Relationship endings

[Gail]

Which is harder- coming to the end of a good relationship or a bad one?

The end of a good one is painful because of your attachment to the person: you would rather that it not end.

The end of a bad relationship brings with it a sense of failure of not being able to save it or make it work. There might be also a sense of wasted time.

[Outta Here]

For me, it depends on HOW the relationship ends. If it just fizzles out slowly over time, neither the good or bad hurts. But abrupt endings always hurt if the relationship lasted long enough for emotional attachment.

[Naomi]

I do agree with Aubrey, if it just fizzles out then there usually isn't much emotion attached.  You may have some memories and/or regrets but they are fleeting.

More to the point is what kind of relationship was it  Personal, romantic, co-worker ???  They all carry a different level of commitment and emotional (at least for me)

 There is always an empty place in your heart when you loose a person who has been a part of your life ... on any level.

I do believe that we hurt more if we were, in part, guilty of something that caused the relationship to end. 

It has been said that when one loses a spouse the surviving spouse from a good, solid marriage will move on more quickly, with less sadness than the surviving spouse in a difficult marriage. 

Edited July 18, 2015 by Naomi

[Jeannieb43]

Someone has said, "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to  have loved at all."

Back in my dating days I always used to look at a relationship's ending as having given me a part of that person, to hold in my heart forever.   I have so many wonderful memories of times with good friends and lovers; those memories are there in my "data bank" for me to call upon and bring up again to enjoy in retrospect.  And when a bad relationship ended [which also happened occasionally, of course], I just chalked it up to experience and knew that I would never fall for those personality flaws again in the future.

It takes some of both types to make LIFE.

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

why would a *good* relationship end?  (except, maybe, in death)  Even friends I've not seen in 30 years are instantly my friends again when we've met in person or on FB.

why would ending a *bad* relationship be hard? (unless you have an addictive personality or you've invested a lot of your self and time in him/her) ... but even at that, I can think of specific situations where a wife or husband was in iconic relief at getting a divorce..

[DreamWeaver]

I think both would hurt equally for me when I think about it. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to give up on the person I'm with, and I always invest a lot of strong feelings and efforts into a relationship. So the terms "good relationship" and "bad relationship" are not so black and white to me. Sometimes just thinking about snipping the bond I share with a guy that I know so well is enough to make me say, "What's really going on here? And how can I do my part to fix it?"

[Gail]

why would a *good* relationship end?  (except, maybe, in death)  Even friends I've not seen in 30 years are instantly my friends again when we've met in person or on FB.

why would ending a *bad* relationship be hard? (unless you have an addictive personality or you've invested a lot of your self and time in him/her) ... but even at that, I can think of specific situations where a wife or husband was in iconic relief at getting a divorce..

Yes, to the bits you put inside parentheses   

 I was one of those who had relief when my first marriage ended. But it is not like that for everyone. Sometimes there are unfulfilled expectancies of one or the other. Perhaps the sad part of a marriage is that it begins with hopes and dreams.

An example of the end of a good relationship is when the dynamics change and the relationship is forced to go along with it or not continue. Sometimes the friendship itself changes due to uncontrollable circumstances.

[Gail]

Someone has said, "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to  have loved at all."

Back in my dating days I always used to look at a relationship's ending as having given me a part of that person, to hold in my heart forever.   I have so many wonderful memories of times with good friends and lovers; those memories are there in my "data bank" for me to call upon and bring up again to enjoy in retrospect.  And when a bad relationship ended [which also happened occasionally, of course], I just chalked it up to experience and knew that I would never fall for those personality flaws again in the future.

It takes some of both types to make LIFE.

I agree with you, Jeannie- the stuff of life that makes it worth the living

[Stan]

Someone has said, "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to  have loved at all."

Back in my dating days I always used to look at a relationship's ending as having given me a part of that person, to hold in my heart forever.   I have so many wonderful memories of times with good friends and lovers; those memories are there in my "data bank" for me to call upon and bring up again to enjoy in retrospect.  And when a bad relationship ended [which also happened occasionally, of course], I just chalked it up to experience and knew that I would never fall for those personality flaws again in the future.

It takes some of both types to make LIFE.

Have always appreciated your voice or reason.  Thank you for that over the past almost 15 years.

[Aliensanctuary]

Selfishness has ruined far too many relationships. After the first blush of friendship and the honeymoon, selfishness slowly rises up and creates a separation by generating dark clouds over the relationship, causing former loves to lose their way. Now, all that they want to do is to escape the tyranny of unholy wedlock and a train-wreck of a relationship.

For the Love of Self is the root of all evil. A.S.

