If modern Christianity was football

[fccool]

• So… Tom, what do you do, do you play any sports…?

   

• Well, yeah!  I’m a football player!

   

• Wow!  That’s impressive.

   

• Yep, it’s one of the toughest games to play, but it’s the only man’s sport! All of other sports are for sissies.  I’m a football player and I’m proud of it.

   

• A tough guy!  Nice!  So, when can I see you play? 

   

• Well, you see… football is a lifestyle.   It’s not just about the game.  I’m playing football right now.

   

• Really?  That’s interesting.  Well, do you practice, or have a team?

   

• Of course I do.  We come and practice every Saturday morning.  First we come and discuss the rules of football.  Then, we sing about the guy who invented the game.  Then we hear a lecture on football… and then we go home and read more about football, while we watch other people talk about past football players on TV, and the lessons we should all learn about how to be better football players.

   

• So, when do you guys play?

   

• Didn’t I just tell you?  Football is a lifestyle, it’s not something that you just do here and there, or have a game that everyone writes about in papers.  It’s about being a football player by knowing the rules, and discussing them, and living the football player's lifestyle. 

   

• So, what’s different between you and people who don’t play football? 

   

• Now, come on now.  We know the game better than these people.  We know the rules better than these people.  We pay our football league fees.  We know the names and stats of the famous players in history.  And we occasionally throw a pass or two when people really ask for it, or need it.

   

• But, other people throw football too on occasion, does it make them football players?

   

• Now, you are just frustrating me with your lack of understanding.  Football is about understanding of the rules, the history of the game, and the lifestyle of football.

   

• But, isn’t football is a game that you play. If you don’t actually play it, how can you call yourself a football player? 

   

• Well, we gather and treat injuries, and we pass out Gatorade to people who are thirsty, like a good football friend will do.

   

• But non-football doctors and charities already do that. 

   

• Yes, but they are not players, they are not on the football team, they don’t know football rules, and they don’t get a trophy and Pro football player salary and mansion once they retire.  We do.  Why is it so hard to understand? 

   

• Hmm.  Interesting.

   

• So… I was going to ask you, would you like to be a football player like me?

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

Excellent!!!  It reminded me of something I clipped a number of years ago...

 

 

Benchwarmer: Show up on Sabbath/Sunday eleven o’clock sharp and leave twelve o’clock dull. They do not sing, pray, work, and apparently do nothing but take up pew space.

Sidelines: where lukewarm Christians always are.

Running back: one who is unafraid to meet the opponent head on by faithfully proclaiming the truth of God’s Word.

Linebacker: one who defends the faith against all attacks.

Back Judge: one who only criticizes and never gets in the game.

Nose tackle: method the pastor's wife uses to try and keep church gossip to a minimum.

Assistant coach: an associate pastor.

Stiff Arm: do not lay hands on anyone quickly.

Off-season: summer vacation when church attendance falls off.

Overtime: sermon continues past noon.

Coin toss: taking up an offering.

Pigskin: smoked ham at the church potluck dinner.

Punt: point in the sermon where due to lack of response from the congregation, the pastor veers off-course from his sermon in desperation to regain the attention of the people.

Punt return: congregation's response to pastor's punt.

Defensive holding: gripping the back of the pew in front of you when under conviction.

Delay of game: method special singers employ when their performance track is not cued to correct song.

Offensive guard: persons who are constantly looking for something to be offended by.

Quick count: estimate of Sabbath/Sunday attendance.

Dead ball: awkward silence during the sermon in which pastor is pausing for an amen, which he never receives.

Roster: official list of church members whether they are currently attending or not attending.

Excessive timeouts: crying babies interrupting the service numerous times.

Eligible receiver: a faithful servant of the Lord who can be trusted to do the work of the ministry.

Unnecessary roughness: where gossiping has become a spiritual gift.

Formation: with whom we gather with in the foyer after the service has ended.

Signals: silent communication between the worship leader and the guy manning the sound board.

20 Second Time Out: pastor hasn’t prepared effectively to preach the Word of God on Sabbath/Sunday. Therefore, he extends a time of corporate prayer and singing that he claims is led by the Spirit, so that only ten minutes is left in the actual service time. He then uses remaining moments for congregational testimonials as an expression of “encouraging one another.” He concludes by saying, “I guess we’re out of time today, we’ll have to pick up the text again next week… but hasn’t the fellowship been sweet this morning?”

Field Goal: getting at least something out of a poorly prepared sermon.

Safety: proof that no one on the elder board had your pastor's "back."

Touchdown: preaching the gospel in all its truth and seeing a non-Christian come to Christ for salvation, or a believer repent of their waywardness in sanctification.

Special teams: church committees and home fellowship groups.

Scrimmage: informal meeting of a "special team."

Extra Point: when you thought that the pastor said, “now in conclusion” at least twenty minutes ago.

Fumble: when the minister mispronounces a key word or O.T. name in his message, quotes the wrong verse, or theologically misspeaks and everyone notices.

Penalty Flag: when a member of the church acts like a faithful Berean in confronting the pastor(s) when something unbiblical was preached and affirmed. 

Game ball: the Bible.

Home-field advantage: where long-time attendees think they are entitled to sit when newcomers show up.

Dime back: giving a tenth of your income.

Huddle: Meeting of the elders and pastoral staff.

Head coach: the pastor.

Reverse: a former Arminian who is now Reformed.

Too many men on the field: congregational rule.

Interference: when pragmatics captures the hearts of some of the members absent of sound doctrine—methods vs. message.

Incompletion: John Mark.

Unsportsmanlike conduct: when tolerated undisciplined sin manifests itself.

Winning percentage: sanctification is daily occurring. 

Quarterback Sneak: when the pastor makes a move that the elders and deacons weren’t prepared for.

Draw Play: what children do with the church bulletin during worship.

Half-time: the period between Sabbath School/Sunday School and the main worship service where many choose to leave.

Backfield-in-Motion/Man in Motion: too many restroom or water fountain runs during the service.

Staying in the Pocket: what happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning: the point at which you realize the sermon is almost over, but it somehow goes on for another half an hour.

Instant Replay: the minister forgets his notes and falls back on last week's sermon.

Sudden Death: what happens to a church where sin is tolerated.

Trap: you're called on to pray the benediction and sleep through your cue.

End Run: taking the long way around a difficult situation.

Flex Defense: the ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option: the decision of 75% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Screen Play: using video and PowerPoint as part of your Sabbath/Sunday morning worship.

Blitz: the rush to the parking lot to get to the restaurant first following the closing prayer.

[JoeMo]

Love both of the above ...