (When I say "better" I am referring to education level, marital success, avoiding prison poverty)

Over the past 20+ years, I have sat in AA meetings and known countless single mothers, divorced fathers and adult-children of broken homes. From that I have gathered that my childhood experience isn't special or unique. I went through what millions of others go through. What made the difference in my life was Christ. I have no doubt about that. I do credit AA for helping me find Christ. But nonetheless, if I had not found Christ, I would more than like still be in the vicious circle and my wife would be a divorced mother and my children be without a father.

[olger]

Amen! I appreciate hearing about God's wonderful work in your life to bring strength and wholeness out of past pain. Through it all Jesus has been there to guide and to uplift. Through sorrow and healing, some of the most beautiful people in the world have walked through deep waters.

You're absolutely right, there are a million others with similar stories and God has burdened you to care for those people.

Warm blessings,

oG

[olger]

• For Men, more training needs to be given. The answer to the present imbalance is not to weaken the woman’s contribution but to strengthen the men’s. Local churches must give top priority to evangelizing and discipling men as Jesus did.

• It is better to teach a man to lead his wife and family than to provide women’s meetings and youth clubs to compensate for a godless father. It would be utterly wrong to deny leadership to women and do little or nothing about training men for this responsibility. The Word tells us where to go. Godly wisdom tells us how to get there.

• The church has need of spiritual mothers as well as fathers.

• Many Christian women who accept that biblical leadership is male rightly complain that avenues of ministry have been unnecessarily inhibited by male monopoly. There are avenues of ministry that do not in any way involve the direction of men.

• The public ministries of praying and prophesying are effective when exercised by women of spiritual insight and sensitivity.