War on Brats

[Amelia]

War on Brats

Café's move to boot bad kids kicks up skirmish between the childless and the child-centered.

By Jodi Wilgoren / New York Times

Sunday, November 20, 2005

CHICAGO -- Bridget Dehl shushed her 21-month-old son Gavin, then clapped a hand over his mouth to squelch his tiny screams amid the Sunday brunch bustle. When Gavin kept yelping "yeah, yeah, yeah," Dehl quickly whisked him from his highchair and out the door.

Right past the sign warning the cafe's customers that "Children of all ages have to behave and use their indoor voices when coming to A Taste of Heaven," and right into a nasty spat roiling the stroller set in Chicago's changing Andersonville neighborhood.

The owner of A Taste of Heaven, Dan McCauley, said he posted the sign -- at child level, with playful handprints -- in the hope of quieting his tin-ceilinged cafe, where toddlers have been known to sprawl between tables and hurl themselves at display cases for sport.

But many neighborhood mothers took umbrage at the implied criticism of how they handle their children. Soon, whispers of a boycott passed among the playgroups in this North Side hamlet, once an outpost of edgy artists and hip gay couples but now a hot real estate market for young professional families shunning the suburbs.

"I love people who don't have children who tell you how to parent," said Alison Miller, 35, a psychologist, corporate coach and mother of two. "I'd love for him to be responsible for three children for the next year and see if he can control the volume of their voices every minute of the day."

McCauley, 44, said the protesting parents are "former cheerleaders and beauty queens" who "have a very strong sense of entitlement." In an open letter to the community, he warned of an "epidemic" of anti-social behavior.

"Part of parenting skills is teaching kids they behave differently in a restaurant than they do on the playground," McCauley said. "If you send out positive energy, positive energy returns to you. If you send out energy that says I'm the only one that matters, it's going to be a pretty chaotic world."

And so simmers another skirmish between the childless and the child-centered, a culture clash increasingly common in restaurants and other public spaces as a new generation of busy, older, well-off parents ferry little ones with them.

• An online petition urging child-free sections in North Carolina restaurants drew hundreds of signers, including Janelle Funk, who wrote, "Whenever a hostess asks me 'smoking or nonsmoking?' I respond, 'No kids!' "

• At Mendo Bistro in Fort Bragg, Calif., the owners declare "Well-behaved children and parents welcome" to try to stop unmonitored youngsters from tap-dancing on the 100-year-old wood floors.

• Menus at Zumbro Cafe in Minneapolis say: "We love children, especially when they're tucked into chairs and behaving," which Barbara Daenzer said she read as an invitation to cease her weekly breakfast visits when her son was born.

• Even at the Full Moon in Cambridge, Mass., a cafe created for families, there are rules about inside voices and a "No lifeguard on duty" sign to remind parents to take responsibility. "You run the risk when you start monitoring behavior," said the Full Moon's owner, Sarah Wheaton. "You can say no cell phones to people, but you can't say your father speaks too loudly, he has to keep his voice down. And you can't really say your toddler is too loud when she's eating."

Here in Chicago, parents have denounced Toast, a popular Lincoln Park breakfast spot, as unwelcoming since a note about using inside voices appeared on the menu six months ago.

The owner of John's Place established a separate "family-friendly" room a year ago, only to face parental threats of lawsuits.

When a retail clerk in Andersonville asked a woman to stop breast-feeding last spring, "the neighborhood set him straight real fast," said Mary Ann Smith, the area's alderwoman.

Things got ugly

After a dozen years at one site, McCauley moved A Taste of Heaven six blocks away in May 2004, to a busy corner on Clark Street. The clientele is whiter, wealthier and louder, he said. Teachers and writers seeking afternoon refuge were drowned out not just by children running amok but also by oblivious cell phone chatterers.

Children were climbing the cafe's poles. A couple were blithely reading the newspaper while their daughter lay on the floor blocking the line for coffee. When the family whose children were running across the room to flail themselves against the display cases left after his admonishment, McCauley recalled, the restaurant erupted in applause.

So he put up the sign. Then things really got ugly.

"The looks I would get when I went in there made me so nervous that I would try to buy the food as fast as I could and get out," said Laura Brauer, 40, who has stopped visiting Taste with her two kids.

"I think that the mothers who allow their kids to run around and scream, that's wrong, but kids scream and there is nothing you can do about it. What are we supposed to do, not enjoy ourselves at a cafe?"

Miller said that one day when her son, then 4 months old, was fussing, a staff member rolled her eyes and announced for all to hear, "We've got a screamer!"

Kim Cavitt recalled having coffee and a cookie one afternoon with her boisterous 2-year-old when "someone came over and said you just need to keep her quiet or you need to leave."

"We left, and we haven't been back since," Cavitt said. "You go to a coffee shop or a bakery for a rest, to relax, and that you would have to worry the whole time about your child doing something that children do -- really what they're saying is they don't welcome children, they want the child to behave like an adult."

Why suffer such scorn, the mothers said, when clerks at the Swedish Bakery, a neighborhood institution, offer children -- calm or crying -- free cookies? Why confront such criticism when the recently opened Sweet Occasions, a five-minute walk down Clark Street, designed the bathroom aisle to accommodate double strollers and offers a child-size ice cream cone for $1.50? (At A Taste of Heaven, the smallest costs $3.75.)

"It's his business; he has the right to put whatever sign he wants on the door," Miller said. "And people have the right to respond to that sign however they want."

