I need advice: What should I do?

[monica]

3 years ago I met this really wonderful and kind man. He's a bit older than me, but that's not a problem. He has always helped me, advised me, been like a friend and father to me. I can wholeheartedly say he's the MOST WONDERFUL person I have ever met.

But the problem is he's not a SDA, even if he comes to church from time to time. And he ... loves me. What should I do? Should I try to help him find the Lord? Should I break his kind heart and stop dating him? (We've been dating on the internet for 3 months - he's far now, we're going to meet this summer).

I need advice, but not the typical Adventist kind of advice. I need HELP!

[Woody]

Just so that when you come here ... you will realize that you will get all kinds of thought ....

From me ... you will not get the 'typical' kind of Adventist advice ... you can count on that.

However ... I would severely caution you against marrying someone that is not of your faith. Our relationship to God is the first and most important thing. You would not want to do anything that would potentially harm that.

But, another however is in order .... IF he is a Christian that is tolerant to your beliefs ... then it might possibly be safe. You would need to provide more info on how he feels about SDAs and Christianity. One thing for sure is I would not try to change him and 'convert' him to Adventism. You can't change him any more than he can change you and it is not a good idea to go into a marriage thinking you can change your spouse. It don't work.

We as SDAs are first and foremost Christians. So, if he is a Christian and not a dogmatic one as far as denominations go ... then I would feel things might work out. But just as long as neither you nor he is trying to change either of you. Take religion with a lot of tolerance for differing beliefs and interpretations.

There you go ... that is my two cents worth. But, the other ideas from the rest of the crew will follow.

By the way .... it is clear from what you said that the Holy Spirit is already working in him. You said he was a very kind person. That quality does not come from the Devil. That is the Holy Spirit. Good Start.

[Liz]

From what you say here, it is really hard to give "life-changing" advice.

3 years ago I met this really wonderful and kind man. He's a bit older than me, but that's not a problem. He has always helped me, advised me, been like a friend and father to me.

[Dr. Shane]

The three months and three years thing confused me too.

First thing that is of the utmost importance is not to be worried about breaking his heart. That cannot be a concern in deciding what is best for YOU.

Second, not only do you have to consider what is best for YOU, you also must consider any CHILDREN you might bring into this marriage. If you are intending to have children with this man, or if that is even a possibility, mixing faiths is a very bad idea.

Third, if he is a Bible-believing Christian he should have no problem accepting the Sabbath and the state of the dead. If he accepts those two doctrines wholeheartedly and without reserve, you have little reason to doubt his sincerity as a Christian. If he is resistant to either of those doctrines, it raises a red flag about how dedicated he is to Bible truth.

Fourthly, during the dating period there is a novelty to the relationship that will soon wear off after marriage. Sharing the same faith goes a long way toward emotional and spiritual intimacy in the marriage that will last all through the golden years until death does you part.

[Bravus]

Have to say I picked up, as Liz did, on a certain sense of obligation in the things you said, Monica. Maybe it was just the way you laid out the situation and your question, but I'm not hearing that you love him, for example, or any sense of passion on your part. Even leaving the different-faiths question aside, a sense of gratitude and obligation is a really bad reason to go into a relationship.

I guess the other thing I'd say, having seen both some successful and some unsuccessful relationships arise online (including one my daughter was involved in) is to think of meeting face-to-face as an entirely new phase. Online 'dating' leads to a high level of verbal intimacy, but is a very tiny (and somewhat easily altered) subset of a whole person. When (if) you meet, make it a first date, take it very slow, get to know each other as though you don't know each other at all.

But I think there's still some space for figuring out how *you* feel before you take this any further.

[Amelia]

OK, I'm going to be the killjoy here!!

First off, you haven't been dating. You can't date on the internet. Second, you have never met this guy so you don't even know if this is the real person. Have you seen his picture? Heck, even that picture might not be him. As for his age? Pffft, same as the picture, who knows. As you stand right now you have nothing but an internet relationship that thousands of other people have. Which is really nothing but emotionally mind twisting without anything tangible. Some men and women become very adept at being other people in order to scam or just toy with others for their jollies. Remember the young woman who commited suicide after a school mates mother pretended to be a guy in love with her and then dumped her after much verbal(typed) abuse? Wouldn't that lead you to think twice or three times?

