How to start a fight

[phkrause]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really

need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

[Woody]

You certainly do a lot of fighting pk

[Woody]

Quote:

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really

need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

You live dangerously my friend. :)

[CoAspen]

Thanks for the laugh!!!

[M. T. Cross]

Quote:

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really

need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

You live dangerously my friend.

That reminds me of the time my wife asked me the inevitable "Do these pants make my butt look fat" I looked at her and said "remember how I promised I would never lie to you?"

Thats how that fight started

[Woody]

Quote:

That reminds me of the time my wife asked me the inevitable "Do these pants make my butt look fat" I looked at her and said "remember how I promised I would never lie to you?"

If I was you in this situation - I would just have told my wife NO. And quietly left. WHY? Because the pants don't make her look fat - she is are ALREADY fat.

[M. T. Cross]

Well where were you when I needed you LOL

In the end I told her I find big butts attractive. Sadly I said that after the hair brush had left her hand with some considerable velocity. Girl could have been a Quarterback, good power and excellent aim.

[aldona]

There is one question that is always sure to start a fight, regardless of which way you answer.

That is, when your spouse asks; "If I died, would you marry again?"

AJ

[ClubV12]

Years ago when I had a girl friend and a "hot" car she asked me one day if I loved the car more than her.

....I hesitated as I considered the depth of the complex question and how to formulate the correct answer. She didn't wait for the answer, I've been single ever since.

Some questions are just not fair, ladies. "Do you love fishing more than me", she might ask just as you leave the house with rod and reel in hand. A womans timing is an awesome thing. Don't hesitate, there is only ONE possible answer to these questions guy. I'm not sure what it is yet, I'm still considering it.

[Gail]

It really doesn't matter what you answer, I think.

Chocolate speaks louder than words in these cases.

pk, you're a hoot!

[Woody]

PK. He is speaking from personal experience. So if it happens to be humorous to you - SO B it.

HA HA HA HO HO HO HE HE HE

[Gail]

PKRAUSE

should this be in the humor thread???

just thinking

This might not have been funny when he went through it... for him, that is!

:)

[phkrause]

Never said this was personal! LOL

[olger]

Great list.

[olger]

I asked my wife one day - Does this forklift make my butt look big? Her reply: "No dear, not the forklift."