Neil D Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 NASA Completely Forgot Probe Was Returning Today February 8, 2006 | Issue 42•06 PASADENA, CA—NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory was thrown into chaos Monday after an Australian radar-tracking station notified JPL staff that Stardust II, an unmanned cometary probe, was scheduled to re-enter Earth's orbit in fewer than eight hours. "Holy *manure, we completely forgot," said Dave Browning. "I have so much to do—set up a schedule, clean up the clean room. Oh, Lordy—the recovery party—where the heck are they?" After the probe landed early Tuesday morning, relieved JPL personnel pronounced the mission a success and asked the news media to call them on June 22, the day before Acheron VII is scheduled to return. * Some language has been cleaned up for publishing here in the humor section.... --------------------------------------------------------- Investigative Reporter Ruins Fish Sticks For Everybody February 8, 2006 | Issue 42•06 BOSTON—According to the paper's readers, a report on commercial seafood-processing practices published in Tuesday's Boston Globe has ruined fish sticks for everyone. "I used to love a big plate of fish sticks," mechanic Barney Rosetti said. "Not anymore, thanks to Steve Nelsen. Did he really have to use the part about emulsified scales and flash-frozen offal slurry? Thanks a lot, stupid." Readers have declared a two-day boycott of the Globe, timed to coincide with Nelsen's report on precisely what constitutes "breading" under current law. ----------------------------------------------------------- African Child Loves His ‘World Champion Seahawks’ T-Shirt February 9, 2006 | Onion Sports KAMPALA, UGANDA—10-year-old Akello Semesseke, wearing the new "World Champion Seattle Seahawks" T-shirt given to him Tuesday by an anonymous NFL-licensed promotions manufacturer, expressed his gratitude for the gift while admitting he was not familiar with the sport of American football. "The Seahawks must be as generous of heart as they are victorious on the field of whatever sport they play to share their clothing with us," said Semesseke, whose entire village was given one each of the teal and gray shirts, with one exception. "My father refused his new shirt," Semesseke explained, "because although he did need one, he felt it would be disrespectful to the World Champion Eagles, who kindly gave him both a shirt and cap last year." Semesseke added that if the Seahawks had included 80 cents a day along with the shirt, he could eat. ======================================================= Dad Retires After Watching Football For 25 Years February 8, 2006 | Onion Sports TEMPE, AZ—Norm Roosevelt, 52, who has worked full-time as a Radisson hotel manager while watching football games, recordings of football games, and NFL Films highlight tapes since 1980, announced Tuesday that he will retire in early March. "It's been a good run, that's for sure," said Roosevelt, who had waited until he finished watching this years' Super Bowl from behind his hotel's front desk to make the decision. "But I think it's time I hang it up and spend some time watching my son watch football before it's too late." News of Roosevelt's retirement was received graciously by the West Side Tempe Radisson team front-office personnel, who joked with Roosevelt about all the reprimands in his file for watching televised sports on company time. -------------------------------------------- News in brief was brought to you by THE ONION....You can view other brief news, or see the origional copies at The Onion's home page Quote Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. George Bernard Shaw
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