International Terror Alert Levels

[Tom Wetmore]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "[censored] Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British Army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white-flag factory --effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased their alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Military Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is that NATO will pull out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully-designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

Americans, meanwhile, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies -- just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels -- from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the Air Force is a squadron of teenagers flying paper airplanes, and the Navy has some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bathtub), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of an invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

[Stan]

:)

[Steve Billiter]

Tom, who wrote this? This is hilarious!

[Neil D]

Love it!!!!

Am passing it on to my Ozzie daughter...I am sure that she will have some bombastic comment for me....heheeheheheheh