Sexual sins/what would you do or should I say what would Jesus do?

[Robert]

I know of a situation where a married couple stopped their divorce and got back together. During their time apart this guy's wife was involved in a sexual relationship for about one year. Her husband didn't know anything about it when they got back together.

About 1/2 a year after resuming their marriage she told him what had transpired. But here's the thing - she says she's still in love with the guy and that she's feeling a lot of guilt. She tries to convince him that God's telling her to leave the marriage because, in her eyes, it's wrong for her to be with her husband and desire another man. To add fuel to the fire she's also told her husband she can't have sex with him because she's emotionally bonded to another.

Now the husband is very confused also. He goes from thinking that he should tell her to immediately leave to asking himself "what would Jesus do?" To him, her leaving the marriage doesn't solve her problem because while she might feel less guilty she is still committing sin and will be more likely to get into other bad relationships outside the marriage. So he tells her let's hold on a bit longer and I'll give God my desires (i.e., to give you the boot) and you give God your desires (i.e., this so-called love for another man).

Now what would you do in the same situation or, as I asked in the subject, "what would Jesus do?"

PS: In case you get inquisitive and wonder if I'm speaking of my own situation that's not for you to know. Maybe, maybe not?...it's a moot point. So don't ask. Either I am asking for advice for my situation or someone else. Replies are welcome because I don't know the answer to this problem.

Rob

[Dr. Shane]

Emotional fondness is not love. While the woman thinks she "loves" this other man, what she feels is likely just emotional fondness. If she were to leave her husband and go with the other man, after a time, the novelty of the new relationship would wear off and who knows where she would go from there. She certainly needs counseling. If she is open to it, that is the direction she should go. I always prefer Christian counseling. It would probably be helpful for her to receive individual counseling as well as marital counseling with the husband.

The husband in this case really isn't in the driver's seat. I would advise him simply to prayer a lot and accept whatever happens. If the wife refuses to have sex with him, after a time he needs to decide if the marriage isn't over. It is very hard on a man's esteem when his wife leaves him so the husband may want to seek some professional Christian counseling too.

[phkrause]

I like your post shane. I couldn't have said it better. And besides I probably wouldn't really know what more to say or add.

pkrause

[Guest gem]

We do like to hang on on things, don't we? We like to fix it and is hoping that it is still fixible so we decide to keep it. Losing something is hurtful. But people who are aware of the situation probably have different views than us. So, it might also be wise to seek advise from trusted people (in church and outside) (who know or have idea of what's going on). I would. Sometimes we think we're the first person who knows about it then later found out that some folks around us already have clue long before.

Thanks for sharing this.

[Bravus]

I think the slant placed on the situation by the thread title is unfortunate, because I think the sex is not actually the key issue here. The key issue is the relationship, all else follows from that. If that can be saved, the sexual situation will sort itself out (and the wife is accountable to God for her actions, as the husband is for his. It's not for him to 'save' her from sinning - that's Jesus' job). If the relationship is fatally broken (I always believe in redemption, but I've seen the hardness in one or both hearts and the old scars destroy marriages before), then the wife becomes no longer the husband's concern anyway.

I agree with the recommendation for counselling, but again, the relationship and rebuilding trust and commitment needs to be the focus, not the side issue of sex.

[Dr. Shane]

The sex is simply a symptom of the problem - like a cough or sniffles is a symptom of a cold. That said, when I have a bad cough or the sniffles I normally take some cough medicine and buy a box of Kleenex. There is nothing wrong with treating symptoms insomuch as we realize they have a deeper cause and are not themselves the primary problem.

The wife in this scenario does not understand love or God. Love is commitment. Commitment is not based on or governed by feelings. I once had a married woman I suggest we rent a motel during the day and have an affair that neither of our spouses would know about. While that may have flattered me, I couldn't have even considered it for a moment because of love. Love for my wife. Love for my children. Love for my God. On those days when I arrive home and my wife is grumpy my commitment (aka love) doesn't change although my feelings often do. Love isn't about feelings; it is about love.

The husband in this case may well be like that mad watching his wife die on a life-support machine and just cannot bring himself to tell the doctors to shut it off. The slightest chance that the situation will change keeps him for pulling the plug. It is hard to criticize him for that. Eventually he may have to say good bye and start the healing process.

I think one thing is clear about life. None of us are perfect. Not one. All of us at one time or another emotionally abuse those we love, sometimes unintentionally. I have lashed out at my wife emotionally and she has lashed out at me emotionally too. Sometimes it has been unprovoked and others time in revenge. That is a sad reality in most every human relationship. Those that claim to have never emotionally abused others do not fully understand what constitutes emotional abuse. One of the things that makes marriage special and good friendships special is that we put up with each other because we have decided to commit to a relationship.

I believe many women confuse sex with commitment and thus confuse sex with love. Men are much more likely to connect sex with commitment. Men do tend to connect sex with love but only when they think of love as being emotional fondness. So when the man tells the woman he loves her before having sex she tends to hear commitment when he is really talking about emotional fondness. The wife in this scenario seems to be emotional fond of her ex-lover and thus "feels" and obligation to commit to him while she doesn't "feel" in love with her husband so she has no sense of commitment to him. She needs some serious help. If she returns with her ex-lover it is only a matter of time before she will no longer "feel" in love with him either.

