Question By "NotReligious" About Relationship

[NotReligious]

I am new to this forum and do not know how to post. I chose this forum to post on because there are so many users. Perhaps one of you may help me. I have been dating a man for a year now. We are very different on many levels. Raised in two different countries and facing completely different trials in our life. On no level are we alike at all down to the food we eat. But the attraction has been so strong. Not physical attraction were we are so high on making love it defines us. Nope, we actually waited over 5 months into the relationship before that came about. We are so drawn to each other as though our souls are connected. Soul mates. We argue, we compromise, we love STRONG. So where's the problem????

He is a 7th day Adventist and I am not religious. I am spiritual but I do not believe in religion. He is in church all day on Saturday. As a girlfriend I tried not to make this an issue. I wanted to simply work on our relationship. Iron out some of our differences and then if we ever got closer...NOW WE ARE THAT CLOSE.

We have been dating for what is going on one year now. He gave me the keys to his apartment. What a HUGE thing. What a level of trust. I never lived with a man or married one before, but I can tell you that "keys" is FULL access to him. That is trust on a strong level. We don't live together or spend nights with each other; but the key was symbolic of a shift in trust between us.

Recently we discussed marriage. But again the religion is an issue. He is an Adventist and must worship from sunrise to sunset. I am a woman who has been emotionally scared since youth who honestly can not commit to a life time of more rejection. For so long I have been considered "Weird, odd, not normal, a screw up, ignorant, too fat, too dumb." I aimed for a degree in Physics just to prove to the world I was not so stupid. I got the degree as well as one in math and British literature. Yet still I was considered "Dumb" by all those who judged me including my family. My entire life I have never been "Good enough not even for my parents." Always unworthy and rejected. Now here comes my soul mate offering me a marriage of inequality.

This will never work for me for two reasons:

A. I am a world traveler. A Sagittarius who loves to go, go, go. Saturday is my only full day off. Sunday is not a day convient for overnight trips because I must go to work the next morning. Its not convient also because most things close at 5pm. So Sunday is important to me. As a girlfriend I never really complained because I did not know if we would make it this far. So far we want to be together. I never knew I would love him this way. So I made it work even though it was hard. However as a wife I can not commit to a life time of never, ever seeing my husband on a Saturday because he is in church. I am too insecure from so many past mental abuses to be that alone FOREVER.

B I have been rejected my whole life. I have been alone my whole life. I may have money and education and all the things people desire. Maybe everyone wants a Jaguar fully paid for. Maybe everyone wants to have no dept. Maybe everyone wants a masters degree. To have written my first novel and was published recently. Yet those who claim to love me have even scrutinized the color choice of my car, the novel I published and the degree I earned. I can't be rejected even in marriage.

I just want to be accepted. I just want to be important to somebody.

I cant marry a man who is seperate from me even in marriage. Someone who still even in marriage sees me as unequal and unworthy.

I hurt on so many levels. I wish I don’t feel like this but I have my entire life. I asked him if we could bend. If he takes two Saturday's and goes to church and gives me two Saturdays a month to travel with me. I asked him if we could compromise. I would go to his church, learn his religion. I just need a compromise on the Saturday. He said no. It is not God’s will. The Sabbath is too important. He said it is not his day to give. That he can do anything I want but spend time with me on a Sabbath. Please tell me , why on earth was I so stupid to get involved to this degree? We are in love but how can we ever do this if we cant compromise on Saturdays? Any help from this forum would be appreciated.

[Neil D]

This is a relationship issue, not a doctrinal one.

You boyfriend is already "married"...I put that in quotes because he is devoted to God, hence the word "marriage".

Apparently, God is trying to get to you...thru him...And God is trying to get you to look at Him...He wants a relationship with you...He has a relationship with your boyfriend...I imagine that your boyfriend is praying over you and about you and is concerned for you....

If you marry him without getting to know God, as your boyfriend knows Him, you will be unevenly yoked. You will, EVENTUALLY, feel chained to this man and feel sufficated by him...all because of his religion.

This man had better be nice to you and treat you far better than you have been treated by your peers or your family...And the only way that will happen is if you understand his God and the reasons that He has imposed upon His people....

As this current dating situation is, he is on perious grounds because he is dating you....He is risking a lot...He is risking his God for you...

Ask him to study the bible with you, and to find a small group that studies the bible that he is comfortable with....Then go with him....ask the hard questions...thoroughly review the answers that you have recieved....If you find the Master Shepard, you might find yourself healed of all the abuses that you have encountered....

....and find that you have found a Pearl of great price and a prince of a husband....

[Guest]

I think that you going to his church and learning his religion is a good idea. There is no reason he cannot spend time with you on Sabbath. Especially if you are willing to do that. If he is so devoted to keeping the Sabbath, and to the church, then I would have to ask the question: why is he looking to marry someone who knows nothing about it, and takes no part in it?

[Guest]

If you marry him without getting to know God, as your boyfriend knows Him, you will be unevenly yoked. You will, EVENTUALLY, feel chained to this man and feel sufficated by him...all because of his religion.

Don't you think the boyfriend should know this? What the Bible says about being unequally yoked?

I would not be so quick to say this man has a marriage relationship with God. From looking at some of the things he is doing, this may not be the case at all.

[Guest]

I just want to be accepted. I just want to be important to somebody.

You ARE accepted and important to somebody. His name is Jesus. If and when you discover this for yourself, to be true. It will change everything, and He can heal the scars from the past.

[olger]

Dear NR:

We counsel a lot of premarital and married couples in our ministry. Sometimes they ask me if I think they are a “good match.” I do my best to avoid making their decisions for them while providing principles that will help. In a couple cases I recommended that they not marry.

