Quaker Humor

[aldona]

Q. What do you get when you cross a Quaker with a Jehovah's Witness?

A. Somebody who knocks on your door and then says nothing for an hour.

A Quaker farmer came downstairs one night, having heard someone there, to find an burglar. He said, raising his gun;

'Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou art standing where I am about to fire !"

The following plain white postcard has been seen with these words:

Notice: I am a Quaker. In case of emergency, please be quiet.

It is a visitor's first visit to meeting. He asked the Quaker sitting next to him "When does the service begin?" The Quaker answered,

"When the meeting is over, the service begins..."

In a small town the local priest and rabbi meet once a year to discuss mutual concerns. After a number of years, a small Friends Meeting opens and begins to attract members. At the first discussion after this the priest mentions that he has "lost" a few members to the Meeting and the rabbi agrees. The next year the priest is activly bemoaning how many people have left "his" flock. Again the rabbi says that he has had similar "defections." The third year the two meet and the priest mentions how people he never thought would "stray" are now attending the Quaker Meeting. The rabbi looks at him and says:

"I never imagined I'd have to say this, but ... some of my best Jews are Friends!”

A Roman catholic priest meets a Friend.

The priest: "When will you recognise that our God wants us to celebrate a real mass with songs and loud spoken prayers?"

The Quaker: "At your marriage."

A Quaker farmer had a mule that would not plow straight. It would go off to the right and munch a bunch of weeds, or veer off to the left to lean on the fence, and the furrows showed it.

His Baptist neighbor would pass by on the road and laugh and allow as how he knew what would straighten out those rows,

"two-by-four upside the head, that'll straighten the mule out, and the rows will take care of themselves."

"No, said the Quaker,"in so far as it depends upon me, I must be at peace with all God's creatures, provoking though they may be." The Baptist went along home, shaking his head and muttering, "a two-by-four would do it."

The furrows got more crooked every day, and finally the Quaker dropped the reins, and went around to the front of the mule, looked him in the eye and said,

"Friend I think that thee is taking advantage of me because thee knows that I am a Quaker, and therefore I cannot and will not beat thee. What thee has not considered is that I can sell thee to the Baptist....!"

From that day on, the mule plowed the straightest rows in the county...

(from various Quaker websites...)

[aldona]

And can it be possible??? Can there be another denomination that has more bureaucracy, paperwork, committees, meetings and red tape than Adventists???

(quote)

How many Quakers does it take to change a lightbulb?

That depends. If the lightbulb is in the meetinghouse, then it takes the whole meeting, and 3-9 months.

First, property committee has to notify clerk that a lightbulb is burned out. It will then be put on the agenda for the next monthly meeting for business. When it comes up on the agenda, clerk will ask how Friends respond to the notice from property committee. Then, clerk of property committee will be asked for that committee's recommendation regarding the burned out bulb, and we will learn that property committee was merely notifying meeting of the state of the bulb, and it did not reach the point of trying to make a recommendation. The matter will then be referred back to property committee to come up with a recommendation regarding the bulb, and the matter will be put on the agenda for the next monthly meeting for business, four weeks later.

At the next monthly meeting, property committee will report that it needs more time to make a recommendation because it has asked for consultation from other committees, and it has not yet received reports from these other committees. The Peace and Social Order committee is reporting back regarding the relationship between the utility company and the armaments industry and the Pentagon, and looking for a manufacturer of lightbulbs that does not have such ties. Unity With Nature Committee is reporting in the effects of the use of electricity on the environment, and whether the old light bulb is biodegradable, and, if not, is there any way to get rid of it that comports with our commitment to the environment. The Committee on Right Sharing of the World's Resources has reported back that any additional use of lightbulbs by meeting flies in the face of our testimony of simplicity, and recommends that the burned out bulb be left in place as a reminder of all who must live without the benefit of electrical power. The matter is then put over to the next meeting for business.

At the next meeting for business, all committees report and there is no unity on a recommendation to change or not to change the lightbulb. Clerk schedules a threshing to take place in the interim before the next meeting for business, at which time it will be on the agenda again.

At the next meeting for business, Clerk discerns a sense of the meeting among Friends and attenders that meeting should do the following:

1. Remove the burned out bulb from the socket, but not disposed of. It shall be kept on the mantle above the fireplace.

2. A new bulb, provided one need not be purchased, shall be placed into the socket, but not screwed in all the way so as not to use additional current. The decision as to when to screw the bulb in all the way is referred back to property committee which will makes its recommendation, after input from all the other committees previously involved, at a future meeting for business.

