Afraid to live alone?

[Gail]

I discovered that this may be more common than I once thought...

Are you afraid to live alone? I know someone whose spouse, when faced with the idea of a failing marriage, started dating. Another one, being left alone for much of the day alone, hooked up with replacement for the spouse.

I get the idea of loneliness, having been there. But is it only loneliness? Does age make a difference? Perhaps neediness is an answer.

How is it that some people can pick themselves up and head into the future like a trooper and others wither away when their spouses die or leave them?

[cricket]

I don't believe the choice to be alone or with others is necessarily a fear-based decision. I think it's much, much more complicated than that.

[Gail]

Do you have an idea of what might motivate someone to not want to live alone to the point where the person does something dangerous or immoral or just plain not good for hen?

Note- I use the Swedish "hen" instead of the awkward "him/her" or "that person", although I know it's supposed to replace he or she. I wish there was a better word...

[cricket]

Not sure of the kind of thing you're talking about. But, I might guess that the reason could be in order to gain attention for themselves.

[Gail]

Anger, perhaps, might do it, and that certainly can be an attention-getting attempt.

[Naomi]

Anger, perhaps, might do it, and that certainly can be an attention-getting attempt.

I tend to think anger, or perhaps revenge, would have more to do with it than just being afraid of being alone; somehow that sounds like a cop-out. I know there are some who are so co-dependent that they will do almost anything to have "someone"

Personally I much prefer being alone to "surviving" in a difficult tension-filled home.

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

I have a relative who has never lived alone. Because she had always had someone else around, she never learned *how* to live by herself, or how to rely on herself to take care of the house, shopping and paying bills, etc. She would get frantic when she thought about living by herself. So, she lived with her parents and siblings until she got married.

If someone goes to the extent of doing something dangerous to "prove" that s/he cannot live alone, I'm not sure it would be consciously intentional. It could be that person is very very needy.... or it could be intentional and the person is being manipulative...

hard to figure without knowing some of the background...

[Gail]

Well, the backgrounds are quite different, but in both cases the marriages are rocky, so the prospect of soon having to live alone would be quite a reality, I am thinking.

I can also envision it happening with a child who has not yet left the nest, as Pam has mentioned. To some, the idea of leaving home would be an adventure, while others seem to hang around until 30 or so, or longer.

To me, being able to do it seems like part of the growing up process. No?

I have a never-married friend who is 50 or so who has always lived at home. She used to travel to Europe frequently solo, but other than that has hung out at home. So my theory might be a bunch of hogwash.

[cricket]

Being able is not the equivalent of actually doing it.

My husband (then boyfriend) proposed marriage to me when he was 20 and I was 19. Part of the proposal was, "Not now, but when we can afford it..."

We have been married now for 22 years. We still can't afford it.

[Naomi]

Pam's example reminded me of mother. She never lived alone. Many times she would say how much she disliked even going home from shopping, etc to an empty house. She would go home, search every closet, under the beds etc. It seemed she was afraid of every one and every thing!

When she was approx. 90years old Daddy died and she was left alone in their country home ... a mile in any direction from a neighbor. I know she had fears but she toughened up and dealt with it. My brother & I stayed for approx. a week and then had to return to our out-of-state/country responsibilities. There comes a time in everyone's life that we have to face our fears.