If you really want to meet this guy, pay the money for a background check. Paranoia? Yes it is but with these new kinds of anonymous relationships, find out who and what you are dealing with before meeting face to face and possibly being on the losing end. Sheesh the guy could be in prison for all you know. Or married!!!!

Words have power. Everyone knows that. Does he really love you? How can he since he has never met you? What is dancing about in the ether is the idea of those profound emotions being wrought by words on a screen. That is not love. Love comes from being together. Learning the trust of a friend. Having that grow into stronger emotions by being with, giving, laughing and touching together.

What would be even better is if all the things being said in the safety of the computer, could actually be said face to face. BTW, the phone is not face to face.

Oh and another thing. Weight everything you have told him about yourself with what you have learned about him. Does it equate? Has he held back in some areas? Does he know all the names of your family members but you only know his online name? Arggggg

I'm sorry but the naivete of people who "fall in love" over the internet just chafes me no end.

[Neil D]

3 years ago I met this really wonderful and kind man. He's a bit older than me, but that's not a problem. He has always helped me, advised me, been like a friend and father to me. I can wholeheartedly say he's the MOST WONDERFUL person I have ever met.

But the problem is he's not a SDA, even if he comes to church from time to time. And he ... loves me. What should I do? Should I try to help him find the Lord? Should I break his kind heart and stop dating him? (We've been dating on the internet for 3 months - he's far now, we're going to meet this summer).

I need advice, but not the typical Adventist kind of advice. I need HELP!

Ok, I am like Amelia...a killjoy....

First off, there is no such thing as "dating on the internet". All you have done is increased your intimate verbage when you have never met the guy. Why would you do such a thing??? Not a safe thing to do....

And yeah, there is that scammer angle....

....but let's say that the guy IS an honest guy. Has he sent a picture??? If not, why? Why has he not allowed you to see him? And you have been talking to him for how long...???

3 years??? How long has it been since he sent his picture to you? Is it a recent picture?

Let's face it...the guy may have a hidious scare on his face, a partial burn or acid scarred face....You want to live with that? I know that SOUNDS like 'beautiful people' speak, but the truth of the matter is, you choose him, you get to live with him and you might not like what you see 5 years down the road. If you have qualms when you see him now....and believe me, this is something that you NEED to seek out and find advice as to what kind of character are YOU.

I'm gonna toss this letter into the ring of advice that you are getting, Monica. There are a lot of other questions that need to be answered...but the crucial ones are already placed on the board.

May the Lord help you in your quest for a mate...

[monica]

ok. Let me make things clear.

We met 3 years ago, not on the internet, but in the city we were living in. Then one year ago I moved to where I´m now.

So, we know each other quite well. It's on the internet where he told me about his feelings.

Liz, I DO have romantic feeligs towards him. It´s not obligation that would make me feel gulity if I stopped it, but the fact that he is so nice and kind-hearted and doesn´t deserve to have his heart broken.

But I don´t know if I should try to convince (in the good sense) to follow the Lord the way I do or stop "dating" him... He´s precious.

Thanks for the advice, Redwood.

[Denise]

Monica,

I feel that your in that situation........I am thankful that I am married now, lol I don't have to deal with those things anymore...but there are other things that come my way.... anyways.....just speaking from my heart....you said he's precious, and he's more precious to the Lord....he's a soul the Lord loves so much and wants him as His child....you don't have to force the truth on him.....but pray to God...and with care speak the truth when your impressed to do so....another way is sharing silently through literature...send him a nice letter with a piece of literature to read....I would have to pray to God to direct me on how to work on this precious soul....and also for God to show me clearly if this is His will for marriage....I know of an elderly woman who lost her husband 2 years ago, and when they met, he was not a SDA, but through her faithfulness, he seen the fruit in her, and was baptized in the church, and became very active in the church....I am not saying that this is ok for everybody...this is what happened to someone I know. The Lord lead each of us in different paths and ways. Also...another situation....personal experience with myself....I did myself, before this marriage now...marry someone not in the faith, but got baptized just to marry me....never truly converted....and I don't want to get into all the details...but, that didn't work out...it was a horrible mistake....it ended...so, to me....my advice would be PRAY, PRAY, PRAY for direction from the Lord to lead your friend to Him as a personal saviour...of the love God has for him, and how much He loves him....and to give you the wisdom and to see clearly on what to do....from what you wrote on him being kind...that's a good fruit....just keep praying and looking for these things and I know the Lord will help you make a right decision. We'll be praying for you as well....God Bless, Denise :)

[Gail]

Why not have a Bible study?

