Record - February 2006

[Dr. Shane]

They get it!

[Dr. Shane]

Here is the link:

Strong Families

[olger]

Sounds good !!!

Very true and very useful.

gcw

[darlene]

How can our church have strong families when over 50% of the members are single? Could this perhaps be why the SS lessons this quarter are on families?

This week I spoke to a pastor from a church in our conference that has had many baptisms as a result of evangelism (Leo Schreven)over the past couple of years. I asked him if many of those who were baptised recently were single adults. He said there were a couple. I then asked him that of those leaving his church were they single people? At first he said 'no' then the light went on and he said 'yes' they are. His conclusion was "We need to have a Single Adult Ministry, because the single adults don't feel welcome in our church." So, my conclusion is..Our church needs to take a look at this. If our society today is made up of over 50% singles then we must find a way to evangelize the single adult. And we must find a way to help our churches be warm and friendly places for all people whether they are married or single. Aren't we all a part of God's family whatever status we are?

Sure, if we have strong families we'll have a strong church. However, that is not reality today in our society. Our church M U S T change so that we are a place where all are loved and supported whatever status we find ourselves in. So, Shane, what you say might be true in an 'ideal family' church setting but it is not the stand that Christians should take today. We are brothers and sisters with the same Heavenly Father and he loves us all equally whether we are married or single; after all our Heavenly Brother was single. He had a mission to accomplish.

[gina i]

Darlene, I wholeheartedly agree with you.

I am married, but I often feel that the focus is always on married people. That makes me a little sad. So much that I haven't even gotten into this Family quarterly. It also focuses a lot on families, as in KIDS, and I don't have any of those, nor do I plan on it.

[Dr. Shane]

I found it much easier to be a spiritual Christian when I was single. I attended every service during the week at my church. I was also involved in some study groups with other denominations. I had spent plenty of time reading the Bible. I read spiritual magazines and books too. I read the entire Conflict of The Ages series.

I was active in a few singles ministies but, quite honestly, they all seemed to be like dating services. It seemed everyone participating was looking for someone else they could pair up with. Nothing wrong with that but it is not the same as Women's, Men's or marrital ministries.

Some of those that consider themselves single are actually divorced. Of these some (not all) may have been able to stay married if the church would have been more focused on marital and family health. My wife and I have a fantasic pastor that comes out to our home and counsels us on everything from disciplining the children to managing our time. This is the first pastor I have had that would do that.

Now I have my wife and kids tugging on me for my time. It is not so easy to attend all of the church functions or spend two or three hours each evening in spiritual study. It takes dedication and commitment to get the family off to prayer meeting, vespers, AY and Sabbath morning service. I must also commit to daily family worship and, in my home, make sure it happens.

Just the marrital relationship itself is work. I need to stay focused on my wife's emotional and spiritual needs and how I can be the husband she needs. I must keep our relationship the center of our marriage. We cannot let our marriage revolve around our kids. While we need to nurish them spiritually and emotionaly, we need to make sure we nurish each other spiritually and emotionally too.

A marriage is a lot of work if one wants to make it a good one. Single life was never as challenging to me. I can understand quite easily why Paul said it is better to stay single if one can.

[Dr. Shane]

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I am married, but I often feel that the focus is always on married people.

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This isn't a competition for goodness sake. The church can focus on the needs of families and singles too. Just becuase the church is waking up to its need to focus on the family doesn't mean it is going to start ignoring the singles.

[darlene]

Start ignoring the singles? To my knowledge the church has never ever focused on the singles have they?

Actually, I am very fortunate to be working in a conference that is very supportive on the single adult. In fact it is the first conference in the NAD that has a Singles Ministries Department and a Singles Ministries Director. (really)

Now, I don't think the church should take the focus away from the married people but, rather they should share it equally with the single people. After all, we are all equal in God's eyes.

You also mentioned, Shawn, that when you attended Single Adult Ministries events it was more like a dating club. That is very sad because the ministry is just that a 'ministry.' It is not a place to hunt for a spouse. When I first started working in the ministry that is the way it was here too, but fortunately, we have managed to change that. We still have a few who come for that reason. Marriage is a good thing but, we should not make it the main reason why we live. The Lord has given to some the 'gift' of singleness and we need to remember that. For those who don't have the 'gift' I believe that God allows people to be single because it is an opportunity in time to focus on Him and work on our relationship with Him. He is coming soon and He wants to save as many as possible.