3. If a new lightbulb needs to be purchased, the matter will be referred to the finance committee to review and make a recommendation.

After a period of silence, an old, well respected Quaker scholar and weighty Friend rises to quote from George Fox, stating that, "It is not in thy power to change it. Thy task is to bring it to Christ and leave it there." In view of this, weighty Friend must stand in the way. After another, even longer period of silence, another Friend rises to make the point that our willingness to proceed requires respect for Fox's writings, but must be tempered by the light received by meeting today. More silence. Clerk discerns that there is no sense of the meeting to proceed at this time, and offers to lay the matter over for the next meeting for business. Weighty Friend suggests that since so many of us did not grow up as Quakers, we might schedule an adult education series on the writings of George Fox on the inward Light, thereby preparing meeting for its future possible consideration of when the new light bulb should be screwed into the socket. There is clearly strong unity on the Fox series, and Clerk receives volunteers to arrange and schedule it. Weighty Friend then agrees to stand aside. Meeting Clerk then reads back the three points on which there had been unity, and asks for a period of silence. The matter is minuted. Then another Friend suggests that the matter be put over until the next monthly meeting since it is our custom to put over all action items for a month for seasoning. Friends agree, and the matter is put over to be reconsidered after seasoning.

Before the next monthly meeting, old weighty Friend becomes ill and at the time of monthly meeting for business, is still in the hospital. Meeting agrees not to act on the lightbulb matter until weighty Friend recovers, since the matter was so close to his heart. The matter is put over to next meeting for business, at which time, though weighty Friend is still in the hospital, he has sent a message that he is still willing to stand aside so long as the Fox education series goes on. Clerk re-reads the three points on which meeting reached unity, and there is a loud "Agreed".

Amhara Powell In "... the Light That Shineth in Darkness..." Orange Grove Monthly Meeting Pasadena, California

(end quote)

[aldona]

And here's one that's very topical at the moment...with all the talk about copyright infringements, names, etc...

(quote)

QUAKER OATS THREATENS TO SUE QUAKER OAKS CHRISTMAS TREE FARM

Dear Mr. William Lovett,

I am the attorney at the Quaker Oats Company responsible for trademark matters. As you probably know, our company manufactures numerous food products, the most famous of which is oatmeal. In addition to having used the Quaker Oats name as our company name for close to 100 years, we have registered the Quaker name as a trademark.

It was therefore quite a surprise to discover that you are operating a business under the name "Quaker Oats Christmas Tree Farm." Your use of our trademark is likely to mislead consumers into believing that your business is associated with the Quaker Oats Company. It is also likely to weaken our very strong trademark. In light of the foregoing, we hereby demand that you immediately stop all use of the "Quaker Oats" name…. While we would like to settle this matter amicably, we will take all steps which are necessary and appropriate to protect our name.—Sincerely, Janet L. Silverberg, counsel.

Dear Janet Silverberg,

My breakfast this morning—rolled oats by the way—was interrupted by the arrival of your letter via FedEx, which was delivered to us despite the fact that you have misspelled our company name which is Quaker OAKS Christmas Tree Farm. Our farm was so named because religious services were held outdoors on this farm under a great oak tree until about ten years ago when we were able to move into our new Meetinghouse on another corner of our farm.

Our business is 100% owned and operated by Quakers. I suspect that your firm employs considerably fewer, if any, Quakers. We trace our Quaker ancestors back 320 years and they were mostly farmers, but I don’t know how many of them grew oats for your company. My guess is that you may be selling far more Lutheran oats, Methodist oats, or maybe atheist oats. Could your company be guilty of product source misrepresentation?

We don’t know why you choose to associate your commercial products with our faith, but we supposed you feel there is some marketing value from it. If you were selling machine guns, roulette wheels or some other product offensive to our Quaker faith, we would be upset by the association, but since we find your products wholesome and enjoyable, we consider your use of our name a compliment. We invite you to visit our farm to verify that we are indeed Quaker Oaks Christmas Tree Farm. If you come in December, we’d be happy to sell you a tree! —Sincerely, William Lovett, Visalia, California.

(end quote)

[Nan]

You have to admire a group who can laugh at themselves <img src="/adventist/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[Planey]

Where are the Adventist jokes?

Graeme

[aldona]

coming soon...maybe that will be my next posting project when I collect a few more.

aldona

[Planey]

Actually I was responding to Nan's post.

I didn't think there would be any...

But if you can find some, that would be great.

Graeme