Heavenly Rates at the Heavenly Gates

[phkrause]

A man dies and goes to heaven. One of God’s angels meets the man and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, “I never ate a piece of non-kosher food in my 90 years. Nothing.”

"That's wonderful," says the angel, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended synagogue all my life and always gave as much tzedakah as I could."

"Terrific!" says the angel, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point? Oy. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and volunteered at the Jewish senior’s home."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries. "The way you guys grade, there’s no way my Selma got in here.”

“Selma who?” asks the angel.

“My wife, Selma Rothenstein. You know, Selma and I were married for 60 years and I never raised my voice at her, not even once."

“Oh, that Selma,” the angel nods. “You put up with her for 60 years?! Come right in!”