Male-Female Friendships

[JoeMo]

Off and on over the past few years, I have had discussions with people about whether or not men and women can be strictly friends in a platonic relationship.  This is likely a more important topic for married men and women than for singles.  In discussions with my daughters, I have one engaged daughter who says male-female "just friends" relationships are impossible without one eventually falling for the other one.  My other married daughter has several male friends that she just hangs out with cuz she thinks men are easier to get along with than other women.

Where I work, there are several people who have good friends of both genders; while others stay exclusively with their own gender for friends beyond being just business peers.  I for one have no problem having female friends, because women generally have broader interests than just sports money, and sex; and make for better and healthier conversations.  However, some question my friendships with women, telling me that I am risking my professional and spiritual reputation by having women friends.  I don't discount this concern, because in my professional career of 40 years; I have seen my share of office friendships evolve into office romances and ended marriages.  My wife trusts me explicitly ( as I trust her).  She has always got along better with men than women; and I have no problem with that.

We have been faithful to one another for 35 years; and trust each other not to violate our marriage vows.     That trust is (I believe) necessary in any relationship.  My wife has no problems with any of my female friends; and I don't have any problems with her male friends.  This is likely to be a stickier situation at most churches than it is at work.

What do you think?  Do you think men and women (particularly at work or church) can be just "friends" (albeit good friends) without the risk of getting romantically involved (or someone starting a rumor that they are romantically involved; in which case they will likely be considered guilty until proven innocent by many)?

[CoAspen]

Yes.

 

[Outta Here]

Sure they "can" (as proved in your original post). But here's a question: why NOT try to have more friends of the same gender? You say women "generally" have broader interests than just sports, money, and sex--why not try and challenge the men around you to being interested in other things. I think you're short-changing your life experiences by going the "easy" route of having friendships with a majority of one sex over the other. 

For the record, I don't have personal friendships with men. Non-romantic friendship *doesn't* work for me. Maybe I'm just too attractive to the opposite sex! My marriage nearly fell apart because of it. So, for the past 15 years, I've always shunned relationships with men outside of "family" relationships. It's been a real challenge for me, because, as your second daughter says, "men are just easier to get along with". I took on that challenge though--and my life is so much richer for it! 

Also have to add...I have one grandmother in her 90s who has for years (30+) insisted that relationships between men and women CAN be "just friends" and that anyone who doesn't believe that is wrong, wrong, wrong! Well...guess what. After 30 years, I finally *caught* her and her "just friend" in a compromising position. She was mortified--having lived that lie for so long!

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

I believe women can have platonic friendships with men, and men can have platonic friendships with women.  I generally get along better with men than women.

However, I would have reservations about a married man or woman going out on the town alone with someone of the opposite sex.  I think that's inviting trouble.

[Gregory Matthews]

People are different individually.  What may be good for one person may not be good for the other person.

I am a very strong introvert.   My wife has had to realize that such is just me.  It is my personality and the way that I am.  At the same time, my wife is more extroverted than am I.  So, that has required some adjustment on my part.

I a personal basis, I am more likely to feel friendship with a female than with a male.  It does not mean that I do not see males as friends.  it simply means that I am more likely to see a female as a friend.

I will suggest that it is very important for individuals to be honest with themselves as to what their preference is.  That is the first step in taking control of one's life.  A second step is in making a conscious decision as to boundaries.   One of the boundaries that I have established is that my wife will be informed as to how I am relating to any female with whom I have any kind of regular contact.   So, if I get an e-mail, or I have a telephone conversation, that is shared with my wife.

E.G.  Some 45+ years ago, my then wife and I were close to two young girls.  Within the past couple of weeks, they have been in contact with my ex-wife and I.  My present wife has been a part of all of this. 

This brings about a second boundary that I have established:  Any woman whom I look upon as a friend will be expected to relate in a positive manner to my wife.

There are other boundaries that I have established as to relationships that I might have with   females.  But, the points that I want to make include:

*  People are different.  We are not all alike.  What is good for one may not be good for another.

*  Boundaries must be established.

*  Those boundaries include fitting the spouse into the relationship.

*  Individuals must be honest as to what is going on with them in any relationship.

  

 

 

[JoeMo]

3 hours ago, Aubrey said:

I finally *caught* her and her "just friend" in a compromising position.

I would have to bleach my eyes.  Gandma!!!!!

[Gregory Matthews]

The Wanderer said below:

Well, as a very high introvert, I have had to learn to relate in a world where clergy are generally expected to be extroverted. 

My scores on the MBTI are quite high for introversion.  There is no question that I am very comfortable as an Introvert.