[monica]

Thanks, Gail, for the advice.

Denise, thanks for encouraging and trying to help me open my eyes. It´s quite a tough call. Only God can help me make the right decision. It´s even more difficult when the person is almost perfect, "more" perfect than all the SDA guys I know.

[Gail]

It's always nice to see you on, Monica :)

[Neil D]

Thanks, Gail, for the advice.

Denise, thanks for encouraging and trying to help me open my eyes. It´s quite a tough call. Only God can help me make the right decision. It´s even more difficult when the person is almost perfect, "more" perfect than all the SDA guys I know.

yeah, it's hard when there are a lot of good guys and gals out there....

Praying is good....but listening to God is just as good...Our hearts get cluttered with thoughts and emotions and wants and desires....Don't be afraid to repeat a prayer or two if you are not getting a clear answer.

Now that we have a bit more information, [that you have met with him, that you are more than electrons on a phospherous screen], I have a few questions....

what was your empression of him during your first meeting? notice any unusual behaviors? things that seem to seem funny now, but some what annoying? If you saw that behavior day after day, would it trouble you after 3 years of seening it, and making excuses for it.

Have you tested the guy yet? See if he will do something for you, or something that you just can't stand? What situations are "deal breakers"? Are you a city person, and he a country person? [or vise versa?} Pray over each of these lists that you are making for yourself, 'cuz, you don't want a repeat of a unhappy marriage....

Monica, this is when your heart is the most vunerable, and the most blind...Really be hard on yourself when you are analysing this....after all, you want this union to be like masking tape ...you want it to stick...:)

[Woody]

Being 'almost perfect' should help. At least it would go a long ways ....

Ok .... here goes .... just be honest with the guy and share your concerns about him not being of your faith and find out how close the guy's faith is compared to yours. Ask him if HE thinks it might be a problem.

[Jeannieb43]

Long-distance romances can be very very tricky. My daughter and her husband had a long-distance romance all through four years of college, even though they had dated face-to-face during academy. The problem becomes: What do you do together for recreation, if you should marry. In other words: If every time you actually see him in person it's always like a "First Date" all over again, and all you do is be romantic -- you never ever learn to adapt to his ways, or he to yours; and you never learn to take long walks together, or go to the park and just t-a-l-k.... etc. My daughter and her husband had some very shaky years during the first part of their marriage. They didn't actually KNOW each other very well at all!

Long distance dating, even without the internet, is very risky.

But when it comes to the internet, the risk is compounded. You "like" him because of the way you feel after reading his emails! But you don't really *know* him, face-to-face -- and maybe you wouldn't even respond well if he were to tell you *in person* that he loves you. Internet relationships are basically fake relationships -- based upon fantasy only.

I happen to have a very close male friend whom I met on the internet. But it was not a dating site. It was a forum based on mutual interests, and I noticed him there 10 years ago because of what intelligent comments he made. He wrote to me directly shortly after he learned my husband had died. Only three years after that did we decide to meet -- and that was at a restaurant, where we each arrived separately in our own cars, and we visited for about an hour and each went our separate ways. Following that we continued our emails and later have met several more times. But although he is a good and dear friend, there are too many differences there [especially my Adventist faith] to risk a marriage -- although that has been discussed. I've seen a lot of failed marriages over the years; I don't want to enter into one of those myself.

I might just mention the age difference, too. Although you don't feel it's much of a problem right now, remember he will grow older and perhaps infirm. Do you want to be taking care of an old, sick spouse?? Especially one with whom you have only a mild interest, when it comes right down to it.

[Woody]

Quote:

Internet relationships are basically fake relationships -- based upon fantasy only.

With all the due respect .... Jeannie I do agree with much of what you say but .... I have to admit that this kind of statement is FAR from the truth. I met my wife online. We found 'internet dating' far more valuable and deep than the shallow dating that goes on in person. We took the time to me honest and forthright. Non-Internet dating does not allow the time and opportunity to share as much as we did online. Of course ... we were completely honest with each other and the later years only proved this to be true.

