“THE MORTAL WHO FELL INTO THE SWAMP”

[teresaq]

AN ALLEGORY BY JIM AYARS

Once upon a time, there was a mean, old nasty swamp. It was a pretty good swamp, as swamps go; it had everything any self-respecting swamp could ever ask for; lots of muck; quicksand in all the best strategic places; slippery paths criss-crossing everywhere; dead trees along the paths and in between; and of course, its main feature; stagnant water, not to mention, old rotted logs, and mosquitoes. Not only that, it stank!

One day, the old swamp was just sitting around minding its own business and happily bubbling up methane gas when a mortal went by.

“Hmm!” thought the swamp. But that’s all he thought about it though; mortals were always going by. He settled back and bubbled some more. He didn’t bubble too long however, before the mortal went by again, then again, and again!

Poor Mortal Goes in Circles

“This is getting monotonous,” thought the swamp. It was pretty obvious that the poor creature was lost and going in circles. The old swamp was pretty interested in all this by now. For one thing, he had built up quite a taste for mortals; they had such a delicate flavor. He also noticed that his marsh gas supply was running rather low, and now was as good a time as any to replenish his supply.

So the old swamp set about doing the delicious task of swallowing a mortal. It was quite easy to do, really; the swamp had done it dozens of times. He’d just tip one of the paths slightly and let the thing slip into the mud. Then he’d settle back and let him turn into swamp gas. It was as easy as that.

The next time the mortal came by, the swamp did just as it had planned. Shloop! Into the muck went the mortal. But this mortal wasn’t even about to die without a good fight. So he began screaming for help and grabbing for branches and logs and things. But the swamp was an old hand at swallowing mortals. He had picked a place from which there was no escape. Things were looking rather dismal for the mortal.

Meanwhile, off at the edge of the swamp, on a sunny knoll, there was a little group of Christian mortals busy fanning a little camp fire under a big pot of theology. They’d been trying all day long to come up with some new recipes. They were tired of the old stuff and wanted some new flavors. They’d had enough of the old tasteless staples; they wanted some new, exciting dishes. It was a new age.

There was one who was reading his recipe book when he thought that he heard a splash and a scream for help.

“Hmm!” sounds like someone has fallen into the swamp.” He mumbled to himself. He got up and looked into the swamp. Sure enough, someone had fallen into the swamp. He quickly ran over to the others and breathlessly shouted, “Someone has fallen into the swamp!” They all turned and ran to see. “Yup, it surely looks like someone has fallen into the swamp.”

Christians Vote To Help

They gathered in a circle and began a very heated discussion. Some said one thing and others said another. Pretty soon, though, they took a vote. Then one mortal, the leader of the group, solemnly rose to his feet and said, “We have taken a vote and have unanimously agreed that someone has fallen into the swamp.” Everyone cheered!

This was the first decision they’d agreed upon all day. It was exciting. They all settled down and began studying their recipe books to see if they had anything to say about mortals falling into the swamps.

After a few minutes, one of them shouted, “I’ve found it! In Hohodone 5:12 it says, “Three years after the opening of the fifteenth ivy leaf, a mortal shall fall into the swamp.”

They all checked their history books and hour glasses, and sure enough it was the third year after the opening of the fifteenth ivy leaf. They shouted for joy and then settled back to discuss all the possible implications of the prophecy.

After a few moments of deep discussion, one suddenly suggested, “Why don’t we help the poor mortal?”

This was a new idea, so once again they huddled in heated discussion, after which they took another vote. Then the leader stood up and said, “We have voted and decided that we should study our recipe books and discover if helping mortals is a part of our creed.”

So they settled down again and one cried, “Here it is! In Evengelion 3:11 it says, “All Christian mortals must help other mortals who fall into swamps.”

This excited everyone and taking a vote, they unanimously declared, “In the light of the evidence, we must strive to help this mortal who has fallen into the swamp.”

At that, everyone ran to the edge of the little hillock and tried to think of a way to help the poor mortal who had fallen into the swamp.

Recipe Book Reveals Slogan

One person, after reading his recipe book to see if there was any emergency rule about pulling mortals out of swamps, began yelling his favorite “gettin-out-of-the-swamp” slogan:

“When your feet are sinking low, And you would to dry land go, Jesus saves.”

But the poor mortal didn’t seem to hear; he sank a little deeper.

Another stood straight and tall, and pointing a crooked finger, said in sarcastic tones:

“You dumb mortal! You turned left instead of right at the fourth stump. You knew, but you wanted to go your own way. Now you’re suffering the consequences.”

The mortal, of course, was very glad to know that, but only sank a little deeper.

Mortal Hit With Proof-Texts

Another came; he knelt and prayed to the Great Spirit.... “Oh Great Spirit, make a tree fall 12 inches to the left of the poor mortal who fell into the swamp, that he might pull himself to safety and repent of his evil ways.”

No tree fell.

Another strode to the edge and, beaming a bright smile, said, “If you ever have any trouble getting out of the swamp, come up to my office. I’ll be glad to talk it over with you.”

However, the poor creature could hardly keep his nose above water, let alone come up to some office and shoot the breeze.

Another was hurriedly collecting little branches and logs. He began throwing them out to the poor mortal who fell in the swamp, but some went too far, others not far enough; some sank, others caught in tree branches. It was frustrating. He finally found a big hollow log, though, filled it full of threats, proof-texts, tracts, and whatnot. It was heavy, but he heaved it with all his might. That toss got the closest of any of them, in fact, it hit him on the head and drove him under a little farther.

Another Christian came. He was always late to the theology feeds. His main excuses were that he was talking to a sinner, or drawing a swamp map. As usual, he came late today and wondered what all the commotion was about. When he learned what the trouble was, he immediately took off his silk shirt and polished boots, grabbed a nearby rope, tied one end around a tree and the other around himself, and then strode manfully into the swill. It was very difficult, but he finally made it out to the poor mortal who was almost gone.

Taking the poor mortal’s hands, he pulled with all his strength and managed to drag him over to a nearby log. Clearing the mud from the wretch’s eyes, he smiled and said, “I’ve found The Way; come with me.”