Tell me, did I do anything wrong?

[Doug]

I had asked a girl from church out a long time ago and she said no to me. I am not a guy that is so smitten over a girl that he would try over and over like i am desperate so I decided that I would still like to be her friend and made an effort to be as friendly as possible. I tried to say hello whenever I saw her, I posted stuff on FB and the like.

But I get the impression that she still thinks I like her for something more, like I am trying to trick her or something. I still think she is attractive, but i know it will never be, we have 2 different personalities and she went through some stuff when she was younger.

So what gives? I am not trying to flirt with her and i certainly am not trying got give off that impression. It comes off as uncomfortable whenever I say hello to her. Last week we were in line to eat, I said hello, she looked in my direction, let out a big sigh and turned her head back.

I did her a favor a few weeks ago and took her to the airport and back. We exchanged phone numbers and email addresses, and we chatted back and forth via email a few times before the day I was to take her to the airport. After I took her home we chatted in the car for about an hour, she was giving me advice about my career and school. About a week later she texts me during the middle of the week telling me that she hoped I had a good week and to pursue my dreams of finishing school and that she hoped to see me on Monday. I did the same thing to her last week,but it seemed like I was bothering her.

I saw her at church one day (an no avoiding her because we have the same circle of friends so I have no choice) we were in line go buy food and I said hello and she looked back in my direction, took a deep breath and rolled her eyes and turned back around. it seems to me like whenever I initiate the conversation it goes nowhere and is awkward but when she says hello first she seems friendlier.

So what gives?

Someone told me that I am preoccupied with her, and I will admit to that a little bit. So I broke contact with her, took her off Facebook, deleted her email address and all contact info. I feel that if she really wants to be friends, the ball is in her court. Whenever I initiate she takes it the wrong way.

[Gail]

Doug- it's a picture of you on your avatar! Nice!

Quote:

Someone told me that I am preoccupied with her, and I will admit to that a little bit. So I broke contact with her, took her off Facebook, deleted her email address and all contact info. I feel that if she really wants to be friends, the ball is in her court. Whenever I initiate she takes it the wrong way.

My thought... is that by doing this you have taken the ball out of the court.

I think I would let it go and move on.

[cricket]

Instead of simply deleting her from your Facebook friends and e-mail and phone contacts, have you considered telling her directly that you are NOT interested in anything more than friendship with her? Sometimes the direct approach can really send the right meessage when the indirect approach sends nothing but confusion.

[Doug]

Instead of simply deleting her from your Facebook friends and e-mail and phone contacts, have you considered telling her directly that you are NOT interested in anything more than friendship with her? Sometimes the direct approach can really send the right meessage when the indirect approach sends nothing but confusion.

That is an extremely uncomfortable conversation I wanted to avoid at all costs.

[Igakusei]

Originally Posted By: cricket

Instead of simply deleting her from your Facebook friends and e-mail and phone contacts, have you considered telling her directly that you are NOT interested in anything more than friendship with her? Sometimes the direct approach can really send the right meessage when the indirect approach sends nothing but confusion.

That is an extremely uncomfortable conversation I wanted to avoid at all costs.

Well, she obviously feels the need to send overt hints your direction that she's not interested. Either tell her straight up that you're not, or forget about her entirely and make other friends.

You're never going to be able to become "just friends" with her when she still thinks you like her.

[cricket]

Well, maybe she'll search for "Doug" and "Adventist" and "Los Angeles" in a search engine and stumble upon this conversation...

Seriously, as my husband would say, "Man up!" Do the right thing and have the conversation with her (that is, IF you really aren't still wanting more from her than friendship).

[Doug]

Well, maybe she'll search for "Doug" and "Adventist" and "Los Angeles" in a search engine and stumble upon this conversation...

Seriously, as my husband would say, "Man up!" Do the right thing and have the conversation with her (that is, IF you really aren't still wanting more from her than friendship).

it would be nice but i don't see it happening. I can;t avoid her because we go to the same church.

