Inappropriate for someone 13 years older to hang out with somoene youn

[Doug]

I am mutual friends with a girl through a couple of other people, and she has an annual pass to a theme park. I am thinking of purchasing one because I like to go. This girl, who is 21, tells me that she would like to let her know when I go because she has a pass and would like to use it. I don't feel comfortable about this, and 1 other person told me that it isn't a good idea for me to be alone with her. Now I don't have any sort of attraction for her, i think she is a really nice person, and I don't think anything would happen.

Then on the other hand I do have other mutual friends I know around the same age or younger. I think it boils down to knowing your limits. Like someone else said, I am not entering any sort of relationship or purchasing anything illegal for any of them.

thoughts?

[Bravus]

If my maths are right, you're 34 and she's 21. IMO if both of you are mature and enjoy one another's company that's not a problem. She'll have less life experience, but you can be friends... and I hope we wouldn't unnecessarily narrow our range of friends. You might have to put up with the wagging tongues of jealous others with no lives, so take it into account, but (again IMO) it's between you, her and God.

[Bravus]

(I'm answering from the perspective of someone almost another 13 years (well, 11) older than you, with a daughter only a couple of years younger than her)

[Gregory Matthews]

It apears that you are both adults who are competent to make decisions about your lives. Therefore, the age difference should be an individiual decision that the two of you should jointly make. IF age is the only negative consideration that people bring up do not worry about it. However, if people are telling you that there is something in the woman's character that suggests that you should not be alone with her, consider it.

By the way, I assume that as a 21 YO she is an adult woman and not a girl.

[GreatLakesGramma]

Doug, if YOU feel uncomfortable about it, that should be enough for you to base your decision on. It doesn't really matter what other people say, unless, as Gregory has said, there is something negative they know about this young woman's character.

[phkrause]

I agree with all the advice that people have given. Let me add that I also see no problem if you are both of age and mature about the reasons you are going to the amusement park. There is nothing wrong with being friends. But do realize as we see someone a lot things have a tendence to change.

pk

[Neil D]

By the way, I assume that as a 21 YO she is an adult woman and not a girl.

I don't want to highjack this thread, but it appears that exploration of maturity in relation to relationships is in order.

Gregory, what is meant by the above? Please expand what you mean here....

Catherine,

If "uncomfortableness" is the guide to doing or having a relationship, please explain why a person who doesn't feel "uncomfortable" with the same activity is ok...If going out with a 21 year old with 34 year old might not be a good thing, then why might a 40 year old going out with a 53 year old more likely to be an "ok thing"?

Just askin' questions folk...not out to start a large argument...just a discussion

[Nan]

Like most others here.....while in theory I see nothing wrong with 2

mature adults hanging out together in a public place, Doug seems to have

other reservations. Given those reservations, going to the park with

the lady in question may not be such a good thing for him to do.

[Bravus]

I guess the short answer, Neil, is that people mature at different rates, for a wide variety of different reasons, and people at 21 can be extremely 'young' or quite adult in their world view, outlook and ways of behaving. No matter what the law says, some 21 year olds are not adults...

I guess we could say that some 40 year olds aren't really either! But as a general rule, brain development goes on until the mid-20s, so 21 year olds are literally still growing up.

[Outta Here]

The age variance makes no difference. If two kids want to hang out at an amusement park for a season, what does it matter? Kids will be kids!

[Gregory Matthews]

Neil D:

Here is part of what the dictionary says in regard to the defination of the word "girl.:

1) One who has not yet attained womanhood.

2) A female child.

I well recognize that the dictionary also gives some more benign definations. However, the above definations are quite negative as they relate to a female 21 years of age. Many women would be offended by them.

My question was more to examine the context in which the one who began the thread sees the woman. If he sees her as an adult that places the question in one context. However, if he sees her as a female child who has not reached womanhood, that places this question in another context and there are now likely to be other issues involved.

[Gregory Matthews]

I agree with all the advice that people have given. Let me add that I also see no problem if you are both of age and mature about the reasons you are going to the amusement park. There is nothing wrong with being friends. But do realize as we see someone a lot things have a tendence to change.

pk

So what if things have atendancyt o change?

My first wife and I differend in age by about 18 months.

My second wife and I differ in age by almost 14 years. This marriage has lassted for over 23 years--a lot longer than my first marriage lasted.

[Gregory Matthews]

The age variance makes no difference. If two kids want to hang out at an amusement park for a season, what does it matter? Kids will be kids!

O. K. as to kids.

I don't think that we have two kids here, even if they are acting as such, which they may not be.

