Lessons My Jewish Mother Taught Me

[phkrause]

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'till all your spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times – Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"