Out of Touch Father... Needs Help

[OutOfTouch]

I was raised in a home with very little communication between my parents. When my father would get home from work, my mother would start nagging and he would retreat to his garage for the evening and only come in for supper... This was regular.

I would go and be with him at times and the only time we had together really was when we were working on a project together. But, as far as anything else, he was not there.

I find myself not knowing how to relate or bond with my 10 year old son. Most of all I don't know how to talk with him... I do the usual 5 minute "how was your day, etc" but I really feel inept at communicating with him.

The other challenge is that when I do get home, mama has chores and plans for them right up till bedtime...

Anyways... any experience help would be appreciated. I am not chauvinistic, but I would appreciate experienced fathers/sons helping me out here.

[LynnDel]

Spend regular time with him doing something he enjoys. Conversation should come naturally. You could work on household chores or auto fix-it jobs, or a hobby. If he doesn't have any hobbies that would make time together natural, hero him develop one. Try to come up with some memories of your childhood to share. Most children love to hear stories of when their parents were young. Share with him lessons of life that will benefit him, how to have friends, how to be a blessing to others, how to respect

Women - with stories so that he doesn't feel preached at.

If it is hard to get him talking, it could be a genetic trait, but don't let silence bother you. Time together is a precious thing.

[olger]

Passive men is a huge problem in America (and other parts of the world as well). Yet there is hope - this can be slowly turned around by following Biblical principles.

Each of us men, need older men to learn from. We need about 5 other men in our lives that we can learn from. Often our lives are like a slice of swiss cheese, and by holding five pieces together you can cover up all the holes. Find some older men and learn from them.

A boy cannot learn how to be a man from a woman. He cannot. He needs a man for that. Timothy grew up in a home without a father and Paul became a mentor to him, calling him "my son" several times in scripture.

While having a detached father has the potential to set up a generational pattern in you, Ezekiel 18 & 33 call on us to break unhealthy patterns, by turning from them in the power of God. Resolve any pride in your life, and ask Jesus to break the chain of passivity between you and your father. My wife & I will pray for you as well.

Walk with the king,

g

[Stan]

Take him out for a meal at least once a week, even a breakfast at Mcdonalds, and just let him talk.

If you get upset at anything he says, he will quit talking.

I told my kids there was nothing they could ever tell me that would make me mad at them. We are still close.

[Gerr]

I am touched by your desire to have a closer relationship with your son. Friend, you have but a short time to redeem the time because before you know it, he will be gone to a boarding school or college. Talk to your wife and let her know what you have in mind. Do the chores with your son that has been assigned to him. Surely, there are things you could do together - a game, a project. The first thing I used to do when I came home was to play with my son. And I used to read to him a lot, but your son is now 10 and probably reading very well.

[cricket]

Any chance of joining in on the chores and plans? Nothing like just spending time together. Doesn't have to be only the two of you, but any time spent in the company of one another is time that you can bond and be the example your son wishes you to be.

[Woody]

Okay. I had so much to say on this topic. But everyone else stole my thunder. So, let me just thank you for bringing up a great issue. A very important issue. My heart goes out to you. I praise God for your sincere desire. I wish only the best for you to accomplish this important responsibility of raising a child.

Since I am not going to repeat what has already been stated:

Let me just add one thought on what you can do for your son. Model Model Model. Our example is SO important. Our children are watching our every move and looking for inconsistencies. The biggest thing you can model is how to take care of a women. How do you treat your wife - his mother. IF there is a happy home - your son will want to be an active part in it. OR - at a minimum - he will respect it and learn how to treat women.

That's my theory for what it is worth. And I am stickin' with it. :)

[M. T. Cross]

Something I noticed was that you mentioned that your wife has plans for them right up until bedtime.

Maybe sit down with your wife and let her know you want to be more involved, that you want your son to have a different relationship with you than you had with your father. Everyone else has had great suggestions, but without this talk it could turn into a power struggle that in the end may only end up hurting your son.

I grew up with a father that was always too busy as well and it took until I was in my late 30's for us to start developing any kind of relationship - just in time for him to die. So I applaud your efforts, I applaud your desire dude! It will be worth it in ways that are beyond words.

[phkrause]

Welcome Out of Touch, my father worked from 4am until about 2pm. I don't recall much communication with him until after I got out of the military. He was there everyday for worship and other stuff. He had a very hard life growing up in Poland, being Jewish, and spent 5 years in 3 different Concentration camps. He didn't talk a lot when my brother and I were younger but when we got older and I went into the army he kind off opened up to my brother who kept asking him questions. So things work out if you keep wanting a relationship, so keep it up and never give up. Look at God, its not us that keeps wanting a relationship with him, its the other way around. He keeps after us all the time.

[StillGreen]

Parenting skills... We should have classes for that in all of our senior academies... I have to say that my skills have been aweful at times. My best advice would be to take him out to different things - car shows, gun range, races, motocross track, hiking, biking, camping, etc... try different things and be observant of his reactions... find what he likes and spend time doing those special things with him. Make a "special" thing with him at least once a month.

With the race of life, it can be hard to do things every day. But if he knows that "special" father son days are coming, that will create memories and anticipation. Most importantly, NOTHING should supersede those appointments.