[phkrause]

My daughter at age 21/22 dated a 33 YO. They actually had a very good relationship (I wished that she would've stay with this guy, he was a friend and co-worker, so I kind of knew him, but like anything else how well do you know anyone?) Its been all downhill for her since. She's now gone out with, in my opinion jerks, and they were and are a little younger than her. Had always heard that a woman should be older than a man by a few years? So to me I think that Doug should be OK. But like Bravus said some are mature at an early age some are not. I knew a 16 YO that married a guy who was in his late 20s, there still married and doing very well.

pk

[GreatLakesGramma]

I don't believe the age difference is the real issue here, not with Doug, at least. It does seem to be the issue with his friends. But Doug himself feels uncomfortable. In my experience, that is almost always a warning, whether from God, or from an unconscious awareness, that something is not right with the situation. It is always well to heed the warning.

If possible, by prayer and self-examination, you might find out what the real issue is. If it's a warning from God, He usually brings that awareness once he has my attention and I've stepped back.

Doug, I also asked my 25 year old son's opinion. He said that if it were him, he might feel uncomfortable because of what the critics who are telling you it's wrong might think of him. What other people might think is not a valid reason to avoid something or someone, but if you can't get over the discomfort, it will make you miserable the entire time you are with her. So you still would probably be better off not taking her along.

Now that you have heard from us older Christians, the most important thing for you to do is pray and seek God's guidance. He's promised that if you really want to do His will, He will tell you what it is.

[LifeHiscost]

Now that you have heard from us older Christians, the most important thing for you to do is pray and seek God's guidance. He's promised that if you really want to do His will, He will tell you what it is.

Not suggesting this would fit every scenario, but Adam and Eve hadn't known each other very long before they joined each other in holy matrimony. Look where their minds led them (and us).

My present wife and I were wed 6 weeks after having first met. No spiritual adviser of earthly origin was convinced we were making a good decision. I'm not sure what they think now that we've been with each other for 33 years and still hold hands when we go shopping. This below is the reason we believe we still enjoy greater happiness today than when first wed.

"Except the LORD build the house, they labor in vain that build it. Except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain."

Psalm 127:2 21st Century KJV

Blessings!

[phkrause]

Excellent post LHC, my wife and I this past Nov 28 have been together now 38 years and most definitely that verse you posted is the reason why. I tell my daughter and all my niece's and nephew's that ask, that they need to put God first in there lives.

pk

[Outta Here]

My grandmother and grandfather were 15 years apart in age. My grandmother has been a widow now for 24 years. We expect she'll live for at least another 10 more. Kind of sad when you think about it really. Grandpa died of Alzheimer's when he was 76. He started losing his mind when he was 70. Technically, Grandma's been "alone" in her home for 30 years now. Add the next 10 years on to that, it'll be a total of 40 years.

I'm thinking it would be nice to be able to grow old together with my husband, rather than one of us doing it at a time.

[GreatLakesGramma]

My father in law was 8 years older than my mother in law. She had a stroke that changed her personality and took her short term memory, then after years of physical and mental deterioration, she died, about 10 years before he did. Being older doesn't mean you'll go first.

[Outta Here]

My dad died when he was 56 of Alzheimer's disease. I know all too well that there is no guarantee as to who'll go first.

Statistically, women are expected to outlive men by approximately 5 years. Taking this into account, a woman who is 15 years younger than her husband can EXPECT to live about 20 years after her partner dies. With advances in modern medicine, that EXPECTED gap may actually increase to 21 or even 22 years.

Being older doesn't mean you'll go first. But being older does mean you're MORE LIKELY to go first. I've never met anyone who thought that being older would mean they'd MORE LIKELY outlive their younger mate. But I have met plenty of older folk who believe the statistical data which says that they'll MORE LIKELY be the first to go.

[LifeHiscost]

Excellent post LHC, my wife and I this past Nov 28 have been together now 38 years and most definitely that verse you posted is the reason why. I tell my daughter and all my niece's and nephew's that ask, that they need to put God first in there lives.

pk

Congratulations, Pk And praise the Lord. A happy marital union is probably one of God's greatest and most enjoyable miracles. Your advice to the next generation will be instrumental in many moments of joy. For you as well as those who heed your advice.

"Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD."Prov 18:22 KJV

Blessings!

P.S. Tomorrow, Dec 4 is our wedding anniversary. We're hoping the next one will be in the kingdom, which is not beyond reason IMHO.

[Cosmin M.]

My mother is 10 years younger then my father. :)

[Nan]

Hi Cosmin, nice to see you back.

I too have known marriages with a wide age difference which worked well, my sister in 14 years younger than her husband.

[monica]

I would like to have an older husband. :)

[nuff sed]

Monica, You'll have to wait......My wife said, "There can be only one!") (I think that she was quoting The Highlander"...<gg>