Indignation

[Bravus]

Just something I've been noticing about myself lately, that I don't like much. Maybe it has application for you too, but that's for you to decide (read The Disclaimer).

The times I get angry or upset about something someone posts, it's almost always about me and my wounded pride. It's about 'how dare s/he speak to me like that?' or 'how dare s/he say those things about {group I belong to}?' Occassionally I guess I get outraged over something someone says or does to someone else, but mostly it's hurt pride...

I don't know whether this is the case for anyone else, but I'm working on trying to 'de-centre' a bit: to try to think about what the person needs and how I can be helpful, or about how to help others who that person's actions might have hurt, rather than to defend myself, my ideas, etc. Doesn't mean I lose my opinions or start agreeing with everyone, but hopefully it means I fight and bite a lot less and listen and think a lot more.

[Nicodema]

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The times I get angry or upset about something someone posts, it's almost always about me and my wounded pride. It's about 'how dare s/he speak to me like that?' or 'how dare s/he say those things about {group I belong to}?'

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I'd like to borrow a bit of your disclaimer here and say that my responses are meant to describe how I think and feel and not try to (a) tell you what you should think and feel or ( make any kind of definitive claim about any unilateral absolutism that can never be subject to dispute. That out of the way ...

Basically I consider that (stuff quoted above from yours) part of the abusive programming and the toxic meme: we are meant to feel that way because it serves their agenda to be permitted to get away with it (abuse, causing harm to others, harboring self-righteousness, exercising self-serving attitudes, etc.) unscathed and unchallenged by reality. If such programming can be "invoked" (called upon) to make it seem or sound the fault of the one being mistreated that they are mistreated, and not the fault and responsibility of the one doing the mistreatment, then the abuse is "deserved" -- therefore not only justified but Right -- and thus the victim has no right to "complain". This "justified and right" can take many forms, not the least of which are the classics like Love-Substitute and Only-For-Your-Own-Good.

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Occassionally I guess I get outraged over something someone says or does to someone else

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This is basically what I use to "reality-check" myself about the above dynamics. It is my keen sense of awareness that the flaw is inherent in the system, that the system is intrinsically abusive in its structure, that helps here. It is also my keen sense of awareness that even in the moment I am "fighting and biting" on my own behalf, it is the principle that consumes me, not my own personal "favor". Matter of fact the latter is little more than a nuisance and a confusing one at that, providing ammo for cheap shots in the hands of the petty.

In other words, I decentralize, so to speak, by responding to the principle rather than to the specificity of target as being myself or another. It basically does not matter to me where the target lies, and I do not consider the experience of myself being made the target or unwitting recipient to be any more or less (important distinction there) valid than anyone else being made the target or unwitting recipient. It is the issue and the principle which are at stake. Am I more likely to notice it when I am the target? Probably, since this is the only skin I am forced to live inside. Does that necessarily mean anything? Nope. I react just as strongly to the principle when I happen to perceive someone else being targetted.

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I'm working on trying to 'de-centre' a bit: to try to think about what the person needs and how I can be helpful, or about how to help others who that person's actions might have hurt, rather than to defend myself, my ideas, etc

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When I seek to "de-center" as you put it, I try to imagine that the other could possibly be approaching from something other than an abusive agenda, or I try to consider that they also may be the victims of a successful one and not even realize it. It is way easier for me to "de-center" with people who show themselves to be ENTIRE PEOPLE -- that is, I can catch glimpses of compassion, fun, humor, depth of thought, etc. in them despite strong disagreements -- than with those whose only presentation toward me is the face of the unrelenting beast. On the whole, however, trying to "de-center" doesn't help and in the end makes matters worse. It's as if the effort itself is resented, because the feedback I get tells me it is not welcome with this other person for me to be anything other than something they can easily demonize or villianize.

Again, just my 2 cents, about my experiences.

[Pockey]

Hey Bravus, I hear you. I feel the exact same way.