Humor - Hymn #365

[Clio]

A minister delivered a rousing sermon on the evils of drink and the benefits of temperance.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I´d take it and pour it into the river."

His voice rumbling louder, and with even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I´d take it and pour it into the river."

Thundering with righteous anger, red-faced and shaking his fist in the air, he proclaimed, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I´d take it and pour it into the river!".

Sermon now complete, he sat down and mopped his face with a handkerchief.

The song leader stood, very cautiously and with a nervous look at the minister said with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

[Nicodema]

Hehehehe, that was good.

[aldona]

reminds me of an old joke told by my father-in-law...

An Adventist health reformer was giving a lecture on the evils of drinking alcohol. He had two glasses in front of him on the table - one containing water and the other whisky.

He placed a worm in each one. The worm in the water swam around quite happily, but the worm in the whisky died.

"Ladies and gentlemen," asked the speaker, "what can we learn from this practical object lesson?"

An old drunk in the front row put his hand up.

"If you drink whisky, you won't get worms," was his reply.

aldona

[Clio]

ROFL.... won't get worms...

[Neil D]

The joke that I like is this one-

There was this pastor who claimed to have a mystical experience with his congregation. All he had to do was say one word, just one word and the congregation knew what song to turn to in the hymnal and begin singing...

He was so proud of this.

As the congregation would sing during the song service, he would shout out a word between hymms, "Rock" and the congregation would turn to the hymnal , stand up and sing "Rock of Ages, cleft for me. Let me hide myself in thee..."

He would shout out the word "Cross" and the congregation would stand and turn in the hymnals and sing, "To The Old Rugged Cross, I would ever be true, the emblem of suffering and pain..."

He would shout out another word "Story" and the congregation would stand and sing " Tell me the old old story, Of unseen things above, Of Jesus and His glory, of Jesus and His Love..."

One day the Pastor felt the need to really reaffirm this magical experience and, after several single words, he gave the congregation a hard word...He shouted out "Sex!"

And the congregation was mystified. They look at each other, and some murmmering was heard. Suddenly, a little old lady in the back of the church stood up and began to sing....

" Precious moments, how we love them..."

[Lonnie]

Ha Ha Ha to be sarcastic, if I had heard that from the pulpit even without the punchline, I would have had to booo him offstage ! Not to say that drink is good, I'm saying that to pour it into the river is to contaminate the river, you might even kill the fish, and he was repetitiously boring me ! We need to hear truth.

The 144000 will meet at the river and all the people that they bring for an offering unto the Lord during the loud cry and the mark of the beast, we must prepare now for that time through the acceptance of the latter rain which the Lord has sent Elijah to teach us.

Pray for the latter rain !

[Amelia]

</font><blockquote><font class="small">Quote:</font><hr />

"If you drink whisky, you won't get worms,"

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No, you have to drink Tequila to get a worm. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/mittelgr124.gif" alt="" />

[Gregory Matthews]

I once lived in an area of the United States where children--even lower grade elementary, chewed tobacco. They did it to keep from getting worms.

[Guest]

Quote:

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I once lived in an area of the United States where children--even lower grade elementary, chewed tobacco. They did it to keep from getting worms.

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I heard of a better way to rid oneself of a tapeworm without chewing tobacco that destroys a lovely smile. All one needs is 3 pealed hard boiled eggs, two sugar cookies and a claw hammer. Now there is a proper procedure to administer these different items, but it works every time I am told.

[Parade Orange]

what do u do with the clawed hammer?h

[Guest]

Quote:

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what do u do with the clawed hammer?h

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Sir the claw hammer is not consumed, but used as all hammers are used. One grabs the handle and take aim at the object. Now the eggs and sugar cookies should not enter the mouth either but through another body cavity, egg first, then the cookie. On the third day when the sugar cookie is omitted on purpose, the tape worm makes his/her exit seeking what his sweet tooth desired, then the afflicted person personal assistance pick up the hammer and kill it.

[Guest]

Quote:

---

A minister delivered a rousing sermon on the evils of drink and the benefits of temperance.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I´d take it and pour it into the river."

His voice rumbling louder, and with even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I´d take it and pour it into the river."

Thundering with righteous anger, red-faced and shaking his fist in the air, he proclaimed, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I´d take it and pour it into the river!".

Sermon now complete, he sat down and mopped his face with a handkerchief.

The song leader stood, very cautiously and with a nervous look at the minister said with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

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The first time I heard this joke told, I was still nursing at age 5 in my mother lap, you ought to get out more and see whats going on in the world.

[Morning Glory]

That was a nasty comment. I expect better from you.

[Guest]

Do you ALWAYS get what you expect? Concerning my expectation they have dimmed considerable from trying to be serious about something very serious,[Revelations messages] but who wants any of that around here? So when in Rome, do as the Romans do.

[SMAN]

Quote:

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what do u do with the clawed hammer?

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Catch the worm behind the ears and ratchet him out !

Actually I know of an acquaintance who suffered from intestinal parasites seemingly without any cure no matter what physician he saw for treatment.

Finally he went to an old New Mexico doctor who told him to go down to Mexico and to eat the hottest hot sauce he could tolerate. He did as the doctor said until the tears would stream down his face. Sounds corny but it worked. I have discussed this with a few doctors at work and they commented that it is very rare that they ever see Mexicans with parasites and state that this may be the telling factor re: their resistance to parasites. (Now stomach ulcers is another subject altogether).

[Gail]

DOUGGIE!!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Where have you been!?! So glad to see you again!!!

Are you going to be around for a while?