E.G.  On one  occasion when I was teaching at the Army Chaplain School I had 155 clergy in my classes.  My wife had to get used to the fact that when I came home, I needed two (2) hours   to relax and wind down before I could be a nice sociable person.

In addition, at that same assignment, there was a time when I needed to tell my supervisor that I only had six (6) hours of useful work in me.  I was not going to go home.  But, at six hours I would going to relax, wind down and recover.  I was simply told that would be fine as long as I kept up with my measurable work load and I had no problem with that.  I was producing a measurable work load at that time, and I could produce in six hours more than some others were doing in eight.  So, as a result, I would be asked to take over when others could not produce what was needed within time limits.  [NOTE:   At this time I was sometimes writing course content for others to teach and sometimes for me to teach.] 

  The bottom line:  People are different.  What is good for one, may not be good for another.  To get the best out of people, we must relate to them in a manner that is focused on them and who they are.

Anyway, Wanderer, regardless as to how I may present myself here in CA, my true self is a very strong introvert and I have had to adapt to working in an extroverted profession.

 

Quote

I had to chuckle though when you said you are an introvert. You sure do not seem so some days

  Thats not a complaint or anything. Just how I see it over the miles with out having met you in person.

[Gregory Matthews]

Your comments were valid comments and I have no problem with them.

My next comment is not based upon anything that you said:

It certainly never occurred to me that you might be making fun of me.

 

 

[Gregory Matthews]

Well, probably my major challenges have been in overcoming my own stupidity and the poor choices that I have made a times.  But, God has been good and I have survived.

 

 

[B/W Photodude]

[Gregory Matthews]

B/W:  I am secure in my relationship with my wife.  I can assure you that I am not threatened by any relationship that my wife might have with any male or female.

The bottom line is:  I treat her in the same manner that I expect her to relate to me.

 

[B/W Photodude]

19 hours ago, Gregory Matthews said:

B/W:  I am secure in my relationship with my wife.  I can assure you that I am not threatened by any relationship that my wife might have with any male or female.

The photo of a text exchange I posted was not directed at anyone. It was just
something I thought was funny that I had seen and related to the topic being
discussed. No attempts to impugn anyone was intended.

Regarding treating a mate in the same manner, I tend to think, regardless of the
media and common thought out there, that most men do about the same with their
mates. I don't believe most guys really care to get involved in who their women
choose to be friends with. I know I don't. I don't collect many friends online
or in real life. My wife knows about everyone who lives in our town and clear
into the next state. (Of course, being a cashier in a farm supply store helps!)
She has about 500 Facebook friends, most of whom I have no idea who they are.
So, we do fine and have no problems with each others friendships

I tend to think with all the concern over problem friendships, that some
mistakes are not the worst thing that can happen in a relationship. So, which do
you think could be worse, a spouse who has an occasional affair or someone who
may curse you out and even be violent nearly everyday you are ever together? 

[B/W Photodude]

10 minutes ago, The Wanderer said:

Your post was great, until I got to this part. I think the question posed is not the right question, nor could it ever be answered in a balanced, reasonable way. Maybe it depends on what you mean by "mistakes?"

"Mistake" was meant to mean "an affair." While some may not think of an affair as a mistake, for some it is.

mistake -> noun ->1. an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.

Without going to exhaustive detail regarding affairs, many can slip into them without seeing where they are going until too late.

Don't think the question could really be balanced. Just trying to show that some things are not as bad as they seem or the end of the world. So, for anyone contemplating the question, which would be the worst situation?

OK, think of this, Solomon had 700 wives, so, every time he was with one of them, did he have 699 of them thinking in their hearts that he was having an affair with someone else. Obviously, the culture didn't allow them to do much about it, but that doesn't necessarily mean they liked it.

[JoeMo]

Your "synonym" for "mistake" clears things up.

I am of the opinion that an "affair" doesn't necessarily involve physical intimacy.  Men and women can get into an "emotional affair" when they share sufficiently intimate information or opinions that tend to draw on the emotions.  If I were to tell one of my "girlfriends" that my wife doesn't understand me, or refuses to be intimate with me, or is a "b" (rhymes with itch), I would be crossing a bright line.  If she were to say "oh you poor baby; how can you deal with that" and gives me a hug instead of saying "I'm not interested in your marital problems" and changes the subject, she would be crossing a bright line as well.  Sometimes emotional intimacy (or fantasies) can become a different kind of affair; but an affair nonetheless.  Just my opinion...

[Gregory Matthews]

JoMo;  As you have said, clearly there are boundaries.