The Twelve Days of Christmas....

[Liz]

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a

Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times

for thinking of me this way.

My love always,

Agnes

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December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle

doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just

adorable.

All my love,

Agnes

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December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such

generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist,

you've been too kind.

All my love,

Agnes

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December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are

beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough.

You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes

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December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for

every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those

birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes

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December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my

front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.

Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep

through the racket.

Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

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December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind

of joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop

the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.

So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely,

Agnes

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December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with 8 maids a

milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but

they had to bring their darn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I

can't move in my own house.

You must think you're really cute...please cut it out.

Agnes

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December 22, 1972

Hey Bonehead:

What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And

let me tell you, do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids

since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and

they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do?

The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !

Agnes

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December 23, 1972

You rotten jerk:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those s----s ladies.

They've been playing around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows

can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of [censored].

The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the

building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes

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December 24, 1972

Listen you "#$%*_"

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies? You've

turned my home into a brothel. Those pipers got incredibly drunk on the egg

nog, ran through the maids. All twenty-three of the birds are dead.

They've been trampled to death in all the ruckus.

I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

You're sworn enemy,

Agnes

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December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which

you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The

destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our

attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale

Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Happy Holidays,

Law Offices

[phkrause]

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

ha. ha,