[cricket]

Good luck with that.

[phkrause]

Well Doug you asked for advice, and it has been given. Pretty much it seems all agree you need to have that conversation that you are, for some reason, reluctant to have. Just do it, it will take a load of.

[Gail]

Doug, why be so serious about it? Why not just ask her if she wants to go out periodically to do things such as movies, zoo, meal, etc? Can you keep it on that level until you decide whether you would like to formally date? By that time you should be close enough that you can spring the subject without risk? If you get yourself a reputation as someone who's on the hunt, you might end up with nothing.

[Doug]

Doug, why be so serious about it? Why not just ask her if she wants to go out periodically to do things such as movies, zoo, meal, etc? Can you keep it on that level until you decide whether you would like to formally date? By that time you should be close enough that you can spring the subject without risk? If you get yourself a reputation as someone who's on the hunt, you might end up with nothing.

She told me this initially, that she wanted to only do stuff in a group right now, nothing one on one. Thats one thing I don't want is a reputation, especially at this small church, of someone who is desperate to meet someone.

Gail all I have been doing is saying hello, nothing else. I haven't asked her out since that day or even hinted about it.

[Woody]

Doug. It's so good to see you again. And especially with a photo. How cool. Sorry for your troubles. But I have to go along with the rest and say that communication is always best.

And I will be wishin' U the best.

[Liz]

Here is my two cents:

Doug, stop saying hello to her. IF every time you try and be friendly she sighs and rolls her eyes, then stop being friendly towards her. Ignore her. Completely.

I know this probably goes against your nature. But the sighing and rolling eyes will stop if you start pretending she isn't even there.

Don't be surprised if she becomes more friendly after you start ignoring her. Just don't fall for this. It's game-playing and you don't need that.

(((hugs)))

P.S. Love your new pic.

[Doug]

Thanks woody, it is nice to be missed.

I went the direct route, told her how I felt and I hope we could be friends again. Turns out it was much ado over nothing. it was a non-issue in her mind.

SO I guess i'm not ready for any kind of relationship with anyone, and I don't know when I will be.

[Flyboy]

I'd say no, no need to have the conversation with her. It would just make it more awkward and you can achieve the same thing by just backing off and giving a friendly hello every now and then. Eventually she'll get the point that you aren't interested anymore and she'll feel silly because she'll realize that she misjudged you. And, you'll accomplish this goal without the awkwardness. Life is not instant oatmeal man, you cannot accomplish things at the drop of a hat.

As for being preoccupied, yes, I'd say you are. The fact that you came here and posted suggests that you are thinking about her more than any other female friends you have. Part of your irritation, no doubt, is that you feel misunderstood and the ball, the psychological ball that is, is in her court and you either want it back or you want a 'jump ball' so you can restart the friendship. Clearly she feels uncomfortable with your communication, and perhaps with good reason. After all, we've only heard your side of the story. Or, maybe she's just a brat! :)

[Doug]

I'd say no, no need to have the conversation with her. It would just make it more awkward and you can achieve the same thing by just backing off and giving a friendly hello every now and then. Eventually she'll get the point that you aren't interested anymore and she'll feel silly because she'll realize that she misjudged you. And, you'll accomplish this goal without the awkwardness. Life is not instant oatmeal man, you cannot accomplish things at the drop of a hat.

As for being preoccupied, yes, I'd say you are. The fact that you came here and posted suggests that you are thinking about her more than any other female friends you have. Part of your irritation, no doubt, is that you feel misunderstood and the ball, the psychological ball that is, is in her court and you either want it back or you want a 'jump ball' so you can restart the friendship. Clearly she feels uncomfortable with your communication, and perhaps with good reason. After all, we've only heard your side of the story. Or, maybe she's just a brat!

So I talked with her, not face to face which would have been awkward, but via email.

It was a misunderstanding between us both. she says we are still friends, I am just going to take that at face value and not worry if she is being sincere or not.