[Dr. Shane]

Wow! Forgive my lack of proof reading on that post

"this case may well be like that mad watching his wife..."

The word "mad" should read "man".

"Men are much more likely to connect sex with commitment."

The word "more" should be "less".

[Robert]

So far I tend to agree with Shane....

For what it's worth,

Rob

[Jeannieb43]

Having had 22 years' experience dealing with some of these things (as a divorce lawyer), my first comment would be that the wife should never have "confessed" about her extramarital affair in the first place. Whenever there's a sexual indiscretion which the aggrieved party doesn't know about, the indiscreet party should keep his mouth closed about the whole affair. Telling anybody about it merely moves the guilt from the perpetrator to the innocent spouse -- it doesn't cure anything!

Lots of people think they're free to sleep with another person if they're separated and in the process of divorcing. But they're actually still married during that time. And for the parties to reconcile before the divorce becomes final is not rare -- in fact, in many instances the parties come to realize that what they have is better than anything else out there, and they should work to improve it rather than break it permanently. The State has a good reason for imposing a waiting period before Final Judgment. Contemplating the future, in a cool, calm manner is NECESSARY if the parties are to become whole human beings, able to stand on their own feet individually.

So, this whole scenario is a sad one, but not rare. The problem arises when one talks about his personal life to others. We need to learn to take our burdens to the Lord in prayer. We need to avoid burdening anybody else with our guilt.

Robert's friend can choose to forgive. After all, we can forgive anything, with God's help. The rub comes, however, when the erring spouse refuses to stop the behavior. Then, the injured spouse can appropriately leave the marriage. We should not condone sinful behavior. [but remember, in Bible times, having more than one spouse was not seen as horrific. We need to remember that there ARE worse sins than sexual sins!]

[Tom Wetmore]

Having had 22 years' experience dealing with some of these things (as a divorce lawyer), my first comment would be that the wife should never have "confessed" about her extramarital affair in the first place. Whenever there's a sexual indiscretion which the aggrieved party doesn't know about, the indiscreet party should keep his mouth closed about the whole affair. Telling anybody about it merely moves the guilt from the perpetrator to the innocent spouse -- it doesn't cure anything!...

Actually, according to experienced marriage counselors, that is not true in most cases. Keeping that sort of secret creates a wall between a husband and wife which only further inhibits restoration of complete emotional intimacy between them. Since she claims to be "emotionally bonded" with someone else it is very likely that the husband already senses an emotional separation between them. Getting to the root in order to reapir it will require 'fessing up. Knocking down that wall will be a big step in rebuilding intimacy and the emotional bonds between them. Infidelity is enabled by secrecy and opportunity. All too often keeping that sort of secret just makes it easier to continue the infidelity or to seek new opportunities. Intimacy needs complete openness and honesty, even if it is sometimes painful. Trust and security in the relationship may be very difficult to rebuild without it.

Really, as Shane has pointed out, the sex is just a symptom of a breakdown of the emotional bond or commitment of the marriage. The sexual infidelity is most often less devastating than the emotional infidelity. Most infidelity starts as an emotional bonding and the sex just seals the deal. I understand that an excellent book on the topic is NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Sure, keeping the secret of such an affair may keep them out of divorce court, for now, but it doesn't fix the relationship.

Tom

[Dr. Shane]

I agree that keeping it a secret is not healthy however I am not sure sharing it with the spouse is a wise idea either. That is really where a professional, Christian counselor can help. Such a sin can be confessed in counseling and the counselor can advise the individual of whether or not the "innocent" spouse should know.

The painful truth is that rarely is there an innocent party in marriages that breakup. A neglectful husband can cause a wife to feel isolated and she becomes hungry for attention and susceptible to adultery. Such women often fall into the hands of another man who are all too willing to whisper sweet nothings into their ears, use them and discard them when it isn't fun anymore. Cold wives that treat their sex life like a household chore and a burden that they have to do fail to flatter their husbands and often end up pushing him into the arms of another. Those relationships also tend to turn sour as the new lover seeks to get out of the situation what she wants and leave it when it no longer serves her purpose.

I believe the best way to avoid such pitfalls is good communication. That means both parties talking to each other about their feelings and both parties listening to the other. It takes work. When the wife says, "I don't feel loved" the husband needs not to get defense but to inquire what he can do. Sometimes counseling can help. My wife and I have went to counseling and I don't think we have ever been in danger of divorce. We have went to counseling simple to help improve our communication. Likewise when the husband says he wants more romance the wife needs to avoid getting defense. Men need their wives to flatter them. They don't just want sex, they want to be seduced by their wives. They want to feel desired and appreciated. Communication is the only way I know of to keep a marriage alive.

[Gerr]

What would Jesus do? He says, "I hate divorce!" "Therefore a man [or woman] shall leave his father and mother and hold fast [Gk meaning joinged, GLUED TO] to his wife [or husband], and they shall become one flesh."

If both believe in what God says, and if the husband believes in forgiveness, and if the wife believes that her infatuation is sinful and to be repented of, then there is no question in my mind that God can bring healing to the relationship.

Without confessing her indiscretion, I don't see how she could endure the guilt for the duration of their relationship. Confessing and asking for forgiveness will hopefully lift the guilt away. It will also provide the husband an opportunity grow and experience what it means to extend forgiveness in the face of a shredded ego.

Just my thoughts.

Gerry