I would like to rearrange what you said and based on my personal experience ... I would say that

Non-Internet relationships are basically fake relationships -- based on fantasy only.

[Dr. Shane]

Quote:

I know of an elderly woman who lost her husband 2 years ago, and when they met, he was not a SDA, but through her faithfulness, he seen the fruit in her, and was baptized in the church, and became very active in the church....

I have seen similar cases but they are the exception rather than the rule. For every one case like that there are a dozen where marrying a nonbeliever ends up causing strife in the marriage and often divorce.

As we grow in our relationship with Christ our faith becomes more important to us and becomes more woven into the various aspects of our lives. A common faith is the binding glue that allows many marriage to grow together. Without a common faith the two spouses are bound to grow in different directions. As Amos askes, "How can two walk together except they be agreed." As the couple ages and matures together there comes a point when their spiritual intimacy becomes more important to them then sexual intimacy is. Imagine being married to someone you cannot have sex with. What kind of marriage would that be? Being married to someone we cannot share spiritual intimacy with is even worse.

Marrying someone who doesn't share our faith is rather short-sighted.

[Woody]

Is your "faith" Adventism or Christianity?

If it is Adventism ... is it conservative or liberal ... on and on ...

[LifeHiscost]

I need advice, but not the typical Adventist kind of advice. I need HELP!

Monica,

Two things. Number one, advice is based upon opinions and is very much like belly buttons. Everybody has one. Somebody told me except for Adam and possibly Eve.

Number two, whichever belly button__uhhherr, opinion you except, the moment you accept that opinion and act upon it, the one who gave the opinion flies free and you're left to shoulder the application, perhaps for the next 50 years or at least till Jesus comes.

Now I'm not saying there can't be well thought out opinions, but I am saying you will alone pay, along with the person you're enamored with, for the opinion you accept, maybe with a lot of heartache and possibly with the joy of your life.

My personal experience: Having had a tragedy in a failed 1st marraige, I didn't trust myself to make a correct decision for another risky 13 years no matter what the advice of others might be.

I dated about 12 different women/girls, one at a time, until at a certain time I could tell myself and the Lord this was the person I felt would add to the happiness we could share with each other for the rest of our lives. However I wanted Him to have the last choice of decision and asked Him to show me plainly whether He agreed with my choice.

Lo and behold for each of 11 of the twelve, shortly within a week or two of that request, some circumstance happened sometimes completely outrageous, that it was easy for me to conclude I would never be able to live with whatever person it was I placed before the Lord in prayer.

Did my patience, a gift of God, turn out to bring the results for which I was looking? Would 31, that's thirty one, years of wedded bliss with nary an arguement for the first 20-22 years be a good enough miracle to elicit your trust in the answer Jesus is willing to give you if you ask Him, and trust Him above any other person?

It is important to remember we, my wife and self, were in our forties when we tied the knot, a side bar too involved to go into at this time.

"Keep on asking and it will be given you; keep on seeking and you will find; keep on knocking [reverently] and [the door] will be opened to you" Matthew 7:7 AMP

Regards!

[monica]

Thanks to everybody for the advice. It really is a tough decision for me, now things seem to be more hopeful to me and if they get hopeless again I will read your pieces of advice one more time.

For some people it´s so easy to find the right person, for others it´s almost impossible.

Youth is full of difficulties.

[olger]

Hello Sister:

Dating & evangelism are not a good mix.

What is the age difference?

Have either of you been married?

[monica]

Hello, Olger:

I know, I know

The age difference is a bit big: over 10 years. Does it matter? What does it have to do? (I like older guys, they are more stable and mature.)

Neither of us has been married.

[olger]

Hi Monica.

Age is of lesser importance than certain other issues.

The real important question I am focused on is what kind of unresolved issues are both partners bringing into the relationship?

If those are resolved biblically, and the Lord is bringing you together then I see no problem. If those are not resolved, they will begin manifesting themselves within 60-days after the honeymoon wears off.

Remember, people are on their best behavior during the dating period. There is one other issue that should be addressed, feel free to PM my wife & I for counsel in that area.

One more thing...

If the relationship gets serious I recommend both of you spending some time with a Biblical Counselor to help both of you resolve spiritual issues (like Freedom Hills in Ohio or Biblical Concepts in Colorado Springs). Neither one of them charge for their ministry.

The dating period is a special time,

ger

John 15:16