About my husband's death

[OzarkWoman]

I wrote this last night to a dear friend of mine.

I just miss him too much. I thought I was over this grief, but it doesn't seem so. I honestly don't understand this at all. It has been over 4 months now and right now it hurts like it was yesterday. I am just not sure that I have the strength to keep on going through with everything. I don't understand this at all because some days everything seems to be going fine and then all of a sudden I can't stop thinking about him and then I start crying. I have no idea what happened this evening but me missing and thinking about Stan has become overwhelming. I have cried all damn evening so far and still yet, am crying. I feel like I am falling apart, Jeff. Is this supposed to last this long? I can't really talk to Rhonda about this because she is like me with thinking that one should just get over it and get on with one's life. That makes it even worse because I know that I should be done with grieving and get on with my life, but it seems the more I try the more I realize that I miss him so much and nothing will ever be the same. I hate this about me now, being so weak that I can't seem to get over Stan dying. Damn it Jeff, it just isn't fair. I just want him back and yet, I know he is gone forever. It hurts so bad. My brain is colliding with my heart and it is not a pretty site at all. Getting over this is easier said than done. I have no idea why my heart continues to beat anymore. You have no idea of the pain I feel. The pain lingers in my subconscious and emerges at inopportune times it seems. My birthday is coming up and I'm not sure how to handle it because we always spent our birthdays together with a special dinner. I guess that is very immature of me but it does scare me. You know what really makes me mad? Stan was ready to leave this world. Why in the hell couldn't he just have fought a little harder? And that shows how ignorant I am. Just writing that and then reading it makes me feel like a complete loser to even think I have some right to be mad at him, especially since I know it was the damn VA that killed him. Where the hell do I go from here? He is engrained in my soul. He is still a part of me. It's like his blood flows through me. It's like he breathes into my lungs. You know how close we were, Jeff. I mean, we could finish each other's sentences. It is so hard not being part of a couple anymore. I always thought that I was pretty independent, but I long for that feeling of being part of someone so much. Finishing each other's sentences, knowing each other's thoughts without even having to speak. It used to be Stan and Elaine and now I am just plain old Elaine. It sucks so much. The one prayer I prayed to God for and he left me out in the cold. I wish I would have been a better wife and friend. I feel like this is a life sentence in prison in solitary confinement. He was the love of my life. I knew I would marry him the 1st time we ever kissed on our 1st date. He was my soul mate. Life is meaningless without him. As bad as it sounds I feel such anger towards God for taking him away from me. I wish it would have been me that died because I'm dead inside anyway. It is so hard because although he is within me and always will be, that is not enough. The unrelenting "aloneness", not having him to discuss things with, share joys and sorrows; the emptiness is engulfing. I fluctuate between unbearable, heartbreaking sadness, to anger at the unfairness of it all , anger at him for leaving me, back to tears and hopelessness. Why would God take the best thing in my life? I don't know how a person's heart can ache so badly and not kill them. I've never known such intense pain was possible. I miss him terribly and love him so. Some days, it feels God doesn't hear my plea for mercy. My head hurts from crying. When does the pain begin to ease up? I've learned there are worse things than death and I'm living it. I miss him so much, and when I dream with him, I hate to wake up, I want him to come back, and it makes me so angry knowing that no matter how much I want it I cannot have him back, that there is nothing that I can do about it. I'd give anything to have him back or be up there with him. I died that day, and how my heart continues to beat, I will never know. I will never understand why God takes such beautiful loving people, make them suffer as he suffered so much, but never complained, and leaves such horrible people to live long lives. I know that I should be farther along, over it and getting on with my life, but it seems that when I think I am on my way, I end up missing him and thinking of our life together and how it hurts so much to be without him. How do you get over in 4 months the love of your life dying, that you've shared everything with for 35 years? Every where I look I see a memory reminding me of the way it use to be. It gets better is what they say, but I know it will hurt just as much tomorrow as it does today. My heart is so broken that it will never mend, never be whole again until we are together again. I miss his smile, his loving face, loving embrace. I try to hold the memories, but what I need, is him here with me. All I see ahead of me is a lonely, empty, pointless life. The pain of losing him is still ever present. I can't help feeling like I am living in some horrifying nightmare and can't wake up. I am angry, sad, tired and lost. Jeff, I am just numb. I've always been a strong and independent woman and I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to recapture that. I'm not bouncing back like I should. I don't even know me any more. Who am I now? I want to have a life again, I desire it, but yet it doesn't come. I feel no joy. No excitement. No will to do anything. No idea what I want to do. I question what is the point of doing anything at all? Why make plans? Why think of the future? I might die tomorrow too. For the first time in my life I feel my own mortality. And I don't like it. I don't like the me I've become thru Stan's passing. It's like a switch has been turned off in my brain. I did not ask for any of this to happen. I wish I had my life back. I miss him so much. The term "one flesh" is real. He knew my body better than I know it myself, and I knew his. How can he with his love, personality, intelligence, naughtiness, goodness, just disappear?

