Confidential

[cricket]

Twice in the last week, I have been asked to keep something confidential after being told the private matter.

I feel that my choices have been withdrawn from me when asked to keep something like this confidential. I did not choose to know the information in the first place. I did not ask to be told. I certainly did not agree to keeping the matters in confidence--it was merely expected of me.

Is it reasonable then, to expect the "hearer" of one's confidential matters to keep in secrecy something to which he/she did not agree beforehand to keep secret?

[Paul Beach]

Margaret Gray responds:

When asked to keep something 'confidential' one should assume that the person telling them had some kind of confidence in their ability to respect their wishes. Email is often tagged as confidential because it is difficult to first request audience to relay a confidential statement, wait for a response, and then in a third message share the information.

Other times, it is a test of the recipient's ability to remain confidential about weightier matters in the future. It shows a person's true colors and ability to handle information properly.

The basic rule is that unless it is a matter involving a criminal conspiracy, or a situation where the sharer of information is likely to injure himself/herself or others, if you are cordial toward the person sharing the information, you should keep it confidential.

Sometimes confidential information is shared as an olive leaf of peace, and when this confidence is shattered by the recipient blaring it out, the source of information dries up.

[Bravus]

I think as a general matter of courtesy, though, it would be better if people flagged the confidential nature of the information up front, rather than dumping the information and then requiring a pledge of confidentiality.

Having said that, Mrs Gray is quite right: unless there are urgent grounds for breaking the confidence, doing so will simply damage the relationship and possibly the breaker's reputation. Sad but true. Might be worth saying to people, though, "Please tell me something is confidential *before* you tell me about it in future". Politely but firmly.

[cricket]

I agree that it is courteous to keep the matter in confidence. My question, however, is whether or not it is reasonable to expect that the "hearer" keep the matter confidential.

Your advice, "Might be worth saying to people, though, 'Please tell me something is confidential *before* you tell me about it in future'. Politely but firmly," is sound.

I purpose to set the issue of confidentiality beforehand in my communication. Once the person on the receiving end of the conversation gives me the "go ahead", I continue with the issues requiring confidence.

It would be nice if we all would give this common courtesy to one another. Admittedly, there are some things I would rather just not know: some things I'd rather not carry the burden of knowing.

[LynnDel]

It has been my experience that often the person who says their information is confidential is actually telling what they have already been asked not to pass on.

If someone warns me something they're going to say is confidential, I usually tell them I will do my utmost not to tell, but that sometimes Top Secret information falls into the "general information" category of my brain, and I can't be trusted to remember what I can and can't say. Often I am told the information anyway - possibly because the person who wants to give me info is just bubbling over with it.

LD