1. A couple needs some things in common. Take two quarters and hold them so they overlap about 30%. You & "he" need to overlap in several areas. You need to have some similar goals, likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, values, and convictions, and most of all spiritual oneness. Notice that you don’t overlap 100%. That’s ok. You will have strengths that he doesn’t and he will have strengths that you lack. This can be a blessing as God puts two lives together. It’s that way for Nancy & I too. Both unique yet united.

2. During the courting period, you and "he" love to talk. The girl wants to find out what the guy is all about and the guy wants to find out what the girl is all about. Doing this, you are building something special. Emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is a foundation, made of bricks & mortar. It is strong ! Unless the relationship turns physical…

3. That brings me to the physical aspect. The sexual aspect of a person is a beautiful part of how God created them. However…if your relationship (or any dating couple) turns physical during the dating period, the emotional intimacy stops. Stops. No more bricks, no more mortar (unless it is biblically resolved and forsaken). From that point on, the guy is not interested in the girl’s heart. His focus now is on “how can we be alone?” And it’s the same for the girl. When/if the relationship turns physical while dating you will be fighting within two weeks. I guarantee it. Two weeks. Dating couples come in and I ask them “So how are you guys getting along in your relationship?” “Oh, we were having a blast for three months. But it seems like lately we have been arguing a lot….” Big red flag.

4. How much touching is appropriate? Here is Uncle Gerry’s counsel . Holding hands is fine. A kiss on the cheek every thirty days is fine. No frontal hugging (a guy’s body will respond to that) no French kissing. Let me be blunt. Arousing each other sexually on dates is almost as bad as premarital sex. In some ways it’s worse. I call that “defrauding” (1 Timothy 4). It awakens all those desires with no way to release them. It also brings the same consequences as premarital sex: guilt, shame fear, conflict, lack of respect, financial loss, rejection. Not a pretty list.

5. A Man will protect a woman/girl. A male will take what he can get from them. Girls, you know he’s in love with you when he wants to protect you more than he wants to “do it.” Short-term fantasy (imaginary satisfaction) is when a girl thinks “He’s in love with me because we are having sex.” After a while, he gets bored, and I get a call from a crying girl saying “I don’t know what happened. I thought we were so close. I loved him.. I loved him…” instead of actually getting to know somebody. Being frank again: Some women are pigs. A pig wants gratification now instead of long-term satisfaction. Same with guys! I say this broadly, girls are making it so easy for guys to take advantage of them. Sex without a foundation of love, commitment, respect gets boring. That’s why they move on to the next girl or guy.

6. Dating & evengelism is generally a bad mix.

7. Living together is a real bad choice. It lowers the already shaky success rate of marriage. It results in increased depression 3.3 times. It raises the likelihood of abuse & physical violence almost 9-times. That's not a typo. Almost 9-times. It puts a person on trial, instead of each giving 100% which results in less satisfaction, and less security and less happiness. A couple that we worked with two year ago lived together and then broke up. They both said they would never do it again, after experiencing all the pain, and damage. Good for them. Marry first. Then live together.

Thanks for being open and honest. If this discussion is too public, my wife can respond to you in private.

blessings,

Gerry Wagoner

director

One Achord Counseling

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

Don't become an Adventist just to get the guy to marry you. If you don't believe in what the SDA church teaches, then look for someone else. Otherwise you both will end up resenting each other.

Have you ever thought of getting counseling to help with your low self-esteem? It seems like you are relying on everyone else to give you a sense of value.

[olger]

good

g

[phkrause]

NotReligious, some excellent advice has been given, hopefully there is something you will be able to take to heart or use.

[Woody]

Not Religious ... thanks for coming here and for your questions and concerns.

After reading your post I have to believe that you are very insightful and wise. You are correct that there is an inequality here. The Bible says that we are not to be unequally yoked. And this refers to our beliefs. If your friend is honest with God ... he will not marry you. This does not mean that you are a bad person ... it just means that marrying someone who does not share an desire to put God first ... will just lead to heartache in the marriage.

But if he is NOT serious about his faith then I see no problem. Like someone else said I think ... don't even THINK of joining this church just to make him happy. That is just a disaster waiting to happen.

Sorry to say ... I think you should just chalk this up as an interesting experience and find another soul mate.

Hope you aren't offended by my bluntness.

[Nic Samojluk]

We are in love but how can we ever do this if we cant compromise on Saturdays?

If he is a true Seventh-day Adventist he will never compromise on the Sabbath because a true SDA believes that the Seventh day of the week belongs to the Lord; if he is an Adventist in name only, you don't want to marry him, because if he is not fithful to his sacred committmets, he will be likewise unfaithful to you.

Nevertheless, if you join the Adventist community, you will discover that there are many delightful things you can do on the Sabbath.

[John317]

Very good points, olger.

[karl]

I recommend that you invest the time and money to read a book entitled "Mindy." It is the story of an Adventist woman who married a non-Adventist man, so the gender roles are reversed but the principles are the same. It will be a relatively effortless way to get insight into what you are contemplating with the man you are dating.

You can order it used from Amazon for less than five bucks ($.45 for the book, $4 for the shipping - how ridiculous is that?) http://www.amazon.com/Mindy-June-Strong/dp/0812701399

Having the key to His apartment and having the key to his heart are two different things.

[Nan]

Lots of good advice...something in your post screams out at me, NotReligious, that is not directly related to the religion issues....one poster has touched on it.

The best relationships occur when two whole people come together in love, each to complement the other on many levels.

There is much more stress when one partner has a stranglehold on the other, because of low selfesteem, feelings of inadequacy, etc. Eventually the 'strong' partner will come to feel suffocated.

I am just trying to sound a warning, not telling you what you should do. Whether you and your partner make a lifetime commitment or not, I believe your future will be much brighter if you can work your way through these issues of self esteem and selfworth.