[Gibs]

OzarkWoman,

We must fight the good fight of faith to the end, holding on to Him, Jesus Christ and You will get to see him, your husband again in the resurrection and Jesus too!

1Ti 6:12 Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses.

Press and witness to all you can of His Great Love and Salvation, Time will fly and one day soon we too will lay this old body down and it will seem to you and him both no more than a night's sleep in time to both of you.

Do not allow yourself to be depressed, your salvation is a sure thing, you are blessed, you didn't loose him, he just went to "sleep" as Jesus says, before you.

The real you and me and your husband is the spirit that God gave us and your husbands spirit is now in Jesus's hands and in the resurrection He will put your husbands spirit in a brand new perfect body. Never to grow tired no more.

You are blessid, be cheerful and praise Him for all the blessings bestowed on yourself and husband all these years.

1Jo 4:4 ¶ Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.

[Lysimachus]

I am very confused. Am I reading this message right?? Are we talking about Stan, our forum moderator?? O.O He just died??

[OzarkWoman]

Stan was my husband's name, not this Stan here.

[Lysimachus]

My apologies. I just wanted to verify. My heart and sympathies go out to you OzarkWoman. I can only imagine the hardship. Remain faithful and true OzarkWoman, and one day you may very well meet your husband again in the Kingdom!

It's hard to understand why God allows us at times to go through the hardships that we do, but we can trust Him that all things work together to them that love God.

I encourage you to press onward toward the mark of your high calling, and soon, before you know it, that bright and glorious day will begin to dawn in the horizon, and all death, all pain, and all crying will forever come to an end!! That morning twilight will begin to shine brighter and brighter and yet still brighter!! :D

[Overaged]

Hello Ozark Woman

Thankyou for sharing your feelings, and your pain with us here. With each sentence that you wrote; I could feel the pain you described; except with me, it was my Dad who died, and that was a few years ago now.

You are right. It is so hard, infact almost impossible to recapture what we used to be, before our loved one passes away.

But I can also tell you from my own experience, that things will get better over time, and that you will find new ways to move on, and live life again.

The first step, is telling others about your pain. You can do this here, as well as in person, with people you trust, where you live.

I would like to write more to you, but I need to get out the door to work. I will come back to this topic tonight.

He Cares

Oh, wonderful story of deathless love

each child is dear to that heart above

He fights for me when I cannot fight

He comforts me in the gloom of night

He lifts the burden, for He is strong

He stills the sigh, and awakens the song

The sorrow that bowed me down; He bears

And loves and pardons, because He cares.

Let all who are sad, take heart again

We are not alone in our hours of pain

Our Father stoops from His throne above

To soothe and quiet us with His love

He leaves us not when the storm is high

And we have safety, for He is nigh

Can it be trouble, which the Lord doth share?

Oh, rest in peace, for the Lord will care...

- author unknown

[teresaq]

4 months isn't very long for such a tragic loss. According to the authorities the grieving process takes about 2 years and we go through various stages. Expecting yourself "to get over it" and "get on with your life" isn't very realistic.

You seem angry with God so share that with Him. He'll listen and understand and He will help you through the grieving process step by step.