[Dr. Shane]

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they should share it equally with the single people.

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The church's "attention" is not like a pie that is divided up. It doesn't have to "share" attention. That would imply doing less for families in order to do more for singles. It can do more for families than it is now doing AND more for singles than it is now doing. Where I live, I would guess that 50% of our churches are made up of people under 30 so I am sure many of them are single. However most of them will eventually get married too.

As surprising as it may be. Many 20 somethings that get married and have a baby really don't know how to be a good Christian family. It isn't something that is taught in high school or part of prime-time television. Children place a stress on a marriage that can ruin the spiritual lives of a young couple if the church does not help them.

When I was single, I think the church did an excellent job. I had a very spiritual life. As a single person, I was invited to Sabbath dinner much more often than I am now that I am married. Now it is my wife and I that invite singles to eat with us. I couldn't afford car insurance so there were church members that picked me up for Sabbath and prayer meeting. I was always contacted and asked to get involved with Revelation Seminars. Our local churches has lots of activities for the singles since so many are not yet married.

This focus on the family in the Adventist church is long overdue. The church has done far too little for far too long. Historically the church has focused much more on prophecy than on anything else. Many churches have at least one prophecy seminar per year and goes years without having a marriage retreat semeniar. Many pastors do not visit families in their homes and give them support and guidence. Many pastors are not even aware of marrital problems that exist in their congregations. If we want healthy churches we need healthy families. When we have healthy families we will attract more to us.

[LifeHiscost]

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darlene said:

We are brothers and sisters with the same Heavenly Father and he loves us all equally whether we are married or single; after all our Heavenly Brother was single. He had a mission to accomplish.

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Aren't we reaching out to people? All singles, married, children, adults, men, women, ad infnitum.

[:"red"] "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus." [/] Gal 3:28 KJV

And if we each reach out in the church, to the same people we reached out to when they weren't in the church, would we feel an excluded segment?

And as disciples, after having heeded the invitation to enter the fold, Jesus known to be the Head, would we then separate ourselves from the fold of which we felt a part?

[:"red"] "This [Jesus] is the Stone which was despised and rejected by you, the builders, but which has become the Head of the corner [the Cornerstone]." [/] Acts 4:11 AMP

[darlene]

I agreed with you, Shane, that in the past the church has focused on prophecy and theology. Now that is not a bad thing, however, when those in the church family are ignored to the extent that they have been, then that is not good. One of my assignments at work is Family Ministries. Families in our church do need to be helped more, however, not to the extent that others in the church are ignored. We must not forget the single parent family, the blended family, the separated family, or the single adult. All are to be loved and accepted as part of the 'church family.' None should be considered second-class church members. We are all Children of God.

[Dr. Shane]

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We must not forget the single parent family, the blended family, the separated family, or the single adult.

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I did not see anything contrary to that in the Record's article. In fact, I think they stated such. I did provide a link to the article for anyone to read.

[darlene]

I'm not trying to argue with you Shane. I'm just trying to make the point that all who come to our church need to be accepted, loved and nurtured equally. We are all Children of God whatever our marital status is. All those in our community, wherever we live, are equally precious candidates for God's Kingdom and all of us in our church needs to view them as such.

[Dr. Shane]

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I'm just trying to make the point that all who come to our church need to be accepted, loved and nurtured equally.

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Did the article imply otherwise? I didn't see that if it did.

[LifeHiscost]

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Shane said:

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I am married, but I often feel that the focus is always on married people.

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This isn't a competition for goodness sake.

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As a 24/7 cregiver, in which it is often necessary to leave the worship services (most often) before the services are over, and sometimes not even attend due to my sense of need at home, I could complain that our needs are not being met by the body of believers.

However I see God as Sovereign. What is, is what He has not interceded to change. Though my prayers may be to have Him intercede, He hasn't. Would it be right for me to complain to Him because my wishes and wants were not as forthcoming as I would have it? Or would it be better for me to submit to what I have not full control and ask for the spiritual life He would have me live under the prevailing circumstances?