Owner won't back down

McCauley said he had received kudos from several restaurant owners in the area, though none had followed his lead. He has certainly lost customers because of the sign, but some parents say the offense is outweighed by their addiction to the scones, and others embrace the effort at etiquette.

"The litmus test for me is if they have high chairs or not," said Dehl, the woman who scooped her screaming son from his seat during brunch, as she waited out his restlessness on a sidewalk bench. "The fact that they had one high chair, and the fact that he's the only child in the restaurant is an indication that it's an adult place, and if he's going to do his toddler thing we should take him out and let him run around."

McCauley said he would rather go out of business than back down. He likens this one small step toward good manners to his personal effort to decrease pollution by only hiring employees who live close enough to walk to work.

"I can't change the situation in Iraq; I can't change the situation in New Orleans," he said. "But I can change this little corner of the world."

[cricket]

Sounds like church.

[Bravus]

I dunno - we've never had any major issues with our kids in whatever public places. Either they behaved appropriately for that place or we removed them - it's part of basic courtesy on the part of the parents, IMO. Now, I know we had it easier, and that there are kids with various learning disabilities, affective challenges and so on whose parents have it much tougher than we did. I think the public and the restaurant owners should be - and generally are - willing to make allowances in those situations, just as they do for patrons in wheelchairs and so on. I think Mr McCauley might have a point though, when he says it's about a 'culture of entitlement'. More responsibility on the part of parents and simple consideration of the other patrons goes a long way.

[Amelia]

Well I've seen similar things happen in dept and grocery stores. Parent/parents feel that it's just one big playground for the kids. They come in and the kids vanish. They play tag up and down the aisles regardless of shoppers. Hide and seek in the clothing racks. Drives me nuts.

When parents can't be bothered to mind their children and expect you to just accept and arrange your life to theirs, something is very wrong.

[Derrell M]

With an infant, much of the noise problems can't be helped. My daughter had cholic when she was a baby and she did her share of screaming. We would simply abandon the cart, scurry out to the car, and try to settle her down before finishing our shopping. Eating out became a rarrity, and going to movies just stopped completely.

As little tots, my kids didn't want to ride in the cart, so they learned that if they behaved and stayed close they could walk. In restaurants they know to stay in their seat and speak quietly. There are people who can't stand to hear kids laughing and chattering. It gets on their nerves. Other than in places like restaurants, church, and a few other places, I figure the heck with that.

[cricket]

Quote:

---

There are people who can't stand to hear kids laughing and chattering.

---

Truly, I pity those people.

Good Clean Funnies List: Ice Cream is Good for the Soul

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son had asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if

Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all. Amen." Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream. Why, I never." Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, " I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?," my son asked.

"Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his ice cream for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already."

[swisskris]

Now it would be nice to have Paul Harvey tell us the rest of the story!

[Morning Glory]

That is a great story!! I have seen it several times, and love it each time I see it. Good lesson to keep in mind. Thanks for sharing it again.

Bobbie

[Derrell M]

Oh, I'm glad you feel that way Christine. This Summer I worked at the GC Sessions and I took my kids around the convention center and through the places in St. Louis that kids would enjoy. They absolutely loved it! All of it. Nobody threw fits over them being kids. At the convention center I had to attribute it to them being little TV personalities, but in the city they were just anonymous kids. St. Louis treated them well and they were a pleasure to the people who observed them in St. Louis.

[Derrell M]

I have to tell you a story about one of my sons and a toilet plunger.

One day we went to Dollar General to pick up a few items, and my kids asked if they could each get one thing that cost one dollar. I said yes. three of the kids got some small toys, but one of them wanted a plunger. I told him that it was something for cleaning potties, but he still wanted it, so I bought it for him.

He stuck it on the TVs, on the windows, and opened the refrigerator door with it. I went out in the yard and saw it hanging from the car windows. He had a great time with his toilet plunger.

Last night we went to a Fall Festival a the school, and he brought his plunger. The place was packed, but when he walked in brandishing that plunger the crowd parted like the Red Sea. The folks kept telling him to take it back to the bathroom. He stuck it to the backs of peoples chairs, and they fled. He tried to use it in the games being played, and won by default. He even named it "Plungie."

Yesterday afternoon I heard him talking with his little brother, and he said, "Excuse me, but my plunger and I could use a little privacy, ok?"

The most ingenious of people usually start out as the most outrageous.

[swisskris]

I couldn't stop laughing. I could just imagine one of your kids and his "Plungie" bringing terror to the good people at his school's Fall Festival. Toilet humor seems to run in the family. Maybe when he gets a little older he will start whittling apples. Well, at least he comes by it naturally. I doubt that even "Plungie" could pull a certain person out of their current situation. Good job.

[Derrell M]

Nope, the toilet is hopelessly clogged. LOL!!!!

Whats in there is big and nasty, and came from...well... an... ahem.

[swisskris]

Click. I hear the sound and feel the movement of air. How soon is something going to hit the fan? Hopefully you are out of range, it could get really stinky.

[cricket]

Friend,

I'm so glad you had such a wonderful experience in St. Louis. I've always felt that we're a family-friendly city: your experience helps confirm my suspicions!

I love the story of the plunger! My son bought a walking cane from the Dollar Store just this week. I was holding it when I ran into someone I hadn't seen for 20 years and she asked me what had happened that I'd need a cane. It was a long, weird explanation when I said that my son (10) had purchased it as a toy and he wanted to take it with him everywhere!

~Chrys