All our hearts go out to you.

[Overaged]

Your grief is your grief; it is not necessary to stick to a timetable or schedule. What is important is to turn to God. He can help; He will sustain. And He will put people in your life who can help.

Isa 43:4 Since you were precious in my sight, you have been honorable, and I have loved you: therefore will I give men for you, and people for your life.

[Pockey]

I'm sorry for your loss too OzarkWoman.

One thing that's helped me understand why bad things happen was a sermon by Pastor Derek Morris when he was at Forest Lake SDA Church. http://media.forestlakechurch.org/content/media/how-handle-lifes-tragedies I hope it helps too.

[Overaged]

[jasd]

It is doubtful that

‘the secret chord which David played and pleased the Lord’ (Leonard Cohen)

elicited more from the Lord than does the pain resonating within the chambers of your heart – grieving for an abiding love now severed. However, one is put to mind that one is inevitably called upon to lay the burden of grief upon gentle remembrances and to thenceforward, be the heart, mind, eyes, and hands of the departed beloved. Your husband is now spirit lacking that which you once shared as one flesh; that is, the physical attributes that you now alone possess.

You do well to mourn his passing and in so doing honour him; yet, the time approaches that you must honour him in your living also.

Hurt, pain, grief, and sorrow (be ever grateful that it is not guilt) can either fester as a canker upon the remaining beauty of a love shared – or it can be the ‘irritant’ upon which the nacre of comfort, joy, giving, and tending the requirements of duty and the needs of others – that both of you may be glorified..., the glory of a pearl of great price. Heaven’s Gate.

Holy darkness shrouds that we may heal, but the light following bears us up – that we may continue...

“it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, and the major lift:” (Cohen)

Let the loss within the heart glisten as sweetness upon the lips.

Now girl, don’t you be letting no torna-whatever be sneakin’ up on you – away out there in Massoorah-land. ;-)

[OzarkWoman]

I'm sorry for your loss too OzarkWoman.

One thing that's helped me understand why bad things happen was a sermon by Pastor Derek Morris when he was at Forest Lake SDA Church. http://media.forestlakechurch.org/content/media/how-handle-lifes-tragedies I hope it helps too.

Thanks so much for this link. I really did like the sermon, but more than that, I loved the song he wrote with his wife. That really spoke to me.

[OzarkWoman]

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/4M-zwE33zHA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

That was beautiful and thank you for posting it.

[OzarkWoman]

It is doubtful that

‘the secret chord which David played and pleased the Lord’ (Leonard Cohen)

elicited more from the Lord than does the pain resonating within the chambers of your heart – grieving for an abiding love now severed. However, one is put to mind that one is inevitably called upon to lay the burden of grief upon gentle remembrances and to thenceforward, be the heart, mind, eyes, and hands of the departed beloved. Your husband is now spirit lacking that which you once shared as one flesh; that is, the physical attributes that you now alone possess.

You do well to mourn his passing and in so doing honour him; yet, the time approaches that you must honour him in your living also.

Hurt, pain, grief, and sorrow (be ever grateful that it is not guilt) can either fester as a canker upon the remaining beauty of a love shared – or it can be the ‘irritant’ upon which the nacre of comfort, joy, giving, and tending the requirements of duty and the needs of others – that both of you may be glorified..., the glory of a pearl of great price. Heaven’s Gate.

Holy darkness shrouds that we may heal, but the light following bears us up – that we may continue...

“it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, and the major lift:” (Cohen)

Let the loss within the heart glisten as sweetness upon the lips.

Now girl, don’t you be letting no torna-whatever be sneakin’ up on you – away out there in Massoorah-land. ;-)

Thank you for your kind words. I live in a basement apartment, so I am hoping that will help with the tornadoes. Also, if it really gets bad I can go to the church and hide out in their basement.

[Nan]

I have come to this late OzarkWoman....in my own loss I came

to think of grief as a big black hole....recovery is by constructing a fence around it....the loss does not go away but

as time goes by you become less likely to fall into its depths.

I am glad you have found some of the links helpful.

Blessings.