I thank God He has given me an uncomplaining wife, who cries sometimes when she is unable to attend where the body of believers are finding spiritual strength. As for me, I have found some of my highest spiritual strength in the moments of morning worship with her. Moments when it would seem that God could very well just transport us one step further into His very presence.

Under the circumstances does my wife always act as a saint?

And would that help me be faithful if she always did?

And would she be better off if I always acted most saintly? You be the judge.

One thing for which I do thank God. He has provided me an atmosphere in which I needed the greatest help, learning how to be patient under conditions in which I knew things could be better, but weren't.

[:"red"] "Not that I am implying that I was in any personal want, for I have learned how to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am." [/] Phil 4:11 AMP

[:"red"] "Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus." [/] Philippians 3:12 KJV

Keep the faith!

[LifeHiscost]

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Shane said:

Did the article imply otherwise? I didn't see that if it did.

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And even if it did (I didn't read it) that wouldn't make me any more or less responsible for inviting Jesus to make me the best disciple I could be under the prevailing circumstances.

[:"red"] "..so let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works, and may glorify your Father who [is] in the heavens." [/] Matthew 5:16 YLT

[olger]

How long have you been single, Darlene?

olger

[darlene]

Well, I've been around long enough to know that some have been given the 'gift' of marriage while others have been given the 'gift' of singleness. Those who are given the 'gift' of singleness can do more work for the Lord as a single than they could if they were married. How's that for an answer? <img src="/ubbtreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[Neil D]

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How's that for an answer?

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Twas a singularily dynamic answer!

[Jerry D Thomas]

Thanks, Shane for sharing our article from the Record. If any of you do go to the Record web site, check out some of our other issues. Recent issues feature the "Tell the World" initiative and the union constituency report.

We featured family ministries in its broadest sense--families of any size and make-up, including singles. Many of our singles are parents now living alone or raising children alone.

To me, what family ministries emphasizes is that church members are people first--and if their relationships with others are out of balance, then their church experience and their ability to minister are affected badly.

Strong families = strong churches

[darlene]

I'm glad you have included singles in your 'families' both biological and church, Jerry D. T. Now our churches need to get that message and help the singles know and feel the inclusion. <img src="/ubbtreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

[olger]

Dear Darlene: Thank you for your response.

According to Proverbs, marriage is a blessing, and a gift from God. This is also emphasized in Ephesians 5 & 1 Peter 3. Two people (man & wife) who care about the heart of each other are saying something positive about the Godhead. Thus, marriage becomes an illustration of divinity.

The reason that marriages fail is not because we married the wrong person. The reason that marriages experience problems is entirely due to the unresolved issues that both partners brought into the marriage. The enemy will use these issues to bring barriers & defeat into the life of a couple. But there is a solution.

We can each own our issues and allow God to resolve every issue that would keep us from oneness. This is the way of wisdom & happiness.

Paul did not command singleness, but rather emphasized that if a person was single they should honor God with their whole heart.

A connected marriage where husband & wife love each other and walk in freedom is still the ideal of heaven. It is evangelism.

bless you,

olger

[Neil D]

Olger,

Thank you for that response to marriage....

It surely behoves us to know ourselves well and resolves some issues that we carry into a marriage....

Perhaps we were a bit more honest knowing ourselves that we could honestly assess if we were marriagable material...

[olger]

Hi Neil. Bless you.

God never intended that our marriages would be frustrating.

There are three types of marriage relationships:

Endure Marriage. It’s a burden. You have to put up with each other because you’re married. You made a commitment as a believer to stay together and so you endure a relationship with each other.

Escape Marriage. That is a relationship that you try to escape from. You’re feeling so damaged that you would just like to run away from this relationship. You want to block it out—just hide your heart from all the pain you’re experiencing inside. You just want to run, get away from the pressure.

Enjoy Marriage. But there’s a third kind of relationship. That’s the kind of marriage that you enjoy. Can I invite you to move to the third relationship? This relationship is available to every couple, who allows God to break every stronghold that is blocking their relationship. This is the only kind of relationship that God wants.

gcw