Now, self-sacrificing love endures the normal trials and tribulations of life. There is a point, though, when self-preservation of mental health and/or protection of children are more important than self-sacrifice. The violent, self-centered abuser of women and children creates waves of destruction and clouds of darkness that ripple across eternity.

[JoeMo]

why would a *good* relationship end?  (except, maybe, in death)  Even friends I've not seen in 30 years are instantly my friends again when we've met in person or on FB.

why would ending a *bad* relationship be hard? (unless you have an addictive personality or you've invested a lot of your self and time in him/her) ... but even at that, I can think of specific situations where a wife or husband was in iconic relief at getting a divorce..

A good relationship can also end by evolving into a bad relationship.  Also, sometimes that "good relationship" is an illusion. Not many people ever got married because they felt like they were in a bad relationship. A divorce rate of 50% or more (inside and outside the church)  confirms that people make mistakes when it comes to what is a "good" relationship.

Sometimes, after many years of a good relationship, things turn sour.  People put much effort into restoring the relationship; but it doesn't work.  Ending that "bad" relationship is difficult because (at least in my case) feel like a failure for having failed at one of life's most important goals (happy marriage and family); and frustrated at having wasted all those years and having to start over.

That being said, there are positive lessons learned in both good and bad relationships - even if that lesson is "I'll never do THAT again!

Sometimes relationships just evolve without ending.  Many marriages are that way.  A relationship that started with so much positive energy and passion gets interrupted by the reality of kids, everyday hassles, growing old, hormones, money, etc. It's a rare couple who is still as passionately romantic at 60 as they were at 25.

Any relationship in which the end result is not permanent enmity is a good ending (or at least good "evolution").

Edited July 20, 2015 by JoeMo

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

perhaps I wrongly assumed that a "good relationship" meant "good"....

[8thdaypriest]

We human beings are messed up!  All of us.  And that means we hurt each other.  Some hurt is inevitable.  A "good" relationship is just one in which there is LESS hurt. 

Sometimes the HURT is so bad that the person becomes fearful of entering any relationship again.  She shuts herself off from people - emotionally.  She may grow a very hard shell.  I did.

The only way that we can go out and enter into friendships or love relationships, after being badly hurt, is to understand that Jesus is the healer.  We must just accept that some HURT is inevitable in this old world - but Jesus can heal that hurt.  When you know that Jesus can, and will, heal the hurt - then you are less fearful, and that allows you to be more open to relationships.

I divorced 3 years into marriage - waaaaay back in 1974.  I married again 7 years later, and I'm still married to the greatest guy ever.   I still have some problems with friendship.  I expect too much I think.  But I'm learning. . . . . 

[JoeMo]

perhaps I wrongly assumed that a "good relationship" meant "good"....

Don't you think that all relationships go through "good" and "bad" periods?  I dunno if you can even have a real "relationship" without working through conflict.  I've been married for over 30 years.  If my wife and I didn't work through the bad times in our relationship (and there have been several), we would have terminated the "bad" relationship 29.5 years ago.

Maybe the bad relationship is the one in which we are incapable of putting forth the effort to resolve a conflict - even if it means "agreeing to disagree".

When I want to get the last word in an argument, I find that apologizing usually works.

Edited July 20, 2015 by JoeMo

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

good relationships can go through good and bad times... and bad relationships can go through good and bad times.  Perhaps I'm wrong, but in my view, the "times" should not be what defines a relationship as "good" or "bad".... 

[DreamWeaver]

Don't you think that all relationships go through "good" and "bad" periods?  I dunno if you can even have a real "relationship" without working through conflict.  I've been married for over 30 years.  If my wife and I didn't work through the bad times in our relationship (and there have been several), we would have terminated the "bad" relationship 29.5 years ago.

Maybe the bad relationship is the one in which we are incapable of putting forth the effort to resolve a conflict - even if it means "agreeing to disagree".

When I want to get the last word in an argument, I find that apologizing usually works.

!

[Deaconess]

Ending a bad family relationship is difficult not only because of the time and effort expended, but the damage inflicted over many years with guilt for having reacted badly yourself sometimes.   It can be hard to trust others after being played by a skilled manipulator and liar.  They can wrap a halo around their behavior while trashing your reputation and recruiting people to align against you and provoking others to attack you further.   Trying to explain only perpetuates the chatter and will be used against you in ways you could never predict.   It can take significant time to assess, process, and actually mourn what you wished might have been.  You can pray for them without engaging them.  When you reach the point of not even trying to explain yourself anymore to anyone but God, you will someday look around and find that your life has become peaceful.