Caregiving

[GreatLakesGramma]

Is there another member here who is (or has in the past) caring for a dying parent? My 90 year old father in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 weeks ago, & came to live out his few remaining weeks or months with us the next day. I had only one day to prepare, as we were expecting him to go home from the hospital to recover, not come here to die.

Dad has gone downhill very fast. When he arrived, he was walking, with a walker, but now he is completely bedridden, sleeps most of the time, can't speak clearly, and sometimes not at all, etc. I am feeling quite depressed at times, especially when I see the look of distress on his face but he can't tell me what the problem is so that I can do something about it. Then at other times, he is more alert and comfortable, and it doesn't bother me so much.

This is the man I posted the article about 3 years ago, when he got married at the age of 87. He had less than 3 years with this precious second wife, as she died in February. He has had visitors nearly every day since he came here. Today & last Friday are the only days no one came, and I was praying for a break both times. I am finding it very difficult to get everything done that must be done, & to take proper care of Dad, with all the interruptions. I am going to try to find time to make a "Do Not Disturb" sign for the door, so I can have an uninterrupted nap when I need it.

[Amelia]

I can certainly feel some of what you are going through. But my mother was only 59 when I was called home from college to deal with all that goes with one ailing parent and one parent in denile. Mother passed just short of her 60th birthday from breast cancer. In her early years she had Bulbar Polio and was in an iron lung. Her cancer treatment had to revolve around the fact that she had lost the ability to vomit. Mom had surgery and some drug therapy and was doing well for a while. Then quite literally overnight she declined and was hospitilised. Shortly thereafter, even before we could move her to hospice, she passed. All this time later I can't tell you how I dealt with it all. The doctors. The therapy. Trying to get her to eat and move around. Her depression. And my father. Who went to work, came home and treated it all like it wasn't there. My sister had her own life and career so her time was limited. My brother was out of state and out of the picture until the funeral. Maybe some part of me didn't want to remember all that. Or maybe it was a sanity reaction in my brain. Maybe I am a bad child that I don't remember. Funny though, I do remember my sister calling me on the phone and chewing me out for thinking of myself one weekend during the summer and going off to visit friends out of town.

For your sanity. Make that sign!!! "Caregiver on break. Back in 2 hours". Or simply "No visitors today, thank you". Whatever it will take for you to have a break. Remember, just because someone rings the doorbell doesn't mean you have to answer. People should be calling first anyway. Oh and no matter what plans you make for after then end, we found people can make plans for you. After moms memorial service so many people came up and had food, plants. flowers etc and asked where the wake was being held, I had to race home and tidy before they all arrived. Couldn't very well turn friends and family away. At least they all made sure dad ate something.

Amelia

[GreatLakesGramma]

The problem with the visitors was in large part because it is the other daughter-in-law that has been calling everyone to tell them, as I don't have time, and they would tell her that they were going to visit, and probably figured that was good enough. Also, when my husband goes up to take care of matters at his dad's farm, he visits with some of the neighbors and tells them what's happening. They will tell him, "I'll visit on ---day", and he says OK. So I've told both husband and sister in law to tell people to call and talk to ME before they come. This has helped.

Some of the people who've come have driven as much as 2 or 3 hours to get here, so I hate to turn them away entirely. Between the other 2 telling them to call, and the sign(s) I hope to make, things should soon be under control.

[GreatLakesGramma]

By the way, it doesn't help matters any that exactly one week before Dad came to stay, our house was hit by a tornado, and I am trying to deal with issues relative to that too. And today, I drove my husband's 25th anniversary special edition Mustang convertible to church, and when I put the top down to come home, the rear window broke.

[LynnDel]

Oh dear, Catherine - it seems as if you are inundated! I can certainly understand your frustrations. You are in my prayers.

Hugs,

[GreatLakesGramma]

I got my signs made - 2 of them. One says "Do not disturb. Caregiver napping. Come back in one hour." The other says "No visitors. Aide and/or nurse is with patient. Please come back in one hour." The nurse liked my signs when she saw them today.

It might not make much difference now, though. The nurse said Dad only has a few days left.

[Liz]

(((((Hugs)))) and Prayers.

[Gail]

Rear window broke? Is it glass or vinyl, like mine?

An old friend of mine died a couple days ago. The family called me to go see her as she wasn't expected to live long. I sat down beside her, held her hand, and she said to me, "Going downhill"...

I was glad to have seen her one more time before she passed. Those moments are some of the most gutsy, earthy times we have to pass in this life.

I'm so glad that you have the opportunity to do this, Catherine. I wish you strength and wisdom to endure the lack of sleep and the stress. God bless!

[Amelia]

Praying for you and the family.

[GreatLakesGramma]

Thank you ladies, for your prayers. Dad passed away Tuesday at 12:38 PM. The funeral is Sunday, visitation tomorrow.

[Stan]

Catherine

I hope you can put something in the obituary section here. AND please, please tell is more about your Father. His life, just everything..

Please...

[GreatLakesGramma]

Well Stan, I originally included the URL for the online obituary in my post, but removed it before I posted it, because it lists our full names and where we live, and I don't feel it's safe to post that kind of information in a forum. After it's all over and everything is settled down somewhat, I'll post an edited version, along with the photo, in the obituaries. I'll also try to find the time to tell you all a little bit about Dad.

We are going to be very busy once we get started going through the house & barn. Dad was a farmer. In fact, he was born on the same farm he lived on for all but the first 20 years or so of his marriage. We lived there too, for the first couple of years of our married life, in a mobile home next to their house. Our daughter was born there, at home on the farm. And though we moved away for awhile, we moved back and lived in a second mobile home in the same spot for a few years, including the year that our twin sons were born. So all of our kids have lived there, and were often in the habit of going over to Grandma's when they were allowed (or sent) outside to play.

I am going to go to the farm alone sometime in the next week, to walk the fields and woods and remember.

[GreatLakesGramma]

Just a PS: This is my father-in-law, not my own father. My own parents are both still living. They are quite a bit younger than my husband's parents were.

[Neil D]

not sure what to say, so forgive my bluntness, and my forthrightness....

Your posts remind me of my father when he died during my senior year in high school. Every few years, I go back tothe town where I grew up and visit the places where he/i lived. There is a lot of sadness, and great moments....there is his face, smiling, and working, and joking....It is a great cathartic [sp] to do all that remembering....

...and then there is the bible verse that says-

Isaiah 25:8

...he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces;...

yeah, remembering is a good thing....